Karadur Inacu  (karadur) wrote,
Karadur Inacu 

More Things to Sort Out

...of all the things I didn't expect to be talking about at ~7 in the morning. I just talked to Squeeze for a good hour and a half, if not more, and things were going well at first. I asked how her day had gone, because it's the first one where she's had no real responsibilities in a little while, and after some other things, she mentioned that she was watching an episode of Whose Line is it Anyway. Then she mentioned another show that she was somewhat interested in, so I found a torrent for the first episode for her, which was followed by her mentioning another show, which she'd apparently already seen the first episode of. I figured the next logical step was to see if Wikipedia had an episode list, and indeed it did, but the synopsis for one of the episodes turned decidedly personal (which is quite a contradiction, considering how I think I feel the rest of the time), and it all fell apart from there. I had to have spent almost an hour thinking back through my experiences with fursuits - envying Deoge's leading to wanting one of my own, to meeting a certain other friend at MFF, and eventually having fursuit-related problems with him too - only to quickly find myself past the point where I could maintain my coherency, and suffice it to say, things degraded somewhat from there. I told her that I didn't appreciate her saying I'd probably like a leopard-spotted scarf she had, only to say what I thought was that she'd cut pieces from it to put on some gloves she had, because it was bothering me at work tonight but I couldn't figure out why, and thought that if I told her, it would at least not be on my mind when I went to bed. She quickly corrected me, saying that she was sorry either way, but that she'd actually only cut the fingertips off the gloves, and the scarf was untouched, and I still don't know where I was going after that. I told her about how I bought a tail on Furbid which turned out to be not very great, so I opened it up, took the stuffing out, and cut a piece to use as the cover for my laptop, which by the same reasoning as the scarf should upset me more, but didn't bother me much at all, past the initial telling myself that I wasn't going to wear it, and didn't want to keep it with the rest of my tails because it was so horrid, so all that mattered was it being put to use. I have one theory, which fits in with other things that have happened before as well, but it's a private matter, and is thus very hard to talk about even in here.

As for the fursuit thing, I just don't know. Last time I remember saying anything about them, my stance was that they were unnecessary, for two reasons. The first is that I don't want / I don't feel the need to hide behind that sort of thing, and the second is that to wear one would be like saying "I am only this creature for as long as I wear the suit. Once I take it off, I go back to being my same boring self". I'm aware of the critical flaw in that reasoning already - fursuits can be an interest / hobby - a person can wear one without feeling like it adds to who they are - but thus far, that's been my take on them. The thing about the show is just knowing of it makes me feel really anxious. Why should I feel singled out because an episode of a show has something to do with a topic that I put on as if I'm not really interested in? Is it because that person got more attention than I do? Maybe, but that's not likely. Is it that they're secure about doing something which I still have issues with? Yes, and that merits additional consideration, but it's also where I lost my concentration tonight. I've been referring to that friend I met at MFF as Mike in conversations with Squeeze, so I might as well do the same here, but is Mike to blame for the way I feel about fursuits, or is that just a backward way of thinking gradually built up by years of telling myself that I feel differently than I actually do to manage insecurity? Maybe it's because I still value weirdness (albeit in more of a passive way), and I've learned of somebody that, without further research, out-weirds me. Whatever the case, it's annoying. It doesn't bother me right now that Squeeze said she watched that episode before, and the person featured seemed pretty cool, and presumably not particularly weird, but tomorrow? Oh, probably yes. I hate being like this. I want to run away and hide and be as angry as I please until this passes, but at the same time, I don't want to be that sort of person, so already I'm suppressing the way I feel again. As I told Squeeze, I left myself a note in Notepad before I went to bed last night about something unrelated, which fits well here too: if it doesn't concern me, why should I be concerned by it? If furries don't concern me, why should I be concerned by them? Because I still wouldn't want to watch that episode of that show, meaning I'm not secure in that decision, and ultimately that there must still be an inconsistency somewhere. I wish I could go over to Squeeze's place right now, or up to Toronto to be with Dan, and have however long I need without interruption to try and figure this out. I came to feel insecure about myself when I was a member at Dragon-Realms, wasn't particularly insecure over anything (that I can recall) while I was a member at Acmlm's Board, but that got shut down, and after a time, I discovered / re-discovered / took on as an actual interest the furry fandom. Looking back, I blamed alot of the problems I had before on furries / the fandom in general, but it stands to reason now that what I was actually experiencing was insecurity, so what happened then? I remember going to the furmeet in London with Squnq, which I had fun at, but after that? I just can't remember right now. I want to say that I'm really strongly starting to believe that going and keeping pretty much exclusively to myself was an incredibly stupid idea, no matter how well-intentioned it was at the time, because having things in common with people is the first step to validation, and having validation is directly related to not being insecure.

As it goes though, it's now about quarter to 9 in the morning, which is just... wrong. On top of everything else, I'm getting to bed late, and I haven't replied to Dan yet, and I'm thirsty, and hot because it's too warm outside, and... just too much. The first step after turning my fan on and getting rid of a blanket is just going to bed though, so hopefully I've gotten enough off my mind through writing this that I can have a sound sleep. Tomorrow should be fun, however. There's nothing quite like waking up and remembering all the things one was thinking about the previous night. Perhaps that's pessimistic of me to say, but that's what comes of being irritated. As before, hopefully I'm able to get a good sleep~

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