Karadur Inacu  (karadur) wrote,
Karadur Inacu 

Now We Have a Problem

Same as always, I went over to Squeeze's place for a fair few hours last night. Was fun at first, but eventually, certain thoughts started to creep in. For as much as I think of Totts and Evo as friends, I'm tired of seeing them there all the time. All Evo ever does is things on his laptop, while Totts generally just sleeps. Last night was especially fun, as I learned from Squeeze just earlier this afternoon that they'd been there for nearly 24 hours. Oh, sure, they stayed to take care of her son while she went out to get groceries and run other errands, but do you people not have lives? It's virtually guaranteed that after some sleep, they'll be right back over there again. I've written in here before about how I prefer to just hang out with Squeeze alone, but at the rate things are going, even if I do start asking "Are Totts and Evo there?" / "Are they coming too?" after inquiring as to whether or not she's up for company, I won't be going over there very often. On one hand, it's selfish of me to feel that way - they had been going there well before I ever started, and I feel like I've already asked enough with regards to Squeeze smoking around me - but on the other, I genuinely will stop asking if she's up for company so regularly, if it means going and having to do the same things as last night. If it didn't sound so silly, I would even ask Squeeze about having one night a week where it would just be us. Still, though, I need to consider that things were presumably going well until I came along, and now I'm the one taking issue with this and that, so if anybody should stay at home, it ought to be me.

On a directly related note, I have half a mind to send Totts a pointed message in Skype right now. She pulled a picture out of her sketchbook last night to show to Squeeze and Evo - I caught enough of a glimpse to see that it was an anthropomorphic shark in a very... open position - but did I have a chance to properly look at it myself? Oh no, of course not. Thanks for the thought, Totts. Also nice of you to draw so much apparently free art for Squeeze, but never give any thought to other people. Notwithstanding that sketch, of course, but seriously. Do I have to clean out my Furaffinity account and start using it again in order to be entitled to these favors? I can't say I really resent her, but I definitely resent myself yet again for being so furry-insecure. Along somewhat similar lines, near the end of the night, Totts was up at Squeeze's computer, and Squeeze asked her to look up a certain picture in her favorites, because it was a "really nice" picture of a snow leopard. She did, and only well after the fact, when I asked if she wanted Totts to see it, or if it was actually intended for me, said it was intended for me, but just "forgot". I can't bear it against her, because she has apologized since, but yet again, thanks, everybody. That act is largely what has me in this state today. Last night, before I went to sleep, I was somewhat seriously starting to question whether or not I could continue to be friends with the lot of them, for seemingly not having much more than mutual friends in common. It has fortunately faded since then, but I'm sick of myself. I've had it up to here with being the sort of person other people have to walk on eggshells around, but I'm even more sick of being so insecure that I can't even properly express what sort of person I actually am. As it stands right now, I left Squeeze a message in Skype asking if she'd be up for company later, so long as I'm still done at midnight, but I just... don't... care enough anymore.

That's about all I have time to say on that topic for now, as I've been called in to work early tonight, but just before I get ready to go, a quick description of an annoying unrelated something that happened earlier. As I was walking up to the house on my way home, I noticed there weren't any vehicles in the driveway, when normally there's at least one. I shrugged it off, and went inside, locking both locks on the door in the process, as I usually do, followed by going upstairs and doing things on my laptop until I got tired. I don't know how long I was asleep for, but suddenly, I was jarred awake by somebody shouting my name. I sounded like Mom, but it didn't sound like it was coming from inside the house either. I quickly realized she was outside, so I shouted "What!?" out my window, and was informed that she and Naomi couldn't get in, because I'd locked the chain lock as well. Cue wrapping a blanket around myself and rushing downstairs in an angry huff, then shouting "Really!?" at Naomi when she came in. It's my fault, yes, but on top of what was already on my mind, it was extremely jarring. I laid in bed feeling my heart race for what felt like a good 20 minutes, and did eventually fall asleep again, but even then, I'd hesitate to call it an adequate sleep.

As it goes though, I have to head off to work now, which ought to be an interesting night. All I want is to sit here and feel sorry for myself until I come up with some way to proceed, but that's not going to happen today. Let's just go see what work has in store...

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