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Not the Best Sleep

I wish I could remember what happened this morning. It was a few minutes after 6:30 when I finally laid down, and just before I did so, Squeeze told me in Skype that she'd send me a quick email or message in there to let me know that things were done, after she'd dealt with a long-coming issue at some point later in the morning. Had I been able to stay awake, I would've, but I just couldn't, making the first part of sleeping a rather scattered affair. I don't know that I ever fully fell asleep, but what I do remember (vaguely) is tossing and turning, and repeatedly waking up to check my laptop while still in a half-asleep state, and not really knowing what I was doing. Eventually, I fell asleep but was still awake enough to remember what was going on / what I was expecting, while being asleep enough to have a dream that things had come to be further along. I saw her standing out on the sidewalk on front of our house, standing, looking at it, as if she was waiting for me, and awoke with a massive, worried "Ohh!", with the feeling that I'd forgotten about her. I then proceeded to actually get up, still somewhat asleep, intending to get dressed so I could go out and apologize, before I remembered what was actually going on, and checked my laptop. It was pushed somewhat off the board I keep it on - clearly a remnant of something else that happened after I laid down - and when I opened it and checked Skype, I found a message from her, beginning with the following: "Just letting you know it's done, went way better then expected but...". The curious thing? Her message came at 10:31. I had that dream and woke up to eventually check on things at ~10:45. Maybe it's nothing more than a coincidence, but as she said, "Also, it's quite crazy that you felt something had changed shortly after I messaged you..". It is indeed...

After that, I laid down for what ended up being much better, non-stressful sleep, and was out until 3pm. I suppose that's acceptable, considering I probably didn't nod off until ~7, but these are some interesting days right now. Just yesterday, I was worked up about not being able to watch her stream things as other people could, and while that hasn't yet been solved, it's nowhere near as important today. I really wish I knew why I couldn't do that. My best theories are that it has to do with not being in control, and / or not knowing exactly what to expect, but I am genuinely serious when I say it's something I have problems with doing. I told her about how the first time I went to London, Cooper drew up the sketch for the first picture I commissioned from her at the furmeet, and instead of being interested and watching, as a normal person might be, I glanced around the room nervously and anxiously, and when she asked if it looked alright, I looked at the picture for less than a full second before saying "It looks good to me" or somesuch. That said though, it's not limited to art. We (Squeeze and I) have StepMania as a shared interest, but as innocuous as that may be, I wouldn't want to watch her stream playing some song. I discovered Bandicam as a reliable way of recording my own gameplay movies last night, and did that - there's a video of me playing snow05 on Heavy here. She tried to do the same, but couldn't, because her computer wasn't powerful enough, but assuming it had been, I would've been fine with watching a video. There's just something about streaming and it being realtime that I simply... do not want anything to do with. On a loosely related note, apparently it is "adorable" that I covered my eyes and peeked through my fingers at a couple sketches she showed me. Mixed messages are fun (in a way that I don't mind, in this case), but it's still frustrating. If I'm going to continue to refuse to watch streamed things, I'd like to be able to offer an explanation for why, but as yet, all I can come up with is that doing so incites great anxiety in me, which isn't much of an explanation.

I talked with Dan for a bit earlier as well, first about cats, and then about some things related to work. I don't know if he actually wanted to talk about something, or just wanted to chat, but there was that, then he went off for a nap, so now I'm sitting here writing this, waiting for it to be 7:00 again. There are a couple things I could do with my time that aren't on my list, which I'll do after this, but I'd like to find more to mention than just things related to talking to Squeeze, for the most part. I'm looking forward to asking Tom how his cookie pizza was at work later, but Laura is the closing manager for the next three nights, so I'm not sure I could say the same of anything else. If it were Saturday already, I might be able to expect to go home early again, but no, it's only Friday, so even if it's not busy, I will have several extra cleaning tasks to occupy myself with. There would be no great advantage to being done at midnight either. Sure, I have more time at home, but if I don't have anything specific to do at home, I might as well spend that time at work and make a bit of extra money. I think that's all for now though, because I still haven't come up with anything else to say. Let's go see what else there is to do~

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