Karadur Inacu  (karadur) wrote,
Karadur Inacu 

I Refuse to Be Surprised

In all fairness, it is sort of to be expected that I haven't received a reply to the obvious email yet. My guess as to the cause of the delay was correct (a furry convention), and I still remember not feeling too tired to do anything other than having supper and going bed early the night I / we got home from MFF. I did receive one reply yesterday though, to say that I'm not being ignored, and there simply hasn't been enough time for all of my messages to be read (which is... stupid, if I may), but said reply went on to supply information that would be decidedly unnecessary in among my other emails. I am annoyed, but more than that, I'm depressed, and thus tired, both of which were driving forces behind the short nap I had earlier, and me feeling largely sullen for most of the rest of the day. I received one more of the packages I was expecting, then fittingly bought something else from eBay (a 16GB Sony USB stick, because I couldn't find what I wanted at Staples, and my current reinstallation stick has only about 9MB of free space remaining), and only coincidentally ate nine pieces of pizza for supper as well. It is because of that that I was considering calling it a night just a few minutes ago - go to sleep now, then probably wake up around 2 or 3, do something for a couple hours then, and go back to sleep when I get tired again, but I should still be able to have a decent night, so long as I focus on other things.

Overall though, I feel the worst (or best) part about it is that I'm starting to warm up to the idea of calling everything off for August, but still asking Mary for three or four days in an row off, so I can enjoy myself here. It might be more boring, but would be much less stressful, and I figure that if something pushes me to do that, I will have good cause to tell the people involved to leave me alone until I manage to find my place again. Between trying to articulate and explain my feelings on certain matters and subjects to making an apparently successful go at saying "I don't want to be taken advantage of like that again", I feel like I've become way too serious for my own good, not to mention the similarities I notice between how I've been acting recently, and how I acted back when my problems related to stories started. Back then, I kept cycling between feeling as if I was on top of things, and could leave the person who I previously kept sending messages to alone, and feeling like I was hopelessly in over my head, and needed somebody to talk to about how I felt, when there was only one such person at the time. Now, I find myself constantly switching between which stretch of time I favor. Sometimes the first week of August seems ideal, but then there are others within half a day of those where I discard that reasoning, and find a way to feel that the second week would be better. Not being able to make a decision is immensely frustrating, compounded by the main person I need to talk to about this having been away for almost a week. And why do I bother with this, when I would've let everything go with other friendships in the past? Because I don't want to see that state of mind win again. I definitely do feel that if, when we start talking again, something happens to make it worse, I'll tell those people to leave me alone until I feel better again, but where August specifically is concerned, I find myself ever closer to the decision that because of the inevitable association between that month this year and the anxiety that I still feel as I write this, nothing should be done. After all, everything else being equal, which is better? To bow out, or force something just for the sake of wanting to go there again?

At any rate, the previous decision is back again: have another nap / call it a night now, or try to wake up and find something to keep myself busy with. The first step in either case should probably be to log into Gmail again, even though it's not likely there will be any new messages, and then close my laptop and lay in the dark, to see if the lack of additional stimulus doesn't change something. For the record, there are a couple things I could do tonight, but part of me knows I could just as easily do them tomorrow, what with having two days off for some reason. We'll see though. Gmail to start, and onward from there~

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