Karadur Inacu  (karadur) wrote,
Karadur Inacu 

It's Coming to an End

For lack of anything else really worthwhile to say today, let's go over the log of the conversation Dan and I had last night, because I think things are nearing the point where I can get up and move on. The lingering thoughts are... how to say... in remission (I can still think about them, but any emotional reaction is absent, and they get automatically pushed out of my mind rather quickly), and it seems mutual understanding has been achieved as much as I can reasonably expect it to be.

Karadur: You are idle at the moment, but since I am curious to know, did you get / follow the directions in the last email I sent yesterday? I'm not going to ask if you understand it, for the same reasons that were explained there, but would like to know all the same, for the sake of moving on from the past, and focusing on the present / future instead~
(4:47:59pm) Your account is disconnected.
(4:50:32pm) danskunk@hotmail.com is now known as Dan Skunk.
(4:50:34pm) Dan Skunk has signed on.
(12:30:07am) Dan Skunk is no longer idle.
Dan Skunk: I havn't check anything today.
Karadur: Oh, I didn't think you'd be back at all (presumed you had gone out somewhere)...
Karadur: I can tell you in here if you like, since I've come up with a more concise way to say it
Dan Skunk: Sure, if you want. :3
Karadur: Bear in mind, however, that my touchpad has waited until this moment to start acting up again, so I can't type quickly ;_;
Karadur: (it really has...)
Karadur: At any rate, current issues this time didn't arise until I started trying to explain myself, and along the way, began to wonder constantly if you understood what I was telling you in the same way that I intended it. I still appreciate your wanting to understand, but I think me doing so, and the obsessing thereafter is what I need to avoid
Karadur: The thing is, if it's clear that you or whoever else genuinely want to know why I feel the way I do, to avoid affecting me that way in the future, I'm going to want to explain, and can't help feeling that somewhere along the line, I'll start to wonder about whether or not they understand again...
Karadur: If I may say something purely to supply context...
Karadur: Well, maybe not... What I had in mind doesn't quite work as I thought it would...
Karadur: I would ask if you follow, but to do that now would be ironic, in a bad way <3
Karadur: Oh, and on an unrelated note, one of those books (the one about animal species of Asia and Australia) was delivered today. Are snow leopards mentioned in it? Yes, but that is all of one tiny paragraph, consisting of a couple things I was already aware of. It's a neat book outside of that though, so at least it was cheap~
Dan Skunk: I think I follow. Sometimes you thik something through and it doesn't work as well as you thought it would.
Dan Skunk: Hopefully the other book is more enlightening.
Karadur: Toward the book, yes, but toward the other thing, no, not quite
Karadur: I meant that if I try to explain how I feel (in a serious way) to somebody else, I can't let it go. It's like I have to see to it that the other person sees things exactly as they are to me, or the whole venture is lost. That is next to impossible to achieve though, so for me, it leads to a whole bunch of stress and other unpleasantness
Karadur: I can give a fairly mundane example of that...
Karadur: I will wait until you are finished though~
Dan Skunk: It's not impossible, but it's hard if you can't find any common exprerience that the other person relates to.
Karadur: I think I can agree with that...
Karadur: As to my example, you said "I don't think the plush is any contradiction; it's something that doesn't have a story behind it other than what you give it." in response to me telling you that you may see me buying that plush snow leopard as being against my statement that I only wanted to see snow leopards at the zoo, and nowhere else
Karadur: When I told you that, I was focusing purely on the facts. I say that I only want to see snow leopards at the zoo, then go buy a big plush one from a store when I see it. That is a contradiction. It's not a matter of it not having a story other than what I give it or anything. It's that I'm going directly against what I said before
Karadur: I'm not sure how much light this will shed on things, but I know I've been kind of emotional about some of this. Far more than that, however, I've been trying to rely on the facts and quantifiable issues involved in this whole big thing, because those are where the best chance of changing this to a positive effect stands. If I just get emotional all the time, I'm not going to get anywhere
Karadur: I was right pissed off with you for the better part of a day over you saying "You have very strong feelings over it. It’s not always what’s intended by the video, but that’s what it means to you." because it felt like you had missed the whole point to what I was saying, and were patronizing me by repeating things that I already knew, but I think I'm past that now
Karadur: For the record, I am not upset in any way right now. Just kind of... blah, because it's been a boring day, and I remembered another part of Kung Fu Panda last night which I had forgotten all about, which sent me right back into feeling depressed again. The one thing I did realize to debunk that character in that movie though? Snow leopards don't meow. I know it's not much to go on, but I'm taking whatever I can get
Dan Skunk: Well, maybe saying you only wanted to see them at the zoo, just wasn't completely accurate. I didn't see it at a contradiction so much as just that there was more to the situation than just seeing them them in the zoo. Relying on facts is fine, but the emotions are also a part of the situation that's trying to be explained. In fact, they're what I wanted to understand.
Karadur: It wasn't completely accurate, no, but saying "I'm fine with seeing merchandise of them" isn't correct either, because I don't always want to see it. On an incidental basis (whenever I find myself in such a situation), okay, that's fine, but otherwise, it's not something I want to see either
Dan Skunk: I didn't mean to be patronizing, but maybe I didn't express myself right. Was just that they didn't mean for people to have such strong feelings, so maybe you shouldn't need to--but it still doesn't change how you feel, or make you wrong to do so.
Karadur: I want to comment to that first
Karadur: In a measured manner, mind you
Dan Skunk: Ok. I'll wait.
