Karadur Inacu  (karadur) wrote,
Karadur Inacu 

A Question I Can't Answer

Looking back to yesterday, I'm rather pleased with that entry, and I think I can finally say why. It's one thing just writing about why I may be feeling upset, but it's another entirely to turn that around. My previous entry could've ended up being only what I thought it would be at the beginning - a small 3~4 item list detailing what I was feeling regretful over - but instead, it turned into something that gave me more than what I was feeling bad over to think about, and as I was getting ready to go to work, a question came to mind, that I'm still not sure of the proper answer to. I do feel that the interconnecting pattern of things I wrote about previously is right, and I'm somewhat excited about it, because I never realized how insecurity tied in with perception and wanting to be unique before, but where does that leave my relationship with Manoah and Dan? I see / talk to / interact with both of them on a regular basis, and we've been friends for a good while - a couple years with Dan, and I think nearly seven with Manoah. To be fair, things are more shaky with Dan than with Manoah, but that's to be expected. While Manoah and I have had our share of fights over things at work, they've yet to ever be of a personal nature. On the other hand, while I've yet to have a fight / argument with Dan, the problems that come up through doing things with him are always of a personal nature, and thus affect me more. Back to the question though how is it that we've been friends for as long as we have, in spite of what I wrote about yesterday, that would seem to imply that me being friends with anybody is impossible? I think it's based on the nature of us being friends. As I just said, Manoah and I simply worked at the same place, and became friends over time. As for Dan, I was the one who asked him if he was still on MSN, because I needed somebody to talk to about those problems I was facing regarding stories, and didn't know who else to turn to. That also ties in with what I wrote about yesterday. If I had reason to contact the person Dan mentioned before, there's a good chance we would become friends, but just wanting to say hi and introduce myself doesn't feel like a very good reason. I really do want to stop making excuses though, so I'll have to think about that. I could also look at it from their point of view and say that they have my LiveJournal username, and anonymous comments are enabled, but I've yet to hear from them. As for writing a post for co_morbidity about what I wrote yesterday, I'm still thinking about that, but need to try and figure out how to work it into a proper post first. Also, I'd like to put that reasoning to the test in a real-life scenario, to see how things turn out now that I've discovered more.

Having said that, I'm a little annoyed with how this entry is coming out. It's so slow, which is an issue because it's almost 7pm, and I'd rather just write what's on my mind right at the moment, instead of having to stop and think if that's the right way to say what was on my mind, or if I should try putting it a different way. Suppose I should start doing that instead - write without thinking, and go back to proofread afterward? If I continue to leave myself with little time before having to go to work, that's going to become an issue pretty quickly, but supposing I were to write as soon as I got home from work at night, and then take some time before going to bed to proofread it, that might work better. Similarly, I'm also considering a change to how I communicate with Dan, as a direct result of getting responses to messages that I send while he's away only about half the time. I would use email primarily, and Instantbird when there's something more detailed to be discussed. Depending on what comes and goes from my mind between now and the end of the month, I might like to try and have a discussion with him there about some of the things I've been writing about recently, instead of talking via instant messages, and not getting the same feeling from those as one does from talking face to face with another person. I know I couldn't do it before (the first several times I went there to visit him), but I'm starting to think that I could now. Take, for example, that angry entry I wrote when I was there, about having spent ~10 hours in the kitchen baking, and not getting a single "thank you" or other comment of recognition, and also being annoyed with him specifically for not closing the door to the bedroom, as I had it before he entered. These days, I think I could say those things right then, and not feel bad. Asking for a "thank you" is as simple as saying "I just spent [time] in the kitchen. What do you think about that?" or "Do you have anything to say", possibly with a grin on my face. As for the door, no matter how upset I am, I could either say "Could you please close the door?", or get up and close it myself, without taking it out on him in here. That's not until the end of the month though, and money still has to be worked out before that too. Lots to think about, at any rate~

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