Karadur Inacu  (karadur) wrote,
Karadur Inacu 

This is More Important

By all rights, I should be in the bathroom having a shower to get ready for later right now, but I just... really feel like I need some time to step back and observe the way I feel, because if nothing else, it's pretty noteworthy once again. When I got from from work last night, I got to talking to Squeeze about various things, as expected, and eventually the point came where I wanted to keep talking, but also wanted to just lay down in bed, so I asked if she'd be up for having a voice chat. She said yes, but that she didn't know how much she'd have to say, and I offered that I might not have much to say either, so we should keep in mind from the beginning that if the conversation tapered off quickly than the other ones we've had in that way have, it was due just to that fact, and nothing more. For the record, I'd say we started talking around 3am. It was nearly another five hours before we wrapped things up and told each other to have a good sleep, and I'm really surprised at that. Feelings were obviously a large part of the conversation - she was on my mind in ways both good and bad at work last night, which led to talking about many other related things, with the main theme being that on some level, I kind of must still have *those* sorts of feelings for her, but I either don't realize what they are, or am still too put off by what happened before to give them serious consideration again. The topic of cuddling definitely came up too, and I was surprised to learn that we both would still like to do that, if only the the same sorts of feelings as mentioned above were still present for me. I mean, I think about that some, and all I can really do is sigh and really wonder what's going on in my head. If I think about cuddling with her again, I want to do that. If I think about cuddling with the closest friend I have other than her - Dan - however, I'd rather just stick to laying in bed together and having something to talk about. Along somewhat similar lines, I proposed an interesting but also frightening idea to her that would help me get a good, accurate idea of where my feelings for her - as just a friend, or as more than just a friend - lie: go to Toronto / Oshawa in May, and see if they change once I start doing things with Dan again. It scares me to think that they might though, but in the exact same way as I told her last night, when I was there in February, I told Dan somewhat offhandedly that were the circumstances different, I could honestly see being more than just friends with Squeeze, which has to stand for something. As she quite appropriately said a couple times, love (to use that word) is complicated.

In a similar but unrelated direction, I wrote about some pretty vague but still specific things in my entry yesterday. As expected, she read that entry, but the couple times I brought up other parts of it, she didn't say very much about that part, so I assumed it was just something she didn't want to talk about, and left it at that. That was not the case, however, or at least that's the only conclusion I can draw based on the last hour or so of our conversation. It started with her asking out of concern if part of the reason I was feeling conflicted over feelings didn't have to do with more personal interests, and I flat-out told her no, because that's never been part of those thoughts. I like the idea of telling her "This is one of the things I like", to be told that she likes the same thing, but that also seems pretty unlikely, and I don't know where to go with it. I was extremely, *extremely* close to telling her what the most obvious one of mine is - the same hint I gave her is that it's three letters long, and that's not a shortened form or anything - but in the end I still decided to backpedal a bit, to telling her to give me until tomorrow to think about it. I could, yes. I could easily say it right here and now, because the object isn't even something that's hidden in my closet, but in what I feel is a rather selfish way, I don't like the idea of starting talking about that only for it not to lead anywhere. It's not that I expect more to happen between us if we start sharing those sorts of interests, but I don't want it to be "This is something I like", only for it never to be brought up again. At any rate, we continued on from there into similar topics, and I once again told her something that I was previously absolutely positive I'd never share. I can't remember if I mentioned it in here, but there was a certain personal concern I had related to cuddling. It ended up coming up (I suppose that's a pun...) just as expected, but what I didn't expect was something more from the same that I've never had happen before. I ended up telling her what it was in a roundabout way, and she responded with just an "Oh... ohhh" of understanding, and it's not bad, but just, it did happen. I wish I could remember exactly how she led into saying it, because I know it made a difference, but possibly just because of the topics of conversation on a whole, she described feeling a certain way, and I got a smile out of that, just because... it felt right, I suppose. I also remember telling her about the way I felt upon coming home from cuddling the second time (rather charged up, to put it that way), and what that led to, which she didn't really react to in any significant way, but still added to the feelings of "So this conversation happened", that we both expressed a couple times then, and which I thought to myself quite literally each time I woke up before 3pm after that. Oh, and to top it all off, I once again in a roundabout way told her that when it came to doing things on my own, there were many, many different euphemisms, but I used a very specific one, and she essentially responded with "I can understand why you'd call it that", and, which I didn't understand until I actually thought about it "That's cute". I thought she was referring to my inability to come out and say it, but if the fact that I actually call it that is cute, well... I can honestly say I like that coming from her, but from anybody else, it might be different.

I should probably try to write about other things too here, right? I'm afraid all I really have time for is to say that I don't have time though. I'll be heading over to Squeeze's place around 4:30, because I've been invited to her mother's house along with the rest of her family for Easter dinner. I still need to have a shower, and shave, and collect my clothes from the dryer, and probably just ask for a ride over there, because I want to get a treat for everybody (everybody who will be at her place after dinner) from Tim Hortons. Can you guess why I'm delayed in getting to that as well? Yes indeed. Talking to Squeeze. Maybe there really is something more to the way I feel about her as such, but the longer I dwell on that now, the more pressed for time I'll be, so let's go get on with things. I still might have just enough time~

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