Karadur Inacu  (karadur) wrote,
Karadur Inacu 

A New Kind of Problem

I'm not really sure why I'm writing this in Google Chrome. I logged in with it to save the new header images, but let's just continue with this, as if I try to switch to Palemoon, I'm liable to not be able to continue.

At this exact moment, I'm in a pretty poor mood. With myself, of course, but the main issue goes something like this. While I was washing dishes, Squeeze invited me to watch a live stream of her doing a free drawing for somebody. I declined, because I did the same when she asked once before, and she didn't seem to mind then, but this time, in spite of saying "No worries", still provided a link, and put me in an awkward position. Comparing how I want to be versus how I am, I want to be able to watch those sorts of things without being inundated with anxiety, because things going poorly with that other friend before is no indication that they would always go that way. When it comes to how I am, on the other hand, I want nothing to do with that, hence the conflict. It is / was a free picture too, so I kind of want to ask if I could have one, but I'm not that sort of person either. Meanwhile, if I don't ask, she's likely to think that I just don't care for that sort of stuff whilst I actually do, and I'm just going to go back to being frustrated with myself for having been in a way that made things turn out like they did before. I even closed Skype about half an hour ago, quite honestly in hopes of her noticing and being concerned, but even that's petty. All I'd be watching is somebody draw a picture. Is that so bad? No. I would like very much to take back what I said before and go watch it, just to be over this, but the mess I've made already could be quite difficult to properly clean up. I will probably sign back into Skype once I'm done writing this, and try to say a couple things that I am comfortable with there. For one, that next time she's drawing a picture and chooses to stream the process, I would be interested in watching for as long as I can manage, and for two, in spite of my apparent disinterest toward that sleepy snow leopard icon she made for me, I do appreciate the gesture, and would really love / be grateful for anything else of the art variety that she wanted to make for me.

Also, in a similar but also different direction, I've been working through something of the same sort regarding Totts for the most part for the past couple days. A little while ago, Squeeze linked me to a gallery on Furaffinity that was for pictures she'd commissioned / received from other people. I noticed Totts' signature on one of them, and immediately jumped to the conclusion that I should be able to expect art from her at some point as well. To feel that way is wrong for several reasons though, so I've been going back and forth trying to find some way to get over it. For one, I already have free art from her - the sketch that was dropped off here. For two, Squeeze said that she was thinking of "doodling me", but didn't know anything of my fursona (notwithstanding that I don't really think I have one), so Totts could be in the same position. For three, being friends with somebody doesn't mean I'm automatically entitled to a share of whatever they do for free, and four, I just shouldn't see friends in terms of what I can get from them. I like to think I'm mostly over that now, same as I'm slowly getting over the conclusion that Totts still doesn't really talk to me because she can't be bothered, but it's complicated. Hell, when I told Squeeze last night that there was something else on my mind (which I've just described here), but which I didn't want to tell her right away, she jumped to guessing that it was something related to her not having invited me over yet, or not being available to do something for my birthday. I may not be entirely over those, but for the most part, they don't bother me anymore. As with all things, that could change at a moment's notice, but it's just too much of a mess to elaborate on further.

As for the rest of the day, I found and purchased that pink leopard-spotted throw from Walmart today, so I have all three now which I'm pleased with, but that's really about it. I'm not going anywhere for snacks later, because I still have more than enough here, but I don't want to spend the rest of the night pouting, so I might as well try to get on with other things. As of earlier this evening, I'm keeping a running list of things to work on whenever I'm bored, but I know what I most want to do right now. Put an end to this rambling incoherency, and go open Skype again. Then I can work on one of the items in my list, and go to bed knowing I've done something with my night. Seems like a good idea so far~

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