Karadur Inacu  (karadur) wrote,
Karadur Inacu 

I Miss My Old Self

Even though this feels like something I mentioned before (quite possibly a long time ago), something happened last night that has renewed my feelings of missing who / how I used to be. Earlier in the night, I went looking through my dresser in the spare room to find something that could be used for a mousepad, because I wanted to try Black Mesa and Darksiders 2. In one of the drawers, I found a couple old notebooks (the paper kind) that I'd been looking for while I was cleaning that room last weekend, but couldn't find. I mostly ignored them at the time, because wanting to play games was foremost on my mind, and as the night drew on, started to find both games irritating and boring for some reason. That ultimately led to figuring I might as well call it a night early - around 2am - because I was bored, kind of tired, and didn't want to do anything else. Well, almost nothing else. I did want to put everything back / away first, and one thing to be put away was of course the big envelope that hadn't exactly worked to put my mouse on. I figured I might as well take the opportunity to just glance at the notebooks while I was in the spare room again though, and that led to being awake for a good three hours longer.

One of the books contained a couple stories I wrote many many years ago, which I remember anxiously trying to find digital copies of back in July or at some other point before that, on the night before I was to go to Toronto. I found one on an old CD, and checked all of the other CDs I could find, to no avail, so I thought it was lost, but happily, I was wrong. That said, the stories are not something that will probably ever see any form of distribution again (it's a matter of inappropriate content), but it was really neat flipping back through them. Also neat was seeing that I apparently started two more, both of which still seem interesting / to be going somewhere, but didn't finish either. In both cases, it seemed ideas just stopped coming to me. So sad that I gave up on account of writer's block. As for the other notebook, it was arguably the first journal I ever kept, and unlike this one, where I try to write two to three medium-sized paragraphs each day, I didn't obsess over length. I said (wrote) what I had to say on a daily basis, and that was that. Sometimes it was more, sometimes less, and there were several gaps where I didn't write anything at all, due to having Josh over for the night and not having the privacy needed to, but f- me (I've been watching too many shows with Gordon Ramsay lately...) were they ever consistent and more interesting. I feel like I've become far too reluctant (or maybe even afraid) to write about alot of things in here, but there's a reason for that. This journal is viewable by absolutely anybody (barring a few exceptions that are beyond my control) with an internet connection. The notebook-based one, on the other hand, was to my knowledge viewable only by me, so I didn't have to worry about filtering what I was writing nearly as much. The obvious place to go on the back of liking how I used to write is to get a new, cheap notebook, and write in there daily about whatever I had to say, but if I do that, this journal will eventually suffer, and I won't be able to continue. Maybe that's actually why I stopped. Around the time that those notebook entries were from, we didn't have an internet connection, so I had to make do. Ever since we had though, it's been easier to write in here / in other various journals that I've had. Furthermore, what I write about has changed from what I used to write about, as a result of both ever-changing interests, and making friends on here (even though I haven't received a comment in over a year...). Overall, maybe it's not a surprise that I am where I am now, but I'd still like to find a way to recapture how I used to write. One particularly memorable entry in that journal (the very last one, actually) was a simple yet extremely effective statement to the effect of "Hard drive in the computer finally crapped out. [angry scribbles] POS thing >:|". I laughed quite a bit when I read that last night.

In other news though, I once again leave myself with precious little time to write before I go to work. Laura closes tonight, which is fine as it was she and I last Wednesday as well, but I don't think I can do very much on the way home. The only thing I ate yesterday was two orders of italian cheese bread from Little Caesars, which I figure is fair just on its own, but today, I've already had a bowl of cereal, and my last box of Kraft Dinner. As such, food after work will be limited to English muffins, and maybe another bowl of cereal, as opposed to going to 7-11 again. There's always the option of saving that for tomorrow, but I've also been thinking about going to Dollarama again. Whatever happens, I obsess too much over what I've eaten / what I'm going to eat. I should stop worrying about when I'm going to go to 7-11 or Tim Hortons, and work through my waffles and sudden increase in English muffins instead. So it's Thursday tomorrow. Who cares? Next Thursday will be of infinitely more significance anyway, for several reasons. First, a Visa bill actually came for me today. Strangely, it shows the payment that I made at the beginning of this month, and reflects the ~$70 I've spent since then, but I didn't and still haven't received what should've been my first bill. That aside though, I want to try to keep with this paying it off with my first pay each month thing. I have until the 11th of October this time, and next Thursday will only be the 4th, which still gives me another week. Secondly, there's a fair chance that I'll be going back to Heart and Stroke as soon as Tuesday, which would give me something else to break Thursday up with. I'm not sure why Tuesday continues to slip by largely unnoticed, but when Thursday comes, I get to feel like I have nothing to do. I'm not sure if there's a third point yet, but it might also be the night I take the time to properly go through all of my dresser drawers, and discard the unnecessary items. I would've last night, but I want to get a box from work to put clothes I don't need anymore into, and if I remember, I can get that tonight.

So many things to come, yes? It makes me feel lazy for doing little other than finishing one more puzzle in Picross 2 this afternoon. My Vita case finally arrived as well though, but compared to the one I have for my PSP, it's (understandably) quite a bit larger. Still fits in my pocket fine, but I'm not sure how both in one would work out. Also, I dreamt last night that the same person / people who sent me that note I said I was going to scan before (I will get to it eventually) sent me another one, except it was put in our mailbox without an envelope, folded around what felt like cards of some sort. That could happen eventually, for all I know, as if I had to guess, whoever tried to contact me to begin with won't give up on having not heard back from me just once. I really need to leave for work now though, so this is it. I'm going to have to walk pretty quickly...

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