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I Hate My Mind

In three distinct ways, to begin with. I'm still somewhat mystified as to what the causes are, but I have all night yet to think about that.

Way #1] I was well into my "If you so much as look at me the wrong way, I will" (figuratively) "bite your head off" state of mind at work last night, which made for a long, intensely frustrating shift. Customers were annoying, as were the staff who seemingly had nothing better to do with their time than stand around talking and laughing. Dishes too, because they were properly caught up for only ~20 minutes out of the entire night and... I could probably go on, but should remember that it's Thursday now, so I don't have to work, and thus don't have to worry about going through that again just yet.

Way #2] Before I laid down to go to sleep last night, I took a few minutes to just lay back in bed and listen to some music on my PSP, because it seemed like the appropriate thing to do at the time. Approximately halfway through the first song, my mind started to drift off to thoughts and scenes of a topic that would be personally upsetting. I want to say what it was specifically, but don't want to as well on the grounds that it concerns something I don't talk about. It did involve snow leopards, though. At any rate, unlikely as those thoughts might have been to ever become real, my focus drifted again, to thinking about going to Toronto at the end of the month, and what would happen if something similar occurred there. The ultimate conclusion I came to was a mental image of me being in the stairwell, head buried in my knees, crying, and Dan coming out to ask a simple question. Paraphrased, "If this causes you so much pain, why continue to associate yourself with it?" I (me laying in bed) couldn't come up with an answer, so I thought that was it. They weren't necessarily crushing feelings / thoughts or anything, but it left me with a distinct feeling of emptiness. Having had some sleep since, I realize the matter isn't so simple - it's not the object that causes me pain, but rather seeing it in circumstances that I don't approve of, or am not prepared for, but it was unpleasant at the time.

Way #3] This one involves dreams. I swear my mind was completely against me by the time I got to sleep, because although I don't remember the specific details of any of the dreams I had, I do remember that all of them involved personally negative things happening. One that actually does come to mind now was seeing another auction by that person I commissioned a story from before up on Furbid, and it already being up at $52. That was likely prompted by discussing eBay and Paypal with Manoah at work though. He wants to get a coat on eBay, but knows very little about the checkout process, so I was trying to help by answering questions yesterday. Back to sleep again, I still woke up feeling tired, in spite of going to bed at ~6, and waking up at ~2:30. It will end sooner or later, but at this rate, it wouldn't surprise me at all if it continues for a while.

In better news, I did take care of some overdue business today. I now have an appointment to get my health card renewed next Thursday (the 25th) at 2:30pm, ordered a Christmas present for Dad, and bought a copy of DJMax Technika Tune, which is released next Friday. Probably not in time for me to get it before I go to Toronto, even with Priority shipping, but it's a game I wanted, and ~$60 is a good deal less expensive than nearly $200 for the limited edition from the same site I got my Vita from. Also on the topic of money, Brandon sent me an email with a request this morning. He doesn't get paid until the end of the month, but wants some shirts that would probably be sold out before then, meaning I would buy them now, and get the money back later. I probably will, but him saying "Feel free to add anything, stipulations, ideas, input, etc." sounds pretty condescending (even though he probably didn't mean it), so I want to let that sink in first. As for the rest of the night, I have my work cut out for me yet again. I've pretty well officially decided to turn my 1TB PSP backups drive into an overall backups drive, and the first step to that is to pick through and sort out the files on the same drive I sorted out a couple weeks ago. Will be much fun. I have a trip to make to Dollarama when the dishes were done too. I'd almost talked myself into not needing to go earlier, but then remembered that I want to get more energy drinks there, so I need to tonight whether I want to or not. Energy drinks, another bottle of juice, and a few more candies than last time, and maybe a trip to 7-11 either after that, or later tonight depending on how much of the pizza we're having for supper that I eat. I should go in there and finish up the dishes right now though. I think this is all I wanted to say for now~

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