Karadur Inacu  (karadur) wrote,
Karadur Inacu 

An End to Issues?

According to the performance tab of the task manager, Windows has been running for eight days now, with no difficulties to report. It's almost enough to make me think that difficulties from the past couple weeks are actually done with, and in that regard alone, they are, but it would still be prudent to reinstall the new(er) video card driver that I found, which may lead to something undesirable. Still, it's nice, but to be quite honest, aside from that report I had to write for my night course, I haven't been doing much lately that stability would be a key factor in. Had I lost all of those open tabs that I was using to do research, yes, I would've been greatly annoyed, but that wasn't a problem, and now I only have my desktop and other assorted files to deal with. I cleaned up (organized) my closet again before I left for work tonight, and everything else is still firmly in mind for tomorrow: go to St. Clair, stop at work on the way home to do usual things there, probably stop at Tim Hortons on the way home from that, for a drink and only a drink, and then it's vacuuming, and laundry, and files-organizing, and, if I have the time, trying to compile a grocery list for Thursday, because I still want to go out to Food Basics the same night that I get to Toronto. Not much of a way to spend a day off, but I think I've become accustomed to it. So long as we're not surprised with random take-home assignment tomorrow evening, all of that should go fine. I am especially interested to go to work and talk to Manoah though, because of something that came up between he and I tonight.

I can't remember if it came about by way of specific conversation, or he randomly just blurted it out, but he thinks I should get my hair dyed. Light brown, metallic gold (not a chance), silver, and white were the options he proffered, which I was definitely interested in, even though it's not something I've written, let alone thought seriously about in a couple years. That originally came up last week when Amy came in to get food, and noticed that his hair was a different color than it had been when she last saw him, and asked when I was going to get mine dyed. I stared at her blankly, not knowing what to say, and that was about it, but then a week later, and it's been brought up again. It is vitally important to note though that he didn't seem to be talking completely seriously. He wasn't being fully sarcastic, but I got the feeling he wasn't being entirely sincere / serious, in other words. Still, I went along with it, not being absolutely (I'm running out of synonyms...) committed to the conversation either, trying to show vague interest, but hold back at the same time, because of the aforementioned not being sure if he was serious. Anyway, he said he could do the simple dyeing at his house, and suggested putting a cap on my head with little holes in it to let bits of hair stick through, which would be dyed white, "like leopard spots". That detail now seems kind of superficial and unnecessary, but continuing on from that point during the conversation, the topic drifted off to something else that I can't remember now, and I went into this weird state of being completely withdrawn for a good hour. I washed the rest of my dishes, and was annoyed at customers interrupting me during that, as normal, but in regards to Manoah, I actively tried - from them until the end of the night - to be as nice and helpful as possible to him, in a display that I still don't fully understand. I get that I was trying to be nice in hopes that if he was serious, it would ingratiate me toward him, and he would be willing to dye my hair, but while that thought was running through my head, what with how nonsensical it was considering I didn't know if he was just joking around or not, another thought was going in the back of my mind telling me that I shouldn't get excited or get my hopes up, because if I asked if he was serious and he said no, I would be really disappointed, and probably angry at him. Fortunately, after a time, things went back to normal, right up until the end of the night, when I still wanted to ask if he was serious or not (because I knew that if I didn't, it would bother me all night, and I'd feel more awkward bringing it up tomorrow). I took his phone and hid it in my pocket while he was at the back looking for something in the office, and when he came up front and noticed it was missing, he demanded it back, so I said that it was in my pocket, and he'd get it back once we went outside. Normally, I'd have stuck to that, but when he repeated his request a second time, the possibility of that being what could make him say no flashed through my mind, and I gave it back. Finally, outside, while he was waiting for his mom at the end of the night, my mind was racing, trying to figure out some indirect way of asking him if he was serious before his mom came, and I finally did, asking specifically if he was serious. His answer? Yes, he could do the basic white hair dye at home, but would have to refer me to one of the people he goes to to get his hair done for the black tip suggestion that he came up with. Just before he left, I asked him to be sure to "find an answer to that question" (being "How much would going to that other person cost?"), and he said he would, which means the following for me: he's serious. Still not completely trustworthy, because he's gone back on other things that I was depending on him for in the past, but he is sincere, and the topic is (or was) at least enough on his mind for him to remember that the question was without having to be reminded, so who knows? Maybe I'll have white hair by the end of the month, which would be neat, or maybe he's forgotten already, and having to remind and ask him over and over won't be worth it. I really don't care about the possibility of it only being temporary anymore, and I could probably come up with something a little more fitting than black tips, but I really like that idea, and, for the time, hope I'm able to see it through. Mom and Dad might object, which is actually a concern, but it being only a temporary thing could help in that case. There are of course other considerations to make as well, one being that my hair might still be too dark, but that's something I could easily ask him about.

Further in regards to work, but not related to the above, I've been noticing another trend in how I feel and act there over my past several shifts. As concisely as possible, my mood changes rapidly, and several times a night. When I started tonight, I was calm and happy, but then Manoah took the rag I keep in the drive through sink with which to wipe the pop machine, and trying to explain to him that no, I'd appreciate it if he didn't take my rag when he had a couple of his own made me angry, and upset. Eventually that passed though, leading to he and I joking around and having fun again, but then just as soon, trying to wash dishes but having orders to take made me feel annoyed, except instead of going back to feeling happy again after that, I went into what I described above, what with initially feeling excited and the propositions Manoah was offering, leading to feeling completely cut-off from everything, and not in a way I've ever felt before. Then came the end of the night, where it appeared that my till was $15 short (verified by both Manoah and I), but it turns out he took too much money when he gave me change, so the rest was in the safe, and has been taken care of. Oh, and not to be forgotten is stopping at 7-11 on the way home, and spending an extra half-hour in the kitchen trying to make a new kind of supper (prepackaged stuff bought from Real Canadian Superstore), which was good, but time-consuming. I'd rather make four (they're cylindrical pieces of chicken wrapped in bacon) next time, and have them as a meal, instead of just two, which is more of a small snack. Maybe I'll do that tomorrow, after my cleaning up is finished. All in all though, I find that the reasons for those mood swings aren't related to work. Instead, it's like the box in which I was previously able to keep all of these things is starting to overflow. I can say with certainty that more things make me insecure these days than ever before (but only enough to cause anxiety - not of the "I feel like I'm about to lose it" sort), but is that just a coincidence, or is it a sign of things to come? It's really bleeding ironic to think that I'm even going to say this, but being more assertive and sure of myself would help tremendously.

All in all, I suppose it's been an interesting night. I can only hope tomorrow goes the same, because to be quite certain, it cannot be denied that going to bed in a good mood tomorrow will give me a good start to Tuesday, but all the same, going to bed in a good mood tonight will make tomorrow morning better, primarily for not sleeping in, because I'm back to that again. I can wake up fine, but then the thought that I have nothing to wake up for right away comes along, and I lay back down, intending to stay awake, but always fall asleep. Not sure what ever happened to the idea of setting an alarm on the laptop I'm using to download stuff right now, but I can do that before I go to bed. Otherwise... that's all that I can think of. If anything else comes to mind, I'll write about it tomorrow afternoon~

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