Karadur Inacu  (karadur) wrote,
Karadur Inacu 

It Should Be Here

Considering I applied for it last week, it seems reasonable to expect that I would have the Visa card I applied for now, but as yet, there's no sign of it. I came home to a package for Brandon, and two unrelated pieces of mail, same as I said then, and in the days since, have received a couple packages, but nothing from the bank, which is... disappointing. I can put funds on my Money Mart card to pay for the internet again if I need to, but I would much rather have the new, non-prepaid one. A theory about why just came to mind though. As it is now, the foremost thing I am waiting for is October to come, so I can ask Mary about having more time off. October is pretty far away though. If I had that credit card from the bank, however, it would give me something new to wait for, with a closer deadline - changing my account information with Teksavvy, and waiting to see if that card is charged, so I can go cancel the old one. Not yet though. Unless there's still more mail to be delivered today (I found something in the mailbox for me at ~11:30 yesterday, went back to sleep, and was informed of the arrival of something else by Mom and Dad when I went downstairs again at ~1:30), but it's now an hour past the latter time, so that seems unlikely. To be technical, I have a third thing to look forward to - a certain package that I should receive within the first two weeks of September - but that hasn't been new for a couple months. I'm excited for it, but given the amount of time I've been waiting, it doesn't carry as much weight.

On that note, packages. Once again. At the end of July, I was actually waiting on only the package mentioned above, which I knew wouldn't be on its way until the end of August. Then I went to Toronto, and yet again fell into the trap of wanting to splurge a bit and buy myself things online that I might not normally, culminating in having received four since coming home, and another four still being on their way to me. Then, to look at those purchases as a matter of money spent, I also bought a £15 iTunes card on eBay, when it appeared that the only way I could get my hands on that Guess With Jess album was to buy it from there. In the end, I sent Naomi the code the same night I bought it, and had her tell me that several of her friends wanted to know where I was able to find a UK iTunes card in Toronto. Moving away from that, those are altogether 9 purchases that I arguably could've done without making, and really wish I hadn't now. At the time, the idea was the same as before - to give myself a bunch of things to look forward to finding at home - but with the depression I've fallen into since returning (although it's gotten a bit better now), I just don't care. Packages? Toss them into my closet until I feel like opening them. That's exactly what I intend to do with the rest, too, and from now on, I might have to add another layer of protection to the questions I ask myself before buying something online. Previously, it was only a matter of answering whether or not I would buy the same item from an actual store, given the chance, but from now on, asking myself whether or not I would still want to buy that item if I was at home will apply to anything considered while away. I mean, I don't need three quarters of the stuff I buy, but I buy it anyway, which is really wasteful. The only thing I actually want is that package coming at the end of this month (a PS Vita, since I don't feel like hiding it anymore), and the rest? No. Fortunately, they weren't terribly expensive this time. All 9 still might have added up to nearly $200, but compared to what I've done before, I'm getting better. Even further to that, I was thinking about October last night, and reasoned that if Mary is willing to give me time off in November, I'll ask for six days minimum, and eight days at most. The idea behind that visit would be to go mainly for the furmeet, so assuming it's on a Saturday again, I could go on Thursday (take the early train), buy groceries that afternoon, bake on Friday, have the party on Saturday, do something easy on Sunday (such as going out to the zoo), do something else (perhaps more than one thing) on Monday, and go back home on Tuesday. Neat, tidy, not rushed, and that's only six days. In the case of 7, I would intend to go there on Wednesday instead, and if she was willing to grant me 8, go on Wednesday, and head home on Wednesday. On the other hand, if even six is too much for her, five would be acceptable (that's how long I went for originally, after all), as might be four, but at that point, and any lower than it, paying $140 for a train ticket starts to look a bit wasteful. Hell, I could ask for just two - take the early train there on Saturday, and go home on Sunday, and still bake cookies / buy candy for the furmeet a day or two beforehand, but is that worth $140? If I had no other option, then yes, I'd gladly take that, but otherwise, probably not.

It seems I once again come back to asking myself how I got over this when it comes to going to London. After the very first time I went - when I was picked up by Squnq - I was really depressed at work the following week, because I knew there was another furmeet going on, and knew I had fun at the first one I'd gone to, and thus wanted to go again, but couldn't. After that first week after, however, the anxiety on subsequent weeks was less and less, to the point where I felt nothing at all about not being able to go. Then came being picked up by Cola, after he and Madius took charge of the furmeets, and I think that while I was disappointed about not being able to go to the following week's, any anxiety I may have felt was significantly decreased by knowing I would be able to go again. Comparing those circumstances to the circumstances surrounding Dan's furmeets in Toronto, they are nearly identical, save for one detail: in London, I was just another attendee, but in Toronto, I've more or less been a contributor, and I feel like I can't emphasize that enough. Let's say group events are events with three or more attendees, at least half of whom I do not know, and private events are events with five or fewer attendees, all of whom are friends or oft-seen acquaintances. I would attend a private event regardless, provided it was something I wanted to do, but while that condition would be in place for group events, I would also very likely not go if I wasn't able to at least help out. I do have a theory as to why that might be, but as there isn't enough time to explain it today, I'll just say that it concerns my preference for having a small group of friends, and where was I going with all of this now? I can definitely say that the reason these things are currently on my mind is because of what's happened since I've come home from Toronto. As I told Dan, I'm reevaluating my position in a couple matters, because it is high time that I made some changes, but it feels like certain other changes and decisions I made in the past are now coming back to impose severe limitation on those reevaluations. Make sense? At least it feels like there's some structure to this. I also told Dan that if he's willing, I'd like to talk about those things when he gets back, but from what I remember him saying, that might not be until mid-September, which is also the reason I don't want to get started right now.

Anyway, though, I'm going to try to give myself a bit of a break before I leave for work.I want to head out at 7:00 tonight instead of waiting, because it's been a while since I walked there, and also because I'm toying with the idea of telling Mary that I wouldn't want another two weeks off in November. If I do though, there's a chance she'll say "You didn't listen to what I told you before, so you'll get no time off in November regardless of what happens", and I obviously don't want that. Still, I feel better once again for having written about some of what's on my mind right now, but there are still other things to be done. First up? Blanket into the spare room, and quick reorganization of a couple things in my closet. Shouldn't take too long~

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