Karadur Inacu  (karadur) wrote,
Karadur Inacu 

Don't Want to Do Anything

Let's just make this official right from the start. I was up until ~7:30 this morning writing Dan an email to say that I was having serious doubts about being able to afford to go away in November, and also to touch on some of what I wrote about yesterday. He replied, as expected, but I archived the message as quickly as possible, seeing only a couple words at the beginning that went something like "I've been staying mostly at home", which is sure enough making me doubt nearly everything I said before. At this point, I still don't know what to do? Stop acting like a child, take some of my savings, and go anyway, or call it off, and use the next several months to try to save up enough so that I'm comfortable again? If I said "I can't go", it might look a bit better to Mary, in that I wouldn't be taking off for the fourth or fifth time this year, but I'd still end up spending money. I would want to set some aside to go shopping for Halloween candy in the first few days of November, not to mention Christmas, and already really looking forward to going out to Real Canadian Superstore and Walmart when they're open 24 hours. Altogether, everything here would come to at least ~$500, which is about $100 more than what I'd want to take to Toronto, but I could save some money by not going there, and... *sigh* Seriously, why don't I just transfer $1,000 from savings, and make it my goal over the next year to slowly replace that? Because it's not worth it. Transferring that amount and being able to do everything I was planning to do in November and December isn't worth additional stress on top of what I'm feeling already. I just need time to think about my decision. If I choose to call off those plans, I'd want to let Mary know before the third week of October, but if I choose to go through with them as they were before this came up, I'd really, seriously need to think about how I'm going to approach things differently next year. It's a case of neither one seeming particularly better than the other, and I'm already starting to hate myself for saying anything to begin with. I just couldn't go to sleep last night without saying what I did though.

True to the title as well, I don't really feel like writing about anything else today. Was last night at work long and frustrating? Yes, because Tom took Cheryl's shift, and thus I was left on line by myself for the entire night once more, but my job is the one source of steady income that I have, so I should try more to not get hung up on such things, and do the work that's required of me. I also helped Naomi with her laptop last night - an issue of Windows freezing when listening to music, which I hope was solved by reinstalling her audio driver - but seriously, big deal. I don't even feel like continuing this right now, so it might as well be done here for now. I think the only thing I kind of want to do is read Dan's reply, so I can see everything he said, and maybe respond to him, but still, it's becoming all too much, so I'll just lay here and listen to people arguing with each other next door or something. What else is there to do?

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