Remember how during our first or second conversation about this whole unsightly topic I told you that I didn't like having to explain what I mean when I say I identify with snow leopards, etc., because I could never come up with enough to say, or the other person would ask a question which I couldn't articulate an answer to, and I would start second-guessing myself as a result, thus leading to feeling all sorts of bad? The exact same thing is happening here. I feel that I have to explain myself to you, because otherwise you won't understand, but your responses make me start feeling insecure, and set me off wondering if perhaps I am wrong to feel the way I do, even though I know it's justified otherwise. I still do appreciate you wanting to understand, and giving me as many chances as I wanted to explain myself, but until I figure out a safer way of approaching such matters, I'll have to avoid them in the future. We come back to insecurity again, but at least this proves the source of that is more than just me not being sure of how I feel about / see myself in relation to those animals.
It's a good point, is it not? I was even going to ask if he understood that, but decided not to, because it would be yet another thing to obsess over, and feel insecure about. Also just like how I wrote that angry entry the night before the furmeet back in February, which Dan saw before we went to the zoo, and made some comments on. I felt that I needed to explain myself then too, even moreso in that case because I felt bad for attacking him only because I felt like my efforts weren't appreciated, and just couldn't let it go, even weeks after the fact, when he said he did understand, after I tried to explain where I was coming from. I think in that case, I told myself that I had to let it go there, because things were about as patched up as they were going to get, but then something else comes up, and I go right back to the beginning. Maybe I also tried to describe this in the first email I sent to Xion, when I explained why I try not to get angry. I don't feel that it's just a matter of me being either "on" (upset) or "off" (complacent), but how else can I describe it? I don't like it when something happens to make me upset, because I get full-on upset, and start obsessing over whether or not I'm right to feel the way I do, among other things, so I try to avoid the things that make me upset, but by avoiding them, I'm not dealing with them, and if I try to deal with them, I end up obsessing again, which leads right back into being upset a majority of the time. So then I say that I'd rather keep to myself, and keep at a distance from things, so less can make me upset, but that branches off into two paths: either I go back to being completely on my own, in time making it even easier for something unsubstantiated to get to me, which is much harder to deal with then, for not having anybody to talk to about it, but if I choose to take the other path, which is to be friends with the few people I have as friends, I'll want to talk about what's bothering me with them, leading to me eventually obsessing over whether or not they understand. Think that's confusing to read about? Try to imagine what it must be like to actually experience it.
I do want to note here, however, that as I commented on in a previous entry somewhere, there are certain things that I feel are "right" when I'm not upset. In particular, I do like to have a small group of friends (Dan, Xion, Chris, Manoah, and George all together would appear to be too many, but the simple fact is that I usually only talk to one of them at a time), and do prefer to keep to myself, therefore making it more desirable to stay at a distance from the normal flow of things, and also now know that if I'm upset by something, I should only endeavor to tell the person / people (if anybody else was involved) that what they did upset me, and not make it a point to understand why. I think I mentioned this before as well, but this whole issue wouldn't have become so out-of-hand if I'd been aware before of what trying to help him understand would do. I still don't really like that way of looking at it though. If somebody's done something to upset me, and genuinely wants to know why I ended up feeling the way I did, I would want to try to help them understand. So is this a matter of me versus my mind again? Part of me wanting to explain, to answer their question and to know that they actually know and care where I'm coming from, and the other, rational part that knows trying to give those explanations will just lead to trouble? How can I communicate to people that I would like to explain, but don't want to take that risk, because past experiences have shown me that it will lead to more problems? And for that matter, why the hell must I be so insecure? I swear it becomes more of an annoyance every day, but at the same time, the more I get to know how it affects me, the better used to it I'll become, and by that, the better I will be prepared to interact with other people.
At any rate, I want to leave for work a little early today, because I arrived with just enough time yesterday to drink half a glass of water, help Manoah move a box into the shed, and be a minute late to change into my uniform. I also missed the rain entirely, which was kind of neat timing, but yeah. Off to another supper shift. At least this one's five hours instead of three~