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It's Not the Same

This was supposed to be my stay up all night night, but here I am, at only ~5:30 in the morning, pretty much ready to lay down in bed. The only thing stopping me at present is knowing that if I do without writing this, I'll end up ruminating about things until I fall asleep, meaning I won't have written them out somewhere, so they'll still be fully with me tomorrow. Before I get into specifics though, should you be reading this, Dan, I would appreciate your understanding insofar as to at least not see me as being unjustifiably miserable again.

The main part of tonight's issues stem from Xion. He and Chris have been out on the balcony since just after 9:00. I've been out in the living room / kitchen as well (as has Dan, but I can't speak for him), but out of that nearly eight hours, the most conversation I had with him was to confirm that the pieces of chicken in the freezer were Dan's, and to tell him that he was correct when he guessed that we were watching Mary Poppins. I am fully aware that Chris is here, so it's to be expected that he and Xion would remain close together, but it wasn't like this before, even when both of them were here. Hell, like I started out with above, this is supposed to be the night I try to stay up until ~11am. Last time, the three of us hung out in his room for the entire night, and at least from my point of view enjoyed each others' company. This time though, at the risk of sounding dramatic, it feels like I've been ushered from that group, almost certainly on the back of the email I sent him regarding concerns from last time. I may have mentioned this before, but one of the first couple days I was here, he was still in his room, and hadn't come out yet, so I sent him a message in MSN asking what he wanted me to copy over from my external hard drive. He resisted at first (said he streamed everything he wants to watch nowadays), but eventually asked for all of the movies I had, along with a couple TV series, and conversation drifted off from there. He told me not to take offense at him keeping to himself, because he didn't feel like doing much while Chris was away, and from there, it somehow came up that it was "no secret" that he wants to get the two of them an apartment of their own. I hadn't heard anything about that, and I told him as much - that was the first I heard of it - and he bluntly replied with (paraphrased) "You asked to be kept out of personal things :P". I was pretty sure I hadn't, but still told him that if I had, I hadn't meant it that way, and he just said that it was "okay", and it's been like that since then. To put it quite bluntly myself, I'm upset / pissed off about that. Unless my memory is getting to be really terrible, I absolutely did not tell him that I wanted to be kept ouf personal things. I did, however say that while I was still open to discussing personal things, should there ever be something that he wanted an objective point of view on, I would be there, but that there were certain topics that I might not be able to respond to, so either he has taken it the wrong way, or the only things he would want to talk about anymore concern matters which I would have difficulty responding to. This is patently absurd though. He's still out on the balcony, so why can't I suck it up and just go say "I need to talk to you", and clear this up without all the second-guessing? Because if I do that and he doesn't respond in a way that I'm prepared for, it will put me in a worse mood. I mean... we hung out for a bit back on Sunday or Monday night, while watching part of a Tin Tin movie, and things seemed just the same as before then, but now we're back to the same as before, except Chris is still here, and they're keeping to themselves together. Maybe I shouldn't take it so personally - ask Dan in private tomorrow if he's been like this overall, and if so, know that it's probably not my fault - but I would just like things to be the same as they used to be again.

