To start out with the bad before the good, in spite of everything that happened yesterday, I still feel pretty uncertain. I think my main problem is having to recognize that the way I feel toward her is not just the way I'd feel toward a friend. There's a part of my thought process that keeps coming back to that, and every time it does, it leaves me with an indescribable emptiness. It's not that I don't feel that way, but like I told her previously, when I imagine those sorts of feelings, I imagine something that I'll be able to recognize when I feel them. Apart from that, we have a mutual issue of how we both start to wonder about the viability of this when we're apart. I've considered several times on my own that maybe it would be better to just be close friends, since it'd be easier on both of us, but I feel like if that were to be the case, we'd lose the closeness we have now, and I don't want that to happen. Third and final (I believe) is / are my own personal issues in regards to level of comfort. Like I described to her yesterday, one of the problems I noticed just recently was that within a day or two of being more than friends again this time, I was already expecting things to be more than they were. I was expecting some difference in the way I thought / felt about her, and the situation in general, but when that didn't come, conflicting feelings jumped right in and did a number on me. As well, I need to find some balance in the way we interact that I am comfortable with. Today, for example, were it not for work later, I wouldn't mind just having a casual conversation with her and otherwise taking the night to reflect on yesterday. I need time to myself too, but as with uncertainty about feelings above, if I try to take that time, it's usually instantly clouded by thoughts of whether or not this is right / sustainable, because I'm not with her. Clearly I still have things to work out, but that isn't all I wanted to write about.
On the better side now, well... I think I could be here for a while. Back on Wednesday night, we got to talking, and agreed that come Thursday, thanks to her mom offering to take Conner for the day, we'd meet up at the mall, and go hang out / whatnot from there. I somehow made it to the mall before her, and things certainly did go after that. We went to Dollarama, because I wanted energy drinks, but I also ended up getting some cotton candy, a bunch of paw-shaped suckers, and a bottle of juice, while I believe she just got a bottle of pop and a bottle cleaning brush. On our way out, we ran into Patrick - somebody I knew from high school, and somebody she knew from being friends before, and proceeded to talk for a bit, which turned into a while, and then we were finally off back home. We held hands, the entire way, which was nice, and upon getting back to the house, things got a little more interesting. She was promptly introduced to the cats, then to my family, which I felt was significant, then we went up to my room, and... things happened. At first I thought we might just sit / lay there talking, but we ended up getting right into cuddling, and she kissed me. Not just on the cheek, which wouldn't have come as as a surprise, but right on the lips, which was... something. I was an interesting feeling - soft, in a way - and I recall being genuinely surprised for just a few moments, before realizing what had happened, and presumably getting a big smile on my face. She remarked that my first kiss had been in my bed, and I can't remember what I said, but things just went off from there. We cuddled / snuggled for a while longer - far longer than either of us expected, for what it's worth - and I used my camera to both take a picture of us kissing, and record a movie of us kissing / tickling each other / generally being cutesy, and by the time that was done, it was ~10pm. Did I mention that we got back to my house around 7:30? Yeah. By that point, everybody else had gone to bed (although that reminds me of how mom kindly came pretty much into my room to tell her that she (Squeeze) could call both her and dad by their real names), and I think we were both feeling pretty tired ourselves, but I packed my things up, and we went back to her place again.
Same as on the way there, we held hands for nearly the entire time, and I got to see a slightly different route I could take next time I go there, and when we got back, well... more things happened. I was comfortable enough laying on her bed that I could've fallen asleep right there, but along the way, we'd gotten to discussing how we were hungry, and she suggested that if I wanted, she could ask her mom if she would run us out to McDonalds once she got back from being out for the day. I half seriously suggested going to Taco Bell instead, but figured McDonalds would be better, and I think from there, we just laid and cuddled until the phone rang. At some point before that, I observed that if she actually laid down up against / on me as she was planning to, the phone would ring shortly afterward, and indeed, it did. Up we got and off we went though, for my first visit to the place (at least through the drive through) in quite a while. I was given a bit of a hard time over taking her seat, but food was obtained anyway, and we went back to her place again after that. We obviously ate first, while watching episodes of Family Guy, then went right back to cuddling again. Noticing a theme here? We've been meaning to have a night of actually playing games / doing the sorts of things we used to do for the better part of this week now, but the other thing always seems to just be easier. At some point during that, I fell asleep, and I know as much, because I woke up unable to remember what had happened for that period of time, then I suggested Forrest Gump be put on, because I copied it to my external drive for us to watch some weeks ago, and... suffice it to say, it's a long movie. We watched through at least half of it without moving a whole lot from the positions we were in, but eventually my back became too sore, so I rolled over onto my stomach, and she proceeded to massage my back. It felt nice, but I also noticed I felt sweaty, which really makes me wonder what it's going to be like in the coming months. The details from there are a little more hazy, because by that point, I was pretty much resigned to tiredness, but I recall turning slightly, so we were both facing the same direction, and backing up / having her come forward a bit so we were effectively snuggling again, and then just laid there, until I'm pretty sure I fell asleep. When I woke up, it was quarter to 7 in the morning, and I got a little bit anxious over that fact, because I knew I didn't know how long I'd been sleeping for, and also knew I had to leave, but didn't really want to. Somewhat fittingly, I think I was there for close to another hour with being in and out of the bathroom, getting my things packed up, and giving her a goodbye hug, but after all of that, I was off to what ended up being a reasonably nice walk home, but less fun circumstances upon getting home. For one, I put too much salt on my food from McDonalds, and didn't drink nearly enough water throughout the night to balance that out. For two, an entire evening and night of cuddling / snuggling left me with a distinctly unpleasant situation in my lower quarters, but to put it that way, I believe I dealt with that satisfactorily, even though it hurt more immediately after the fact. Fun details, yes?
Since then, I've talked to her for just a bit today, and will be leaving for work right after this, to what should be a fun shift due to having slept 'til 5, but I'll find some way to deal with that. If nothing else, I'll just make a point to actually go to bed at 6 regardless of whatever actually happens when I get home, and try to continue that from there. The unfamiliarity with being up so early nowadays could also be part of my problem. I like to be, because it's always because I'm talking to / spending time with her, but having one's sleeping schedule thrown off is also slightly distressing, in a way. If that works though, I'll know by this time next week, and if it doesn't, I'll work something out. I hope work tonight isn't too busy...