Karadur Inacu  (karadur) wrote,
Karadur Inacu 

The First Day Back

I think I said most of what I wanted to say in the email I wrote to Dan last night, so... where do I go now? Why not start where I left off yesterday? That is, after all, probably the most interesting thing I have going on right now.

To start right from the beginning, I was in the kitchen baking cookies for Cheryl on Monday night, and eventually had a spare moment to stick my head out into the living room again. As soon as I did that, Dan said "I think I might have Blake over tonight", that person being another friend of his, and somebody who had been at the furmeet. It may be important to note that he didn't ask so much as tell me (which I wouldn't expect to change), even though after I said "Oh, alright", he went down the hallway to ask Bungee if that was alright with him. I can only presume he received a positive response, because some time passed, then Bungee went out to run some errand of his own, and came back with Blake in tow, after running into him in the hallway / at the front door / elsewhere in the building. Dan was in the bathroom at that point, so he (Blake) sat down on the couch while I continued to work on cookies, not being sure if I should say anything. After a time though, I did at least tell him that I wasn't sure where Dan was, and about ten minutes after that, Dan finally came out of the bathroom, and sat down on the couch with him to watch TV. I did the same once my cookies had been put in the oven, and that was it for a little while longer. Skip ahead an hour or so, however, and I'd gone back into the kitchen to wash the dishes I had used, and poked my head out into the living room while drying something or other to find the two of them cuddling on the couch. "Oh", I thought. "So that's why Dan invited him over. He must want this... level of interaction tonight, and knows I'm not the sort of person to do that with him." For what it's worth, they weren't doing anything indecent, and from what I saw, Dan was mostly just sitting there, and Blake was doing all the work, to use those words. Whatever happened aside, we all watched TV for another hour or so, then they decided to call it a night, and I followed them shortly after, taking the time to have a shower and shave before I actually laid down. Nothing much else happened that night - I think I wrote a LiveJournal entry, and did a few other things (one of which was writing an email to him to ask what the next steps were for planning a furmeet in Chatham, and trying to explain how I felt regarding him, Totts, and myself, but that was pretty well it until morning. When morning came, however... Maybe I should start a new paragraph.

