Karadur Inacu  (karadur) wrote,
Karadur Inacu 

A New Source of Anxiety

On the surface, I still think, or maybe even know that I would get more out of a proper furry convention of I went to help, as opposed to seeing friends and such else. Is that, however, enough to say that I actually want to try doing that at some point in the near future? I came home from grocery shopping today to find an email from Dan saying that the bus he was on had just passed through Chatham, and in reply, I told him where I would've been at that time, and asked him to ask on my behalf whether or not it would be acceptable to just show up and offer to help, without making prior arrangements. He said that would probably be fine, as the people in charge would only need to confer with staff in advance, and then amusingly went on to add that if I wanted, I could just show up at the art show, and see if there was anything he needed help with. I'm not going anywhere of that sort for the foreseeable future though, which I told him in a few more words than that, but just behind the timing of that, there's a glimmer of the first thing I might have a problem with - that dynamic of essentially being subordinate to somebody I'm used to being on the same level with. This might also be what caused that slight irritation when he referred to me as "one of my staff" in his post about the furmeet earlier this month. In fairness to him, I don't mind working for / under somebody else, but I don't like it when that fact is constantly reinforced. For example, let's say Manoah asks me to clean the grill after we close tonight, and I tell him no, because I have dishes / something else that I feel is more important than cleaning the grill to do. He then responds by telling me that he's the manager, and it's his shift, so I can choose to either clean the grill, or get a write-up. I would choose to clean the grill, but would be quite annoyed with him for pulling rank like that. That's the reason I like closes - in pretty much every case so far (barring a few with Gabby), I've felt like the manager and I are equal, aside from them having extra paperwork and other responsibilities to complete. How about helping at the furmeet in Toronto? I've written on several different occasions that I probably wouldn't go to those anymore if I couldn't help, which is why I continue to want to go, and in the case of the last one, I was semi-officially put in charge of registration, without having Dan check on me every once in a while to make sure I was doing everything properly. Maybe helping at MFF or another convention would go the same way, but as yet, it's an unknown.

My other reason for feeling anxious over the prospect of doing that is what it would say of me. I feel like I don't mind helping out / contributing to the meet in Toronto, because there, I'm helping a friend in a context that is at least slightly applicable to my interests, but if I were to go to a convention, I'd more be helping people I didn't know, at a place that to me says "If you're here, you are a furry". As far as it being a step up from helping in Toronto, yes, I'd like to do that. As far as everything else goes, however, I have certain reservations. And many questions. I told Dan the handful I asked in the second reply I sent were largely rhetorical, but they range from needing to know if Mary would grant me another week off from work (and if that would be enough time), to wondering exactly what volunteering would entail (Dan mentioned checking bags and badges), and how long they would need me for. I'd like some time to myself, obviously, to go out for food and just relax, but otherwise, I think I'd want to keep busy helping, because I'd fall into the same trap of becoming overwhelmed as I did at MFF, and spend the rest of the time in the hotel room. Clearly it's something to consider, but at this point, it's still a "could be fun" type thing. Also, it's not directly related to that, but I find myself slightly on edge over the fact that he's currently on his way there to have fun and such things, while I'm stuck having to go to work. The obvious solution to that would be to find a way to be content / happy with what the next 3~4 days hold for me, but aside from starting to wrap Christmas presents, what I have to do is what I always do. It'd be nice if Squeeze or Totts responded to my messages, because then I could talk to them again, but not yet. Perhaps I'll close Instantbird (since Dan isn't around), and enjoy a few days of self-pity, or maybe I should stop feeling sorry for myself, and find some way to reinforce / remind myself that what he's doing isn't all that's going on this week. I still have just over half that pile of kits to work through at Heart and Stroke, as well as personal projects to get back to, and work to keep me busy, which I really should be getting ready for right now. It's more than enough in theory, but all it'll take is one email from him to mention some random fact while he's there, and I'll have to start all over again. I really need to be off to work though. I don't want to arrive just in time again...

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