Karadur Inacu  (karadur) wrote,
Karadur Inacu 

One Night Too Many?

I seem to be using this phrase an awful lot these days, but part of me really wonders why I came here tonight. I would've liked to play a game or two with Squeeze again, and show her the videos I recorded throughout cleaning my room, as well as some old ones from work years ago. Instead of having the opportunity to do that though, she's sitting down on the floor making bead geckos for just about every member of her family, while Totts is at the computer listening to the same song over and over, and looking at pictures on Furaffinity, and Evo's next to me on the bed here, just doing his own thing as he always does. I really wonder if any of them will notice me laying here typing away to myself and ask what I'm doing? I almost feel like I would just go home now and get to sleep at an actually reasonable time, were it not for the chance that the two of them will leave before I do, and give Squeeze and I at least a bit of time on our own. Still though, that is... an issue on its own.

As before, I don't want to say more than I'm entitled to, but she's met somebody. He lives up in Windsor though, so they haven't actually *met* yet, but there's a fair chance when they do, they'll hit it off. Good for them, of course. What I want most is to see her happy, and I provisionally accept that there may difficulties for me to overcome related to that, but when it came up last night, the first thing I realized was that I'd never before considered that one day, we *will* - not even *may* - not be as close as we are now. Hell, I even caught myself thinking the same thing as before earlier - that I've enjoyed our conversations in Skype so much the past couple days that I have what I consider feelings for her. Maybe they're more genuine based on what I wrote in my previous (protected) entry, but I *cannot* allow myself to do that again. I know for a fact I will miss her in that way even if things with her current beau don't work out, and... I never remotely suspected that I'd have this getting used to to do. Hopefully we can remain close to the sort of friends we are now in spite of that, but... here's just a random related thing. I was here last night, and it was just her and I. One of the things I wanted to do / wanted her help with was fixing one of the belt loops on my tail, because it had started to come loose. Problem is, I had / still have very little sewing ability, hence asking for her help. So she helped, but even with that, I managed to foul it up on some way that she described as cute. I tried not to read into it too much at the time, and then, when we got to talking before I went to bed back at home, she told me that she had meant it in *that* way, and I understood, based on her still having feelings for me. I feel like I've lost my train of thought now, but the main idea is that if Totts wasn't sitting at the computer, I'd send Squeeze a message in Skype to say "I could find your not knowing how to whistle cute too". I suppose it's not cute per se, but it's something I can definitely see myself teasing her about, and that actually would be.

...tangent aside, I know I still have more to say, so let's think here... I feel like even being here tonight is partly a mistake, because I'm still trying to go about things as they were before. They haven't actually changed yet, granted, but it would be inexcusable of me to put this off until later. What's worse, if I may? Accepting the fact now, and finding a way to deal with how I feel, or ignoring the inevitable fact, and not only being caught unawares, but being that much less able to talk to her about the way I feel? The thing is I don't really want to change. We talk about what I would consider to be some pretty personal things, such as certain sleeping habits just last night, but there are still things we don't talk about, and I think I would at least like to see how it feel s to tell a really close friend "I normally keep this to myself". I mean, when I was over here last night, she made a certain observation about something to do with the layout of her room that's never happened before - that a specific door was open. I turned to look, and all possible responses just drained from my head, as I remembered what she told me about the area behind that door before. At least I ended up noticing a little obscene Santa Claus figurine (fun phrase) in there, because commenting on that got a laugh, but I've wanted to say something since then, but I don't know if that would be too much, or how she would take it. I know I told her about the same area in my room though (it's a common thing to have in a bedroom), and when I was recording a video tonight to show her how my room looked before I cleaned and reorganized it, I brought the camera right up close to the door, as sort of a reference. It's not exactly related, but in a similar way, she sent me a picture she had commissioned before that she hasn't directly sent to too many people. Instead of reciprocating with one of my own though, I sent her a general picture, and kind of regret it now, because I don't know when the next opportunity to share pictures like that - if there will be another one - will arise. Something was mentioned before about letting each other have a look at our respective folders, but I'd like much more to be able to respond / comment in text.

I didn't want to end this entry in such a way either, but in the interest of transparency, I've no been home from Squeeze's place for a good hour and a half. I have to get up earlier than I'd like to go to Heart and Stroke again tomorrow, and the other thing I was going to say about the term "best friends" seems less relevant the more I realize that whatever happens, we'll always be friends. I mean, she told me either last night around this time or earlier this afternoon that I am one of the only two people she calls a best friend, and the other is a friend she's known since childhood. Yet we've known each other for only about six months. I just put it into words there, so I can't quite claim that I'm unable to describe how much that means to me, but with my fatigue, the best I can say is that it's not something I will forget.

Apart from that, I'm off to bed. At least as soon as Squeeze and I can manage to leave each other alone for long enough for me to lay down <3

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