Karadur: Part of my problem surrounding the movie is that I know it's not meant to be taken the way I did. I've figuratively been to hell and back over wondering if I was wrong to feel the way I do about it, since everywhere else I look, it's highly rated, and generally seen as an excellent movie. Thus, when you say "it's not what's intended by the movie, but that's how you took it", it's like you're completely ignoring what I've been through of that already (I'm pretty sure I explained this to you already, but if I didn't, I apologize), which causes much anger and frustration
Karadur: When I mentioned this in my LiveJournal, I think I said "I refuse to be diminished" or something like that *shrug*
Karadur: The general feeling when my feelings don't match with the majority is "I'm wrong. They're right"
Dan Skunk: I thought I was just acknowledging that you feel different and that it was ok. I didn't meant to ignore anything, but maybe I should have explained things more.
Karadur: *nod* you said that when we talked in here that day too, but I didn't take it the right way either
Dan Skunk: Well, I don't think how you feel is wrong.
Karadur: How do I say this...
Karadur: (I appreciate you saying that too, by the way. thank you)
Karadur: I don't think the way I feel is wrong either. I know I'm not wrong to have feelings that differ from the norm, but this is one of the many things I begin to doubt myself over when I'm upset / depressed over something. As you said before, the solution to that would be to find somebody who shares my views, but right at the moment, I don't want to go there. Eventually, yes (mind you, I couldn't say when), but I'm not prepared for it right now
Karadur: Also, just for general interest, this is one of the reasons I was so into figuring out why I am the way I am before. I still suspect either schizoid personality disorder or Asperger's Syndrome as the two main possibilities, but if I knew one or the other were correct (assuming one of them is), then I could say "This is why I feel the way I do about [topic]" without the insecurity
Dan Skunk: I don't know why I feel the way I do either, certainly when I see skunks on tv, and such, I feel a lot different about them than others would, different than I'm sure, the film was intended to make me feel. I don't know why I feel the way I do. I just know that I do and I accept it. It doesn't need to be explained or proved to be true.
Dan Skunk: I usually say it feels like I was a skunk in a past life cause that seems to explain the feeling.
Karadur: How you feel about yourself in general?
Dan Skunk: What do you mean by in general?
Karadur: I mean overall. When you say you feel like you were a skunk in a past life, do you feel that it explains your feelings overall, or when you see them on TV and such else?
Karadur: I'm asking out of curiosity, for what it's worth
Dan Skunk: I think that explanation works. I don't know if that's true or not. Maybe I just identify with them in some other way, maybe I like they way they behave and think I behave the same way. Think that we're similar in some way.
Karadur: *nod* that's more or less how I feel about myself, but minus feeling it's because of a past life (no disrespect to you)
Dan Skunk: Maybe because I had trouble identifying with other humans and didn't really fit in well, I looked for something else that I felt I fit in better with.
Karadur: I can see that... I know I feel distinctly different when you tell me that socialization is an innate need, when I prefer to keep to myself. I still like to socialize, but on a much smaller scale...
Dan Skunk: I used to socialize a lot less, myself. Was always very happy being alone.
Karadur: I was perfectly content being on my own up until that business with stories blew up in my face :x
Karadur: Honestly, I don't think total isolation is good in any case, but it is quite nice to have a break from everything now and then <3
Karadur: At any rate, back to the stuff about understanding things...
Karadur: Do you have any further questions or comments about what started this issue?
Karadur: I don't mind if you do. Just that I don't right now
Dan Skunk: I find there are things that are more interesting and productive to do together, but I still socialise differently. I like being honest and working together on things and helping others--and not trying to be better and more popular than others.
Karadur: Would it be contrived if I said "me too"? Slightly less toward working together on things with people, but being honest, definitely. Helping others? Yes? Not trying to be better and more popular than other people? Very yes
Karadur: *Helping others? Yes
Karadur: (the yes was not supposed to be a question ;_;)
Dan Skunk: I don't think it's contrived. Maybe you're just similar in that way.
Karadur: *shrug* I just think it might sound like I'm agreeing a bit too much
Karadur: (on a completely random note, while it may seem like making a bowl of pudding for supper is a good idea, it is not. the aftertaste is quite funny...)
Karadur: ((I did eat an entire bowl of pudding though. and intend to make French Toast for proper supper once the bread has thawed <3))
Dan Skunk: Oh... Oops.
Dan Skunk: I should get to sleep. Need to visit someone tomorrow.
Karadur: Alright. Thanks for talking again, I will talk to you later, have a good sleep, and have fun tomorrow :3
Karadur: (I think that's everything ;B)
Karadur: *:B
Dan Skunk: Seems to be so far... Goodnight. You ahve fun too, tomorrow.
Karadur: Oh, indeed. Going to Heart and Stroke, then work. Fun indeed <3

The only thing I feel bad about now is what I said right near the end: "Alright. Thanks for talking again, I will talk to you later, have a good sleep, and have fun tomorrow :3". I was trying to be clever, but looking back now, along with his response, it feels like I was being patronizing. I should've just said "Alright. Have a good sleep :3", and maybe "Thanks for talking with me about this again", but left it at that. That aside though, yes, I did have a bowl of pudding for supper last night. Chocolate pudding, with ice cream topping mix stirred in. Better than my original plans to go to Tim Hortons and 7-11 and buy whatever I wanted though, and by the time I started to feel hungry again, it was too late to make French Toast, so that will probably be supper tonight. The only condition under which I'll make an exception is if it's raining on the way home, and if it is, I'm also going to take the day off from Heart and Stroke tomorrow, to complete the whole stress-free day thing. I really need one of those, just to relax and have some time to myself and get back to where I was going before with thoughts about Toronto in August (I've started to think that maybe I will take part in the furmeet), but that, at earliest, will come tomorrow. Tonight is work, and all the fun things related to that~

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