Karadur Inacu  (karadur) wrote,
Karadur Inacu 

My Mood is Slipping

How do I know? Something that happened last night is the biggest clue. I've been in a good, warm mood since coming home, mostly because I was able to share what I did in Toronto with Manoah, but now that things have mostly been said, that warmth is slipping away, and I'm left with whatever temperature approximation or feeling doing things around here normally instils me with. I don't want it to go away just yet though, and I'm starting to come up with the most contrived ways of extending it. The best example to illustrate that would be this cuddling thing with Dan. While I was there, I felt quite firmly that although I wasn't that sort of person (one to be comfortable with cuddling), it was something that I wanted to be able to do. In his reply to my email about having issues as a result of seeing him and Blake doing that, Dan said if I ever want to share his bed to that end, he'd be "certainly fine" with it, but that he's uncomfortable initiating such things, and as such is content with whatever does, or doesn't happen. I myself am somebody who would be uncomfortable initiating that with another person too. As I said before, it's taken six or seven visits for me to even be able to talk to him somewhat freely, meaning that being able to initiate physical contact would be quite far away on its own. What I didn't notice before, however, is that between saying he's fine with me wanting to share his bed (or perhaps him share the one I use while I'm there, since it's larger) and saying he's happy either way, he said he couldn't recall ever talking about that with me, which throws a wrench into everything. Suddenly there's something I hadn't considered before, which makes my suggestion (that if we ever have something to talk about while we're there in his room in the future, he could come up and lay in my bed, and that would be something more, that doesn't necessarily involve physical contact) completely devoid of any substance, but only on the back of my mood going back to normal. Were it still elevated, I might just say "You're right - we didn't ever talk about cuddling", but such as it is, I see having that discussion as something that would put me in the same mood that I was in while I was there again, and while that might seem like an overall okay idea, I know from past experience that talking about things which I normally wouldn't would lead to conflict from not being able to sustain that sudden rush from new stimulus, and from discussing something that would potentially bring me closer to the sort of person that I want to be. I told him that this afternoon, but much simpler - that I might want to talk about it in the future, but am not sure just yet, because I know the only reason I want to talk about it right now is to renew / extend those feelings - and he said that made "some sense", so we'll see what happens. If I try to think about what I would ask / say, all I can come up with is a question that touches on not knowing quite enough to say where the line between cuddling and inappropriate contact is drawn. Maybe I really am better off remaining who I am now as far as that goes, but still, I know if I were faced with the same situation from Monday night / Tuesday morning last week again, I would get worked up over how they were doing that, and I couldn't, so it's complicated.

In other news, I think I'll ask for a ride to work tonight, because I've just spent a bit too long writing the above paragraph. The rest of this afternoon has been split mostly between chatting with Dan for a bit, taking care of a couple emails (one to Trish, one to Totts, and two to people I have commissions from, right now), and playing Paper Mario: Sticker Star, because I didn't realize EB Games did get it yesterday. It's actually pretty fun thus far, but absolutely having to use stickers to attack is something I'm not quite comfortable with yet. Why can't there be just basic jump / hammer commands? Oh well. I'll have to get used to it eventually. I've also been trying to think of what I should say to Laura at work tonight (about the phone), and think I finally came up with something good. We'll see about that when I get to work. Also, I'm ever so slowly finding more and more reason to switch from Palemoon to Google Chrome. I'm just not impressed with the latter's memory usage (~900MB for 13 tabs), and honestly don't know if Google Chrome is any better, but also I don't really want to go through the process of upgrading to a newer version of Palemoon, when by the time I finish adapting all of my tweaks, and find extensions to accomplish what I have now, there will be one, if not more new releases. I found out why my copy of DJMAX Technika Tune hasn't arrived yet too. In spite of the original October 26th release date, it has now been pushed back to sometime this month, and I've yet to get a response to the email I sent to ask if my order had shipped. I know the answer now - I wonder if anybody there will ever get back to me? It's past time that I was leaving for work now though, so I'm off to what should be another interesting night, and then a day off. I've got plenty to do and look forward to though, so it should pass fairly quickly~

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