Karadur Inacu  (karadur) wrote,
Karadur Inacu 

...because I feel like I need to say something in here...

There truly are no words to describe how I feel right now. The feelings I thought I had toward Squeeze were untrue. I told her as much. Apparently we both still want to be friends, which I really hope comes through, but for right now, everything is pretty difficult, and it tears me up inside to know what I caused. At least one person has had what I believe is a crush on me before, but never in my life has the word "love" come up in a truly romantic sense, and now I feel like I've just thrown that to the ground and stomped my foot on it. For a brief moment - probably while I was with her on Sunday / talking at some point shortly after that, I genuinely could've seen myself saying "I love you, Squeeze". Then, however, everything turned into a painful ball of uncertainty, when I started to question why I could no longer remember the way I felt toward her at this time last weekend, and how I was pretty uncomfortable with the idea of still wanting time to myself even though that should've been overruled by wanting to spend time with her.

I'm supposed to go to work tonight, and for the next four days on top of it, and I imagine Manoah will be able to tell enough from the way I look and sound that it'll make it easier to say "We're no longer seeing each other", but what the hell do I do about this continuing to care for her and wanting her to be happy? The fact that I'm the one who made her unhappy is going to take a fair bit of getting used to, if nothing else, and even after that, I can't help the notion that continuing to be friends is going to interfere with her trying to push the way she felt about me out of her mind, which is something I quite reasonably feel utterly powerless to help with.

While we were out in Tilbury earlier, Mom observed that I looked tired, and somewhat surprisingly, I at least told her that there were things on my mind, but that I didn't want to talk about them right then and there. Then, while we were waiting for Naomi at Tim Hortons, she asked if I wanted to talk yet, and I said I didn't know what to say, if anything. She told me that if and when I did, she would be there to talk, so my plans for now are to wrap this up here, go tell her I at least have something for her to read that explains some of what's been going on. I wonder how that will go...

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