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Everybody Will Have a Turn

Shortly after we met tonight, Manoah informed me that he had recently spoken to Mary, who, among other things (which don't concern me) wants to know the same thing as Tom: if I'll make her a cheesecake pie for her birthday, since I did for Manoah. Apparently she thinks I will, on the grounds that we get along better now than we did before, but the thought still didn't occur to me. In fact, the only person I've considered making one for other than Manoah is Melissa, as a going away gift, but I cannot emphasize enough how much that is only an idea. If I choose (within the next few days) to make her something for that purpose, a cheesecake pie would be appropriate. I can't make her a cake, for one because it's pretty large, and for two because I wouldn't know when the pan would be returned, and wouldn't want to make her cookies, as I brought some of those in just last week, leaving cheesecake pie. I haven't even decided if I'll be going grocery shopping tomorrow night or not though, so it's all too uncertain. As for Mary, I want to say no for the same reason Tom's presumption annoys me. While it's not proper to take this so far based only on what Manoah said, I don't want to make things for people because they expect to get them. Besides, the most I can see doing for anybody other than Manoah (or other people who I considered my friends, if any of them still worked there) is making the requested item(s), and bringing them in for that person and everybody else on the same shift to share, on the closest day to their birthday which they worked. That way they get something special, but it's not just for them, and I don't have to feel like I'm being used.

At any rate, the first five words in the paragraph above reveal something else of distinct interest. Manoah and I did get together tonight, and one of the two bleaching kits I bought was used, so my hair is now blonde, but looks more or less really really really light brown. Manoah decided to be preemptive and used some of the toner as well, which didn't work on one count because my hair wasn't light enough, and on the second because it's supposed to be used on freshly washed or conditioned (I can't remember) hair, when I currently can't wash or condition mine until after work on Friday, because to wait any less than two days would lead to a burning sensation upon application of shampoo or conditioner. I really do want to try it, to see what said sensation feels like, but there's no indication of whether or not that would be damaging to my hair, and I don't want to take any chances. Regarding the initial step though, it worked. My hair definitely looks different than it did before, and is sure to get several comments the next time I go in to work, but far more than that, I'm worried about how Adam, Naomi, Mom, and Dad will react. I did tell Mom before I left that I was going to meet up with Manoah, because something different was being done with my hair to have for the next time I go to Toronto, but I think she was thinking of something other than changing the color, as she asked if that meant I wouldn't be having my hair cut by Susan anymore. I do feel distinct anxiety about this, not so much about whether or not they'll approve, but whether or not they'll react to me the same as they did before. For the longest time, there was that issue where Mom didn't want me to wear my arm warmers when we went grocery shopping, and because I am (for the moment) supposed to be going grocery shopping with her tomorrow, the same might happen then. It's definitely part insecurity, and after everybody has seen it tomorrow, I will be slightly better off, but for now, all I feel is anxious and worried and uncertain of what is to come. As for the second step (which, if successful, will be bleaching it to a light enough shade that the toner can be used to turn it white), we have preliminary plans for next Thursday, dependent mostly on whether or not he has to work. Even if nothing gets in the way of that though, it will still take up to a week after that before the toner can be applied, which reminds me that because he used some of it tonight (unsuccessfully), there's enough left now for about two applications, which I think would get me to the end of April, so my hair would start to become brassy again right around the time I go to Toronto. I should buy another bottle, but that will probably happen tomorrow afternoon, assuming revealing the change to everybody here goes successfully.

Other than that, I felt incredibly stressed out over my report earlier, and still kind of feel that way. I made the unfortunate decision to go to bed at ~1:30, because I woke up just then from having fallen asleep sitting up with my laptop in my lap, presumably as a result of eating too much, and might still be asleep right now, had I not woken up around 3, and not been able to get back to sleep for all the thoughts crowding up my mind about how I should be working on that, and Thursday was the last real opportunity I had to work on it, etc.. Thus far, I've switched cases, as the one I mentioned finding in my previous entry dealt too much with harassment, and not enough with discrimination, and have written about the basics of the case. The next step is to explain how discrimination / prejudice starts, and then to state whether or not I feel justice was applied, so by the end of tomorrow, I want (or rather I would like) to have written about everything up to the point where I need to read chapter 10 of the textbook in order to be able to discuss which therap(y/ies) I feel would be best to help a victim of discimination and / or prejudice. I'm not sure I'll be able to relate my answer to the case I've chosen to research, because the victims apparently were more or less understanding throughout the process, but it could be said, for example, that somebody who avoids a certain place or a group of people bearing similarities to the person who caused the initial issue, as a result of an incident of prejudice or discrimination that happened there / with them before could be advised to look at the situation critically as a first step. It will probably become more clear once I read the chapter, but for now, I have a goal to achieve. First I need sleep though, which should be a bit easier to come by now that I've written about these things, and now that enough time has passed that the effects from the can of pop I had earlier should've worn off. Good thing that was the last can in that case...