The first time I woke up when they were awake in bed, I rolled over and saw something that I really jumped to the wrong conclusion about. At least one of them was naked, and from my point of view, it looked like they were on top of each other, and I just... didn't know what to do, so I rolled over to face the other direction, and stared wide-eyed through the little area where I'd lifted the blanket up to see / breathe through. I heard sounds that definitely didn't sound like kissing, but probably were, thinking back now, and eventually, from Blake, an "I love you Dan", which just... hit me like a tonne of bricks. I've written before about how I like going there because I genuinely feel like I belong, and that I'm wanted / appreciated, but when I heard that, it was as if everything good I had was torn away from me at once, as a result of them seemingly sharing something more than I could ever hope to. In the email I wrote to Dan, I asked him if he could imagine how much it hurt to not be able to say the same thing myself, simply because even if we are only friends, I'd like to have that level of attachment with somebody. Getting back to that morning though, I fell asleep again eventually, and the next time I woke up, they were out in the living room, but I was in far too distraught a mood to even poke my head out there and say hi. Instead, I went to the bathroom, opening and closing the door to both the bedroom and the bathroom as quietly as possible, and ultimately spent a good five hours laying in bed doing things on my laptop, thinking about how I felt. I really hoped Dan would wonder why I wasn't out there yet, and come in to see if I was still sleeping or whatever else, but it wasn't until just 3 or so that he came in. Instead of asking what I was up to in there, however, he said (with a laugh) "I guess the zoo's off for today, huh?", and when I responded with a dry "I guess", said he'd just come in to grab his phone, picked it up, and left, closing the door behind him. Prior to him coming in, I had been writing an email to Squeeze to tell her what was going on, because she'd previously told me that certain things furries do bother her too, but that she tries not to let it / them get to her, and I couldn't think of a better person to talk to. As soon as Dan left, I interrupted what I had been writing to say "Really! This just happened, and I can't believe it!" (not those exact words). I finished it up after that, and sent it to her, which was perhaps the first step to pulling myself out of that pit of self-pity. I stayed in the room though, watching episodes of Home Improvement and doing other things, until about 5, when he finally came in again, and we had a bit of a difficult (at least on my part) conversation. Note that the thoughts going through my mind before that eventually had me to the point of tears, which got even worse when he came in and asked what I was up to, because hey, he was right there, and there would probably never be a better position in which to talk to him, but I couldn't, leading to additional frustration (and thus tears) over not being able to let it out. From what I can recall though, talking then went roughly as follows: he said he'd responded to the email I sent the previous night, and when I didn't respond immediately, asked if I was alright. From under the blanket I'd pulled up to cover my head so he couldn't see my face, I said "In some respects", followed by (instead of waiting for him to ask what that meant) telling him that I might as well get it out just then, and that if Blake was ever over when I was there again, and they wanted to do what I thought they had been doing, I would appreciate being given the option of sleeping on the couch. He said I always had that option, and that they'd only been cuddling, so I switched my request slightly, and asked that I be given some warning instead, and added that while I may have been wrong, it didn't look like they were just cuddling to me, and eventually added that I was really upset with myself for being that way. He responded by saying that he didn't think I'd done anything wrong (presumably anything worth being upset with myself over), that he didn't want to make me uncomfortable, and that they could "probably be less cuddly next time", and that was all for a bit. He laid in bed for a little while longer, apparently just being tired, and eventually got up and went out to the living room again, before I had the chance to say anything else. It was then that I decided to write another. In that one, I started by saying that I might not have done anything wrong from his point of view, but it was all the things I didn't say, either because (to use my exact words), they weren't fit to be said, or because I couldn't bring myself to say them. I asked him why I even needed to be around. It still (rightly) seemed like he had invited Blake over the previous night, which made me feel unwanted / ignored. I may not have had anything better to do with my time, then, but I certainly didn't see the point to being there as a third wheel. Partway through writing that though, I decided that getting out could do me some good, and had also previously thought of something to get at Dollarama as a Christmas gift, so I ended the email by telling him that I was going to go out there, and that I really wasn't sure about going to the zoo "tomorrow" (Wednesday) with him anymore, because the state of mind I was in then led to a pretty decisive suggestion that the only reason he always went to the zoo with me was because I wanted to go there, and I was his guest - if he had a choice, however, he would choose to stay at home. I didn't send it right away though, because I figured if I did, he would see it before I was fully ready to go, and I wouldn't be able to get out of the apartment as easily. I went into the bathroom to wash my face, then back into the bedroom to get dressed, and to get my PSP ready to listen to music on, then... he came in just as I was about to leave. I explained to him that I was headed out to Dollarama, and he said he would go with me, but then must have noticed the look on my face, or redness of my eyes, and added "If you want me to". Much as it pained me even then, when I was still upset with him, I told him that I would actually prefer to go on my own, and then, while he was still in the room, sat down on the bed again to send that email. I then went out to put my shoes on, asked if I could borrow his keys, said I was planning to go the bank as well, so I might be gone a little bit longer, and in front of Blake (who I didn't see sitting back at Dan's computer) told him that I'd sent him an email to explain what had been going on that afternoon. After that, I went out, and made it about halfway through the parking lot before realizing that I forgot my wallet, leading to having to go back upstairs, and rush in and out as quickly as possible. Blake was still using Dan's computer, so I found Dan in his room at his desktop computer there. As I walked in, he said he was just starting to read the email, but I only told him that I forgot my wallet, grabbed it, and left again, because I didn't want there to be a chance of him starting to respond, because that would've pulled my mood right down to the lowest point again, and left me unwilling to go anywhere or do anything for the rest of the night, in addition to the afternoon.

