Karadur Inacu  (karadur) wrote,
Karadur Inacu 

Back to This Again

I can't do this again. I'm trying to write a reasonable, well thought out entry about what's on my mind today, and I just can't bring the pieces together. In some respects, I'm still sullen and unhappy. In others, I'm glad to have another night off to myself, with the exception of having laundry to do and a shower to take. There are of course extremes for both of those as well, but I just... need this weekend to be done and over with. Not to sound selfish, but I need Dan to be back from MFF, so I can stop getting worked up over that. That came up at work last night, actually...

I eventually found reason to tell Manoah I was stressed out too (he'd previously said the same of himself), and in a response that struck me as both amusing and pleasing, he said he couldn't understand why, because (not his exact words) "Cats don't get stressed out". Yes, I appreciate and enjoy little remarks like that. I think I sarcastically responded with "I'm so sorry! I forgot about that!", and continued, telling him that I was still kind of worked up, and he responded by asking why. I told him I didn't want to say right then, because it was the end of the night, and I wanted to finish the last few dishes up, but he kept pestering me, and eventually settled for being told that I would explain what was going on while I was cleaning the grill, after finishing the dishes. My understanding from what he said before he started on me was that he still had quite a bit of work up front to finish, but he didn't, and... yes. I still cleaned the grill, but didn't say anything, and still didn't say anything while we were outside waiting for his sister to arrive, because we somehow got into a detailed discussion of what fruits we did and didn't like. When she finally showed up, I asked if I could get a ride. She said yes, and for pretty much the entire way home, we talked about what they'd done the previous night (gone to Windsor to see a movie with some other people from work). We continued talking when we got to our house, and just when I should've said "Thanks for the ride. I'll see both of you later", I said "I still haven't told Manoah what was going on earlier". That led both of them to practically turn around in their seats, and explain some of the situation. I like helping at the furmeets in Toronto so much that I want to be staff, from which Dan more or less rightly assumed I would like to try helping out at an actual convention, but there wasn't enough time for proper discussion of that to try to work it into him going to MFF this year, which has left me a bit prickly, over assigning way more value to that event than to anything else I have going on here. They both seemed to understand, and I went into the house shortly afterward feeling somewhat better, but the feeling didn't last past the end of the night. The best part is how they both suggested I go there today. The fact that I appreciate them wanting to help aside, yeah, right. Were there nothing to it other than that - no work or other obligations to worry about, and transportation already arranged - I absolutely would, but I had / have other things to do here, and I can't find any substantial way of telling myself they're more important. I think the only truly helpful thing so far is a thought I had this morning, when I couldn't get back to sleep. What would happen if I were to have gone, and that old friend and I were to run into each other? It would probably spoil my mood for a bit, but in that case, I wouldn't have the familiarity of being in Toronto to fall back on. If something goes wrong at one of the furmeets (even if I'm there as staff), I can tell Dan I need to take a break, and head up to the apartment / out somewhere for a bit. If something goes wrong at a convention that I attend for the purpose of helping (in any capacity), I really only have the hotel room to go back to, but even with that in mind, I would still like to try going again. Although maybe I should mention that the only thing that led me to say that this time is having another fancy little key card to take home with me. One of the things I remember most about going to MFF in 2008 these days is what I did between becoming overwhelmed by everything, and hiding in the room. Sitting in on the floor the elevator lobby on our floor (a nice open area, compared to the hallway) and writing about what was on my mind, which eventually changed (although I can't remember how) to sitting in the stairwell doing the same thing, and eventually being told I had to leave by one of the convention staff for some obscure reason. It's not like it wasn't a big stairwell, and it certainly wasn't crowded, but I still had to leave, and to this day I wish I knew why. At any rate, just... as stated above, were nothing else in the way of it, I would've gone to MFF with Dan a couple days ago, and would probably be trying to make the best of it right now. As I was unable to, however, I'm starting to have all sorts of lovely thoughts. Is there some reason I shouldn't be happy with just liking to help with his furmeets? I know Xion said once before that his ultimate goal (at least for the furmeet) is to turn it / them into an actual convention (and even if that happened, I'd still offer / want to help wherever possible), but until that happens, can I not be happy with what I have, or should I strive for something bigger? Dan's already said that he appreciates having snacks for the meet more than having snacks for everybody in the apartment, and I feel that could also be applied (albeit in a slightly contrived way) to conventions versus furmeets, by saying that he'd rather I put more effort into helping with the former than with his plans. I had the thought on the way to Heart and Stroke today that if these thoughts should become more than I can manage, I can always send him an email saying "I'm not so sure about this", but I just... don't want to. It's hard to say exactly why though.

That said, for as nice as this entry has been to write (it's allowed me to get some things off my chest), I don't want to spend all night on it. I may not have very many plans outside of playing Superstar Saga and Paper Mario: Sticker Star, but for a night off, those are quite fine. Now to break up that large paragraph above (it's all one at the moment) into something more readable...

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