Karadur Inacu  (karadur) wrote,
Karadur Inacu 

An End to This Activity

...and that is why I'm done reading scary stories for another little while. For my entire shift at work last night, I was filled with a steady uneasiness. I felt like I knew something bad was going to happen sooner or later, and on an interesting note, whenever my mind drifted off and I was just able to listen to my thoughts, I kept hearing bits and pieces (mostly fragmented sentences) of that which would comprise a scary story. No conscious effort in it at all, either. Curiously, however, I felt most ill at ease while I was inside. When I was outside, to enjoy the cool air for a bit, or walk from Grand Ave to home on my own, where there was arguably a far better chance of something frightening happening, I felt settled, if a bit tired. Then when I got home, that feeling of something being off quickly crept its way in again, and didn't go away until I was up in my room. Maybe it's entirely normal for slight paranoia like that to set in after spending a good several hours reading stories meant to be scary, but I am done once again, and sure enough did not touch a single one of those tabs when I got home last night. Instead, I worked on two emails, as detailed below.

The first email was to Totts. Much as I would like to not be the sort of person to be negatively affected by it, I am, and as such essentially told her that having to wait a month for a response to a simple email is going to be a problem. It will be a month (in terms of days) as of tomorrow, so if I still want to send that email when I get home, I will. I may edit it a bit first, but the fact that she's managed to talk to Dan at least three times but hasn't managed to write a reply to me without him telling her I was upset just doesn't add up. Is email really that inconvenient? Just say that then. I'd rather meet her in person, get to know each other, and discuss our options for keeping in touch there, rather than continuing to be left here feeling that she doesn't want to talk to me for some reason. As for the second email, I wrote it in the same way - as a draft that I may edit and send at a later date if I still want to then, except Dan would be the recipient of that one. Contrary to what one may guess it's about without further information though, it has very little to do with the other email he sent me. Instead, it concerns things that I've seen there before, and other things which he's said that link in with topics I wasn't prepared to talk about before (still may not be now), but consider myself a part of. I used to think that the entire area was the one thing I really was secure about. Now I realize that I'm secure in my identity, but beyond that, get just as worked up when I see other people sharing certain interests that I have as well, but which I previously thought weren't fit to be shared. Does that help any? The specific word starts with "s", and suffice it to say I went into a lot more detail in that draft, but I think that says about enough in here. I really just need to find a middle ground, where I can be open with everything (not just the items alluded to above) enough to feel secure and confident, but without crossing the line that I did before, of sharing specific details. Then again, maybe I'm just at the point where things with Dan have become comfortable, and I want a change. It could go that I am able to open up a bit more, only to get used to that, and go back to keeping things to myself in order to not feel the same bored / comfortable feeling again. As a "then again" to that, however, I'm probably just getting ahead of myself. Even if I sent that email and Dan responded, it would take quite a bit of effort to read his reply, and I might never write one of my own. Also, he hasn't been online in at least five days. That could be a factor too.

As for other things, I'm looking forward to coming home from work and starting on my monthly backups tonight, but that's basically it. In spite of my hoping the opposite would be true, nothing came in the mail today (or the mail just hasn't been delivered yet, but that seems unlikely), and I'm probably going to get tired sooner rather than later, because I got an hour less sleep than I should've, but... oh well. I still have about three hours to get started on other things, so I shall do that, and for the first time in pretty much the entire weekend be able to go to work without feeling as if I've done nothing with my afternoon. Reading scary stories counts, technically, but that isn't nearly enough~

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