Karadur Inacu  (karadur) wrote,
Karadur Inacu 

It's Always Writer's Block

I was so ready to write the post I mentioned wanting to write a couple times in here recently. The first paragraph came out fine, as did the second, but as soon as I got to what was supposed to be the interesting part, I couldn't think of what do say. Did I want to start with defintions of the key terms, to refer to later, or jump right in and define them as I go? Furthermore, would I want to give an example for ease of understanding, and if so, should I use the most notable one (that being the furry fandom)? How about what would happen if I was able to write a whole, proper post? Should I ask "Has anybody else had experiences with the same thing?", or was I writing just to share my revelation, and nothing else? Suffice it to say, the draft is still open in FocusWriter, but if I do get back to it by the end of the night, it won't be before I write this. I really do feel I was onto something - perception leads to definition, which doesn't stand up to muster, and thus leads to insecurity - but that's really it. Where can I go from there? Try to figure out why any definition I hold for items of identity crumbles when compared to that of somebody else? It's a good start, but unless I have to effectively spam my definition in order for it to become substantial, then I don't know what to do. There's also the possibility that sharing definitions with other people to strengthen them could lead to insecurity of its own, depending on their response. Unless that's just an excuse to not do it, but right now, I don't think so. Maybe what I should actually try to write about is definition. That would give me something specific to ask other people about, but I still want to write this first.

On a similar note, I don't know that I'm ready to put this stuff regarding Squeeze behind me, but I kind of feel like it at the moment, so let's see. When he first mentioned them, Dan said they were a guy. Their Furaffinity profile refers to them as a "mother of one" though, and pictures of their fursona in their gallery are also of a female character, which is two to one. We apparently both live in the same city, which I find interesting, and see as a reason to want to contact them - one of the things I'd like to do is try to have more friends around here - but to date, neither of us have contacted each other. Dan did give them the address for my LiveJournal though, so I wonder... have they been reading these entries I've been writing lately? Could they have been planning to contact me at first, and decided against it after seeing what issues just knowing of them caused me, or am I getting way ahead of myself, and in reality, they haven't so much as entered the URL into their browser yet? I'm back to using this theme again, so I could check StatCounter to hopefully find out, but if I do that now, and see one or more visits from them (presumably), I'll get all panicked / anxious, and not be able to finish this. One option I have for contacting them is to log into my Furaffinity profile and send them a message to say "A friend told me about you, and said that we both live in the same city, so hi. I don't go on here much, but if you want to chat a bit, here's my email address", which I will keep firmly in mind, but I don't want to go through with it yet. Am I sure I'm ready for this? I was lucky before - of the three people I'd actually gone out to do things with in this city, two had moved away for school, and I'd only just met the other one, but if it happens again, I'll be much more in dire straits. By no means do I want this to sound conceited, but I have a certain image here. A good number of people are aware of me, so if I do make friends here and try to get together only for insecurity to rear its head again, it will be quite a bit more difficult for me to disappear and collect myself. Then again, that would be a perfect reason to not let things get to me so much. There would be exceptions, of course (for example, if somebody wanted to watch (or wanted me to watch) Kung Fu Panda, I would flatly refuse), but back then, I was all about just writing about why I was feeling bad when something happened. Nowadays, I don't give up so easily. Insecurity may still be an issue, but I have more resources for dealing with it than just running away. Back to the original topic now, time will tell what happens. One highly annoying thought I had was that because she also lives in Chatham, Squeeze could quite possibly end up going to visit Dan eventually, and it would no longer be my thing, but to think that way is just stupid. To my knowledge, I may be the first friend from Chatham he's ever had visit, but it's not like I'm the only one who ever goes there. What I should be worried about is him coming here eventually, and us organizing a furmeet. I already know there are other furries in this city than her, so what's been happening over the past week could happen again with all of them. Pretty annoying, isn't it?

Personal things aside, it has been a mostly productive night even without work. I got exactly what I was hoping to find at Giant Tiger, finished working through that folder of new music (only 1,462 files...), tidied up my desktop somewhat, and will be headed downstairs for more English muffins after this, making for one package so far that I've gone through. On the other hand (being not so productive things), I'm downloading a torrent for audiobook versions of Redwall books, which is another ~8GB, along with the possibility of collecting the episodes of a TV series I discovered at the end of an episode of Bar Rescue. It's called "Flip Men", and judging from the preview, appears to be an interesting show, so I'll watch the first episode later and see. Also, unrelated, I've had my AA battery charger for a good little while now, and only realized that it too can charge AAA batteries. Had I known that when I went to Future Shop last week, I could've saved ~$30, but I suppose that's just the way it goes. Two is better than one, and now I have two functionally identical chargers, and twelve batteries - 6 AA and 6 AAA. This'll probably be it though, because it's later than I thought it would be now, and I'd still like some time to relax before I call it a night. One of these days I'll have a proper day off, but as things stand now, that's going to have to wait. I wonder what Thursday will bring?...

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