At any rate, I am trying to write a LiveJournal entry about unrelated things (take a guess at what that means...) today, but I can't say a whole lot comes to mind. Of eventual significance is that when I got home on Thursday night / Friday morning, I found a message in Skype from Dan, and we talked for a bit. He explained that he was considering either May 11th or June 1st for the next furmeet, then went on to add (in not so many words in here) that Xion was made to leave the apartment, so Dan will still be there when I next go to visit him. Interesting development as I see it, but I can't help but wonder if I still haven't gotten around to emailing Chris because other, more important things were on my mind, or if there was something else at work as far as preventing me from being able to concentrate on that goes. Regardless, I don't believe I'll be sending him an email now either way. I still don't know what's going on, and not having answers for myself will probably bother me for a little while yet, but between what Bungee told me while I was there last, and what Dan said only recently, it seems like a situation I don't want to get involved in. I also know I was going to say more - possibly on a different topic - but in the interest of saying what's most on my mind while I still have the time, let's switch over to something more related to things I wrote about yesterday.
Last night at work went fine at first. I was more or less able to keep focused on things there, but still had to take a few minutes to write things down as I thought of them, which didn't really seem to affect the night overall. After we closed, though, my mind started to wander, and unlike Squeeze's which seems to only venture into embarrassing topics, mine starts considering things that make me feel really anxious (in a bad way), and which all seem to point to the inevitable conclusion that if things between us start to develop again, they're just going to end up the same as before. As I told myself while I was crossing the bridge though (I clearly remember it being exactly then), I *need* to actually talk to people about the way I feel when I feel this way, because I can finally see that I've found a situation that I can't just muddle through to our mutual satisfaction - like I told Squeeze while we were voice chatting on Wednesday night, I have *never* dealt with another person's emotions / emotions of my own on this level, so it's quite impossible to know exactly what's going on. On top of that, relationships have always been a topic that I haven't been able to give advice on, so how can I expect to advise myself? One thing that was really bothering me this afternoon is how for just a few moments, I was honestly more comfortable with the idea of just being friends with her, and accepting the fact that there was somebody out there that would end up being a better match for her than I. I remembered talking on Wednesday night, when she asked for my honest answer to the question that if her feelings weren't a part of it, would I want her to wait for me? I answered "Yes", which was something she brought up while we were talking more or less face to face on Thursday, and she said those little things made all the difference to her, just because of the way that I answered. Similarly, on Thursday, she asked if there had been any jealousy on my part when she first told me about Josh. Before she'd even finished asking the question, the word "Yes" with a nod was itching to come out of my mouth, because I don't want to miss that chance with her. If I try to apply it to the situation of being more comfortable being just friends with her, I could explain that as it being an easy and immediate way to do away with my feelings of uncertainty, but in the end, I know I don't really want that. As I remarked to myself once again while talking to myself about everything, I really do want to be more than friends with her, but even if that was official, there'd be a fair few other things to talk about first. For example, I wouldn't want every time that I go over there to eventually end up with us cuddling. It's nice, but at the same time, I'd want to feel the desire to do that / know that she wants to do it instead of just doing it because we're both there with nobody else around. Similarly, I need to find some way to get it through my head that even if that was official once again, I shouldn't be expected to change in terms of personality before. I honestly think I did before - thought that I should just only be cutesy, and couldn't be the same sort of person I used to be - but the simple fact of the matter is that she likes me for who I am now, and I like her in the same way, so if one or both of us change, things from there wouldn't be based on what brought us together in the first place. Also, of related but still kind of random interest at the end here, I came home sincerely expecting to be in a bad mood because of the way I felt for the next couple days, but I made an attempt at talking to her about more general things, and even noted that I'd ask if we could have another voice chat to make it easier to talk, but that I wasn't really in the mood for one then, and hadn't even been in the mood to talk at first (but didn't go into detail), but that since actually finding other things to talk about, I had come to feel almost completely changed from how I had been feeling. Perhaps also of random interest here is that plans for Easter came up at work last night, and when Tryphena asked what mine were / what our family had planned, I explained having been to dinner on Thursday, specifically asking if Manoah had told her anything about Squeeze (but using her real name, since that's what Manoah knows her by), because then she would know how I was talking about. Unsurprisingly, she said that he hadn't, but then wouldn't leave me alone about Squeeze being just a friend, or a *friend*. I definitely believe it means something about the way I feel (keeping in mind the uncertainty) that I told her "I'll just leave that there for tonight", and went back to drive through to give a customer their order or something. Do I see Squeeze as a *friend*? In some ways, yes, but I tried to run with that before, and it didn't go over very well. Taking it slow could be what I need though, so that's exactly what I'm trying this time.
...quite a paragraph there, isn't it? Contrary to what I expected, it's only quarter to 7 as well, but I think instead of still leaving early for work, I'll watch the next part of this Banjo-Tooie Let's Play on Youtube, and try to make some sense of my desktop. I might not get to it until Monday / Tuesday this week, but either way, they're coming quickly~