Moving onto the second item, that reason I haven't written an entry in two days: camping. We were there for fifteen hours at most, but I would quite happily have nothing to do with that until next year, if even then. Getting to the campsite was fun - different transit routes and surroundings - as was the night up until we went to sleep, but then it became... difficult. First of all, I was unprepared. I assumed Dan would have an extra sleeping bag, but he said he would have to go to Oshawa to get it, so I was left with the two thin blankets I brought from home. I also forgot to bring a pillow, leading to putting a shirt over my tail. Then there was the sun in the morning. I woke up at what I assume as 8~9am, and could not get back to sleep for anything after that, due to the sun. I played games on my PSP for a bit, then bunched up my spare blanket and held it over my face to block the light out, which almost got me back to sleep, until Dan poked me, and said that we were a bit overdue for waking up early to hike to the zoo. Then he asked if I wanted to stay another night, which I declined, and he began packing the tent up. Then he asked again, and I said "No" a second time, and after a short delay, followed by checking out at the front gate, we were off. Off for a good ~2 hours (at least) of hiking through the Rouge Valley, which was actually pretty enjoyable looking back at it, but was kind of grating at the time. We even lost our way at one point, effectively out in the middle of nowhere - the map on Dan's phone showed us walking up north of the zoo, when we wanted to come in south of it - and Dan's sandal broke, so he set to walking barefoot, but we made it to the zoo eventually, and had a relatively enjoyable afternoon there. Then we came home, and I very nearly broke down. Had a shower, and sat down on the bed to check things on my laptop, after which I thought about going out to the living room to watch TV, but had what I think was a mild anxiety attack at the very thought, because idly laying out the couch watching TV for two afternoons in a row was exactly what brought us to go camping. Fortunately, it was decided that we would go out to Wendy's for supper, and I think we did sit down to watch TV for a bit after that, but I still can't get over it. I don't want to say that I never want to go camping again, because the thought of that makes me feel worse than thinking back to that morning does, but I feel that if I ever do (here), it'll be more of a mandatory thing - something I don't entirely want to do, but which I do do for the purpose of being accomodating. At Wendy's, I told Dan that I might like to go back eventually, but would have to work into it, as it felt "really... weird", and as I was saying "weird" he said "different", so he must understand even slightly where I'm coming from, but I can't put into words what it truly feels like. If I weren't compelled to do it by some outside force, I wouldn't, and even if I was, I'd rather propose getting up really early and taking the first subway / bus to the campsite, so we could do the hiking, but not the camping. For now, I've narrowed it down to being highly... resistant to going anywhere or doing anything that requires me to be away from "home" overnight. By that logic though, I should've been equally worked up about the first night I stayed here, but I don't recall feeling so much anxiety then. There's also something Dan said while were enjoying the fire before going to bed that's still on my mind. I was laying on my back, with my right foot up on my left knee, and commented that the heat from the fire felt nice. His response? "I thought you liked the cold?" I didn't respond then, because I was already feeling vulnerable enough from the unfamiliar environment, but that is a blatant misconception. What I like about the cold is walking around while it's snowing, and even when it's not, getting to that point where my hands turn from cold to warm again, and stay that way until I either stop, or reach my destination (or both). I don't actually like the cold though. Rather, I feel like I have an increased tolerance for it, but that doesn't mean I would be up for going camping in the middle of Winter. Maybe hiking though. That might be fun...

At any rate... yeah. There must be some irony in how I was really uncertain about going to another furmeet, yet enjoyed myself this time, but haven't enjoyed other things so much, which we would likely have had much more time for if I didn't come for the meet. I did tell Dan earlier that I'd like to go to another one of those in the future, but have yet to say that I would prefer to be a member of staff again, and on that note... Dan and and I watched MirrorMask earlier. Partway through, Bungee came out, watched a bit, and said he should put it on at the next meet. That reminded me of a show we watched a bit of after we finished setting up on Friday night, and that he said it might be on the network drive, which I asked him about then, because I wanted a copy for myself. It's called "Longhouse Tales", and surprisinly, aside from Youtube, it doesn't appear to be available anywhere online. Fortunately, it was on the network drive, and I copied the folder to my laptop, so now all I have to do is watch all the episodes. Unfortunately, ads on TV led to me downloading the first couple episodes of Murdoch Mysteries, which looks pretty decent from the ad, so there will be those two shows, along with episodes of other things downloaded while I was here, and everything else I had from before to watch when I get back home. On a completely different note, something regarding my Visa from Money Mart came up on the way out to Cloverdale Mall earlier. I asked to stop at Money Mart so I could put $20 on my card to have the monthly fee paid for, and after we left, Dan commented that his credit card doesn't have any fees at all. From there, we fumbled through calculating how much I spend per year just on fees, and came up with a total of $120. $7.50 a month is $90, plus at least $2 each month to put money on my card ($24), and 50 cents per transaction, where I'm guaranteed to have one transaction a month, making for a total of $6, or $120 altogether. He sensibly advised me to look for a card from Canada Trust, and I have found one (the TD Green card), so now all that remains is to see about applying for it. Ultimately, it will save me $120 a year, so it's worth it. It's time for bed right now though. Almost 7:00 may not be the same as 11, but same as I didn't want to camp out for another night, it's not going to go well if I try to stay awake. My nose is starting to run already~