The walk to the bank, and then out to Cloverdale Mall was nice, and new, at least for me. I knew how to get to the bank, and I knew how to get to the mall, but never before had I gone out on my own to go to both the bank and the mall. The only new part was taking Bloor from Islington to Dundas St W, but it was new, and I enjoyed it. What I enjoyed more though was getting to walk quickly again. It was fairly cool when I first set out, but by the time I was halfway to the mall, I was on the verge of sweating, simply from walking faster than I do when it's Dan and I out together. I'm not going to provide a complete recount of the walk, but I made it to Dollarama, bought what I wanted and then some, and had an equally brisk walk home. Upon entering the apartment, I found Dan sitting on the couch, and still not seeing Blake off sitting at the table where he was when I left, said that I wasn't prepared just yet to deal with (hear a response) to that email. My mood while I was in Dollarama was rather a good one. I was rather ashamed thinking about the things I'd said to / told Dan, and was regretting going back to the apartment, because I figured my mood earlier that afternoon was a by-product of being cooped up, and needing to get out on my own, but the closer and closer I got to Mabelle, and from there the building, the more and more those feelings started to come back. After I told him that, though, I went back into the bedroom again, to sit down and rest. He followed, telling me that he'd responded to my email, which I saw as soon as I opened my laptop, but I didn't want to read it right away, just because I didn't... want to go there. I wanted to close that entire area of myself off until I was calmed down and ready to approach what I'd said previously in a more calm and rational manner, but instead of waiting, I did read through the email, incredibly slowly. I responded in what could probably be referred to as real-time too. Instead of responding with another email, I told him right then and there, getting really shaky at one point, which he said happens to him too sometimes. That aside though, I did read through the entire email, and I did respond to everything, which helped immensely. By no means was it easy, but being able to talk through it then and there was so very much better than trying to talk in text that I can't possibly describe it. I may work up another entry centered around that email eventually, but for now, just know that we talked then, and I came away from it feeling much better than I had earlier in the afternoon. Blake came in shortly after that - I'm not sure if he had been out in the hallway listening, so he could know when we were done talking about personal things, or if he just came in at the right time, but when he did, the topic of conversation turned to what we were going to do for supper. After hearing of it several times at the furmeet, I really wanted to try hot dog stuffed crust pizza from Pizza Hut, and Dan had nearby locations all loaded up on his desktop computer, so he could suggest that he walk to / take the subway out there, and enjoy a nice meal. I was rather opposed to going out, having just come back from being out, but I didn't tell him that I would've preferred to have it delivered. We ended up getting sidetracked when Blake told me that he really liked the cookies I made (extras from the ones I made for Cheryl), and that he likes to bake too, but only does when he's having company. I'm sure we talked about a few other things too - I know he said for the second time that he "loves snow leopards", presumably prompted at least in part by me being there (which was annoying to hear both times, because it's the sort of statement that I feel I should have a response to because it's something personally relevant, but don't) - but I don't remember much of what else was said between then and realizing that if we wanted to go out for supper, we would have to leave right then. Neither Blake nor I felt like doing that though, apparently, and he suggested that he just have it delivered, so we did. After some confusion with the online ordering system, and trying to decide what sides we wanted to get, the order was placed, and I went out to the living room for the second time (the first for more than a few seconds), initially to put some of the last type of cookies for Cheryl away, and then to put my dishes from the previous night away, because wanting to be a part of what was going on in the living room took me away from them. Pizza ended up being somewhat delayed, so Dan called to check on the order less than a minute before it pulled up, and then we all enjoyed an... interesting meal. A large order of garlic bread with cheese (which costs $5.99) somehow comprises only four pieces, and the pizza was good, but far more... interesting. It was really nice to just finally relax for a bit, with stress from other things set aside for the purpose of eating supper, but one more interesting thing happened. I grabbed one of my cartons of juice from the fridge to drink, and drank some of it right out of the bottle, because as far as I could tell, I was the only one who would be drinking from it. Blake eventually asked if we had any cups though, so I went into the kitchen to get him one, and when I brought it out to the living room again, he took it, poured some of my juice, and commented that the sauce on the pizza was too spicy for his liking. Right away, I don't mind sharing like that, but it was interesting. We were essentially still strangers to each other, from my point of view, and he's drinking from a bottle of juice that's come into direct contact with my mouth? Okay, and fine once again, because so long as he doesn't have an issue, I don't either (it's kind of perverse, isn't it?), but clearly I do have different views when it comes to how I interact with people.

