Karadur Inacu  (karadur) wrote,
Karadur Inacu 

The First Difficult Night

Could it be because of the time change? Should I have had that can of pop to drink before I tried to lay down for some sleep? More likely, did something effectively get stuck in my brain while I was sending emails in bed? Whatever happened, while the day started out well enough (Christmas shopping in particular), it took a turn for the worse shortly after we got home, and sleeping was difficult as well. To start with the less-difficult thing first though, for what felt like a couple hours about an hour after I first went to sleep, I kept tossing and turning, and waking up to check my laptop for replies to emails that I think I had been dreaming about, but which never actually came. As if that wasn't confusing enough (what was real, versus what was a dream), either Chris and Xion, or somebody else nearby was / were talking just loudly enough that I could hear muffled words, which became a part of the dreams as well. The person who was emailing me originally was also talking to me when I woke up but wasn't quite awake, urging me to get back to them with one last piece of information required for the furmeet (even though that was several days ago), which I could never get to. Every time I woke up and heard that talking, it sounded / felt like they were becoming increasingly more agitated with me, but I could never stay awake long enough to feel like I had replied, and every time I fell asleep, the emails were right there again. That continued on for a while, but I eventually realized it was all in my head, and that enough was enough, so I got up and went to the bathroom, then back to the bedroom again, and sat there on the bed with my eyes closed, feeling the same anxiety and stress quickly drift into focus again. Somehow, some way, though, I was able to fall asleep and remain asleep without issue after that, and even slept 'til noon.

As for the other, well, it is significantly more complicated. With the first part of the afternoon, Dan and I went out as planned. We were the only ones (of our group) at Golden Griddle, which was kind of disappointing, and went around to several places after that to look for / buy a bunch of things, along the way running into Babs, and possibly one or two other people who were at the party on Saturday. We finally got back home around 6:30, and it somehow came up that Dan had been talking to Totts after we cleaned up on Saturday, which annoyed me, because at that point, I still hadn't received a reply to the email I sent her. I didn't tell him that at the time though, and being unaware, he asked if I wanted to go downstairs to the party room with him for a bit, because he wanted to vacuum the couches. I said yes, but by that point, anxiety and slight depression over him talking to her but me being unable to were in full swing, so while he was getting ready, I went back into his room, to lay down on the bed with the lights off for a bit. He must have poked his head in, presumed I was asleep, and decided to head down without me after that, because the next thing I knew, I heard the apartment door open, and then get locked from outside. I jumped up, and ran after him, irritatedly saying that I would still go down with him, but was getting to be "a bit annoyed" over not having heard from Totts yet. I think he said "Well...", and may have intended to continue, but before he was able, I was through the door into the stairwell, because I wasn't in the mood.

Being in the party room with him seemed pretty pointless until he thanked me for coming down, and said he didn't want to be there on his own. I, however, had still said very little to nothing, because I was upset. She contacted me, yet the two of them were the ones who were talking, and I was left feeling like the friend who everybody just pretends to like. I eventually was able to sort that out enough to determine that for me it's a problem because of making that choice to be involved with more people at home again, only for it to apparently backfire. By that time, Dan was off at the far side of the middle room cleaning, and I was on the other, feeling intensely frustrated, because I wanted to tell him "This is why this situation bothers me", but knew that I wouldn't be able to without breaking into tears. I was on the verge of them already, and thus decided to go back into the first room, and stand behind the counter, where I could at least have some privacy. As it turned out, there was a bit of garbage and debris on the shelves there, so I cleaned it up and swept them clean, and then just knelt down, trying to fight off those other thoughts. A couple tears did fall, for what it's worth, but several more minutes passed before he came back into the same room. That's when he thanked me for coming down, and explained that he didn't want to be there on his own, then said "You look sleepy". I only replied with "No... I'm just trying to think of what to say, if anything", and that was pretty much it until we went back up to the apartment. I suggested repositioning one of the tables in the far room, after he decided he wanted the chairs to be in one group (they were previously divided into two), so we did that, went back upstairs, and resumed our original activities. A few minutes passed, and then he asked "Did you get her email?" She had indeed replied, to explain that she'd been busy with moving and trying to pay bills, among other things, but before I could write a complete reply myself, Dan and I decided to go out again, to get poutine for supper, and that's where things still stand now. I do appreciate her explanation, but the one thing that still bothers me (which I'll probably never ask about, because it sounds a bit... obsessive) is how she can be busy enough to be unable to respond to me, but have enough free time to talk to Dan. Frustratingly, I can say with certain confidence that if we had been talking more, I'd have probably told her the same thing I said to Squeeze - that I wanted to continue talking, but needed some time to adjust to the feelings of having that new... involvement first. I did give her my MSN address though, so we'll see what happens with that. I'm still kind of considering removing Xion from my contact list, so one person removed and one person added would make for balance. That aside though, in case you're reading this, Dan, that's not something I expect you to apologize for, and in case you've found your way here, Totts, please just bear with me. I'm not like this all the time, but friendships are... complicated.

In better news, a different idea for how to approach shopping crossed my mind while I was washing the dishes last night. Next time I come here (whenever that may be), I'll give Dan a list of the groceries I will need, so he can go buy them here, and then I'll pay him back when I arrive. That way, the only shopping we'll need to do is for meals, and combining that with staying awake all night and day as I did this time, I could have even more time to finish all of my baking in one day. Right now though, I want to set this aside so I can get to work making cookies for Cheryl. Three dozen shouldn't take too long, but two of the recipes are new, so they might take a bit of extra time. Might as well get started now~

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