Karadur Inacu  (karadur) wrote,
Karadur Inacu 

Full of Regrets Today

If nothing else, I really get the feeling that what I said yesterday wasn't entirely right. I definitely regret saying anything to Dan about the radio. No matter what happened exactly, it was interesting to hear from the lady at the bank, but that's it. Getting excited is what led to wanting to share it, because that would extend the feeling, but past telling him what happened, that feeling faded away, and I was left feeling the same as before, but with the addition of feeling anxiety over bragging, which links directly to wishing I hadn't said anything to begin with. That's just one though. What else do I regret? Asking for more details about that person in this city Dan mentioned discovering last week. I sincerely hope they disregarded him giving them a link to my LiveJournal, because that has caused me no end to problems since, especially today. I'm not upset with him for saying anything, because I don't want to live in sheltered ignorance for the rest of my life, but I am... disappointed (putting it very mildly) with myself for having to get more information on who it was right-absolutely-straight-immediately-away. Getting a better idea of who people are is fine, but along the same principle that I described quite a while ago, that sameness can only remain in effect so long as I'm continually learning new things about them. In this case, however, the extent of my interaction with them is the same as that night Dan gave me a link to their Furaffinity profile. I can look at it and see the same collection of information that I saw the first time, but I haven't gone any further. I haven't tried to find a way to contact them, if only to just say "We seem to both live in the same city, so hello~", because I don't have an actual reason to, so on one hand, knowing of them but not doing anything with that knowledge causes anxiety, and on the other, knowing that Dan also knows them, and has probably already talked with them quite a bit about various things causes even more. I want to tell myself I should stop making excuses and find a way to say "Hi" or such else, but the same principle applies there. Supposing they have MSN too, and I add them to my list, we could probably talk for a bit, and things would be much better for that time, but we would eventually run out of things to talk about, and that decline in conversation would be the first issue (for me). The second would be that depending on how strongly the first affects me, I could start pulling things just out of the blue to talk about, and that also never ends well. I do suppose that gives me a little room to work with though. Give myself a bit of time to think about it, and if I decide to go through with the idea, look for their email address, and send them an email just to say hi, if I can find it. From there, whatever happens happens. Much as I may currently dislike him for indirectly causing me this anxiety, I do still want to have Dan here sometime in 2013, and if and when that happens, it would be fun to organize / help organize a furmeet. Should the person mentioned above want to come / be available for that, I'd rather have "met" them beforehand. To think I had that at one point too, and effectively threw it away on account of not being able to handle my insecurity and anxiety. Oh, and if it seems that I'm using that word an awful lot so far in this entry, I noticed it too, but that really is the only word that describes how I feel.

That said, it's obviously not been a terribly productive or fun day. I slept 'til 2:30, which was nice, but then noticed Dan hadn't responded to either of the messages I sent him when I got home last night, which pretty well kicked things off for where I am right now. For the record, they were statements as opposed to questions, so there wasn't anything for him to respond directly too, but I'd like to ask if it is that much to ask for him to say "Okay". I get that he's in Ajax helping to clean up a house, but that's three times in the past several days that I've left messages, and I don't want to bother him again, but don't want to sit here not saying anything either. Seriously, what is wrong with me? Same as I described the other day, that eggs in one basket analogy. More frustrating is that I never do anything about it though. Even now, I'm just writing this to get things off my mind before I go to work. With time (probably by Thanksgiving), I'll be over this, and will feel okay again, but nothing will have actually changed. Changes are what I need to make, yet I'm too afraid to go through with any for fear of what consequences they may bring. Full of excuses, I am. I wish it was the middle of the month already, because Dan said he'll be away until then, and I'd like to try talking some more. Back on Thursday (I think) we got on the topic of labels and perception, but I had something else to do (can't remember what now, but it was dishes or going grocery shopping or somesuch), which I would like to continue talking about, because it seems that's one of the areas where my thinking is markedly different compared to that of others. To give an example, the furry fandom. I've said quite a few times before that I don't see myself as part of it, because I don't do / see the appeal in what most furries seem to do. As Dan said though, the definition of what makes somebody a furry is very broad - it's something different to everybody, and while I understand what he means, I don't see it that way. Supposing I were to say I'm a furry again, the moment I see somebody else who says they're a furry doing something that I don't, I'll assume their definition is right, so I must not be. I suppose that makes sense with my wanting to be unique, yes? I'm struggling to define myself, but I can't, because it almost never matches up with the definitions that other people have made, and in the few cases where it does, that other person / those other people will still inevitably be just different enough from me to make me feel insecure. As we know, insecurity comes from comparing myself to other people, so I could theoretically do away with it by stopping that, but if I stop comparing myself to others, then I won't be able to define myself. I'd actually like to write a post for co_morbidity about that, as I received some insightful and interesting responses when I posted there before, but ~10 minutes doesn't seem like nearly enough time. Maybe when I get home from work, or tomorrow afternoon...

With the rest of my time today, the only thing I absolutely must do is leave feedback for the seller I got those ears from. As for work, I'm sure it won't be any longer than last night. There was an issue with the drive through, so the customers could hear us as the speaker, but we couldn't hear them, so orders had to be placed one-by-one at the window, which greatly drew out the rush we got after 11. It was also James' first weekend close alone, so there wasn't much structure, and I was kind of goofing off, but apart from some things not being as clean as they could've been, we were still out at ~3:30, and he and I enjoyed a nice, brisk walk down to Grand Ave, while talking about Tom and other such things. Apparently him being permanently off closes has been rescinded, on account of Mary being too annoyed with him on days. Yes. Also, about halfway down the street, we came upon a group of four people, one of whom started harrassing me (most memorably yelling "pussy!"). One of the other people threw a lit pack of matches on the sidewalk, so I stepped on it as we were walking away, then James said "[expletive] people", and I observed that they might be headed up to try and walk through the drive through. It was a little upsetting then, but now... it happens. So long as they don't get physical, I couldn't care less what they say. Now, if the same happens tonight when Manoah and I walk home... I do want to tidy up my room a bit before I leave though, so this is done, just as soon as I add an LJ-cut for the second paragraph~

  • I Know What It Is

    I wish I could easily skim through all of my old entries here and try to pinpoint something. Specifically, I want to know when it was that I started…

  • Random Entry for November

    Prediction: I'll end up becoming too tired to stay awake before I've finished writing, and by the time tomorrow gets here and I'm sat with my laptop…

  • A Limited (But Lengthy) Update

    Been a long time since I wrote in here, and even longer since I recalled a weird dream, but I had a couple last night that still stand out, and I'd…

  • Post a new comment


    Anonymous comments are disabled in this journal

    default userpic

    Your reply will be screened

    Your IP address will be recorded