Following supper, Blake had to go home at ~10:30, and I think Dan and I spent the next couple hours watching episodes of Fawlty Towers. We both decided to call it a night at ~12, but instead of being more or less silent once we were in the bedroom, I became quite chatty. I'm not sure exactly what we talked about at first, but he eventually said that he was really stressed out over everything he had coming up - going to Oshawa, and then to Chicago shortly after, so I tried to offer suggestions of what he could do. Instead of just taking a normal break whenever he had the chance, he should try to come up with specific things he could do when he had the time, so that way, he would know then as well as looking back that he'd had a chance to rest and relax. I also unhelpfully said that being stressed out really wouldn't help, if there was nothing that could be done in the meantime, and he said he understood, but that it was like when I'm upset about things. In his words, paraphrased him getting stressed out even though he knows he shouldn't is akin to me saying I'm upset about something, even though I know I shouldn't be. I can agree, the two are definitely alike, but more than that, I like the way he used something that we've talked about before to get me to understand where he was coming from, and as if that wasn't enough, we got off onto the topic of going to the zoo or something, and at the tail end of that, he said he didn't feel as stressed anymore, which really made me feel good. That part of me is definitely changing too. I used to be the sort of person who preferred communicating via text to talking in person, and while I still am that way in some respects / with other people, I think, or perhaps know I would now choose to talk to Dan face to face, versus trying to talk online. Conversations in MSN / Instantbird just aren't the same when one can't communicate tone of voice and body language and all those other nuances. At any rate, we talked for a good couple hours. I still wish I could remember what about, but since I can't, I can at least say that I'd really like to do that again, should we have anything to talk about in the future. Why? Because it's exactly what I envisioned happening the first time I went there, after he said that he'd really like to talk to me in person. It's taken, oh, a year and a half and six or seven visits to get me to the point where I can finally do that, but now that I can, I want to do it more. Finally, at the very end of all of this, I went to bed that night and had a truly peaceful sleep. I wasn't worried about anything, and waking up to see him in the next bed reminded me of the previous night, and... had he not been asleep, I probably would've given him a hug, which is another thing. Back when he first started talking, nearly all of our conversations ended with "*hugs*". That stopped after a time, though, and the couple times I noticed it between then and now, I told myself it was just a matter of me not finding that to be an appropriate way of ending the conversation anymore. Now, however, it's something I said / "did" on the train last night, and again at the end of the email I wrote him before I went to bed, to ask a question I forgot to while I was there, among other things, because it is appropriate. I would want to do the same if we'd talked face to face about those things, and on that note, remember what I said yesterday about him giggling while I was hugging him at the train station, and hoping that was a good thing? I said pretty much the same to him when I got back home and started to unpack, and received a response of "Giggle was being happy hugging you", followed by "*hugs*". I really like the way this makes me feel <3

With that out of the way, I really hope this isn't the last sort of entry I write like this, but it's nearly 7, so I'll need to get ready for work soon. Maybe I'll still wait until quarter after or so though. I don't know who will be closing tonight, and I don't know what, if anything has changed since I was last there, but the simple fact is that I shouldn't have to arrive early to find answers to either of those questions. As such, for now, I will resume watching season 2 episode 1 of Fawlty Towers, and try to respond to two emails I received earlier this afternoon. There just might might be enough time for everything~

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