Karadur Inacu  (karadur) wrote,
Karadur Inacu 

Too Much Going On

I would be lying if I said yesterday night at work wasn't difficult again. It wasn't really even busy until ~12:30, and there wasn't a great rush at the end of the night after that, but when your mind is off in places it probably shouldn't be, it's hard to stay focused. The absolute worst of it was recalling something Squeeze told me while we had been talking before I left - that she was to the point of almost having a mini-breakdown. What confuses me about such things though is that both her and Mom believe that I shouldn't feel responsible for making her feel that way. She emphasized that it happened because I was honest with her, and I shouldn't feel directly at fault as such, but I just don't understand. Trying to come to an understanding on that is what led to us having a comparatively short voice chat, and the most I've come away that from with is the notion that maybe she / Mom meant that I shouldn't feel responsible for making her feel better. As far as her feeling bad in the first place goes though, the only conclusion I can draw is that if I said or did whatever made her feel bad initially, I am responsible for making her feel that way.

On the other side of that, the thought that made me feel most hopeful was something Mom suggested while we were talking earlier in the afternoon - that we take things one day at a time. I'm not sure how much of a difference that'll make for her, but for me, I hope it will help to calm down / level me out a bit, because along with taking things one day at a time comes taking time each day to discuss how we feel. For example, were she not busy helping Evo with some things today, I would tell her that I'm feeling the same sort of feelings-based numbness that I was before. It sounds a little convoluted to say, but the more I try to remember what feelings I had / have for her, the more difficult it is to recall anything. I know they're there, because I have to think that I would otherwise be significantly more conflicted about even going to cuddle with her, but not being able to remember isn't a nice feeling.

In an interesting turn of events now though, Evo was over at her place yesterday night. He had some pretty serious things to talk about himself, but she also took the opportunity to presumably just tell him about us, if not what's been going on as well, which I was glad to hear. Sure, it's not the best way to tell somebody "We've been seeing each other, but I'm glad he knows. The interesting part about it though was his apparent reaction. In not so many words "It's about time!", and something to the effect of chemistry between us (she and I, that is), which just makes me smile in a silly way to think about. I thought a big deal would be made of it, because she previously told me about the way he and Totts went after her about us getting together back when we first met, and... yeah. I feel like I lost my train of thought partway through that sentence there, but I'll be going over there after work tonight to see her, and he'll be there too. Totts is another story, and that's all I'm going to say about her, but I'm actually more comfortable with the idea of there being three of us there. It's not that I'm scared or overly anxious about the idea of it just being her and I again, but if things are to change from us taking it one day at a time, I'd rather go into this by doing and talking about things that I'm comfortable doing / talking about in front of somebody I don't feel as close to. I'm also toying with the idea of giving Evo a hug when I first get there, because that would go back to something that came up last night, but... we'll see.

Is there anything else I could say now? There's an entirely different topic that came up last night that I'm trying not to mention, because it doesn't directly concern me, or Squeeze, for that matter. She said it's been coming for a while though, which makes me think I shouldn't be so surprised, but I am. Of the two people who are involved, I never would've known one could be so different, which is apparently a large part of (if not the main reason) things are where they are now, but since I don't want to be any more specific, let's have one last thing that is the reason this entry took until after 7pm to finish. The following is a transcript of a part of the voice chat we had last night, because it really stands out to me.

Squeeze: Like... I honestly feel like knowing you has made me a better person
Karadur: I... I almost teared up hearing that
Squeeze: ...I mean it though. Like even Will, I was talking to Will about shit, and the way he worded it is "you help me be the person I want to be". I don't know how to describe it... it's just like...
Squeeze: ...and like even something that stands out to me in my mind more than anything is... the fact that because of you I am over Alec, I thought I would never be over Alec, I thought that was gonna be a lifelong curse and you ended that so thank you!~
[we both start to get emotional]
Squeeze: ...fuck...
Karadur: Don't... don't worry about it. Well, what you just said, that single word you said anyway
Squeeze: ...I mean it though! I thought I was gonna be cursed with that forever... so even if this doesn't work out I'll always appreciate that
Karadur: I wish I could just give... Well I know what you... I'm sure you know what I wish I could do right now...
Karadur: I... I would never have known that... that I had that impact on you
Squeeze: Like I can't tell you how much it means to me. Like I...
Karadur: You don't have to tell me how much it means to me if... if it helps like... just you saying that, it's not something that I ever expected to hear
Squeeze: ...like I mean it though, I thought I would never get over him, I thought it would be a curse for life, but...
Squeeze: I just thought of something pretty fuckin' funny though
Karadur: Oh... okay...
Squeeze: Well, it was just really... it's funny to me, anyway, but... Will and Brittney ran into Alec the other day on their way here and I guess they were with Nic who was my first boyfriend ever, and apparently Nic and Alec are dating, so two of my ex-boyfriends are seeing each other...
Karadur: Oh, wow...
Squeeze: My mom made the joke, "yeah, they had to see each other because they know they'll never find another woman like you" or something
[we both laugh]
Karadur: Oh, wow~...
Squeeze: But... yeah, like I seriously never thought I would be over him. Like every time I've ever seen him I've hung my head in shame and avoided eye contact, like... I couldn't look at him but... just the day in my mom's car, I seen him, I made eye contact, I... I... you know what I mean? Like I just...
Karadur: It didn't matter anymore?
Squeeze: I didn't, I didn't care what he thought. I didn't care what he thought, and that means the world to me. I can't even tell you how much that means to me, and it's because you were there, it's because it's... it's because of you!
Karadur: ...I wish I was there right now <3
[things that don't directly concern us]
Squeeze: I can't even tell you, it blows my mind that I'm over him, that I can think about him and not feel sad, and not... not feel bad that Conner doesn't have a dad anymore. I don't feel bad about that anymore! That's... such a great feeling! Like... I feel confident enough in myself now that I can be the mom and the dad... I guess... I dunno...
[I laugh at the mental image]
Karadur: Oh... I'm sorry for laughing...
Squeeze: I know... it sounds weird, but like I... I don't expect anybody to step up and be his dad. I don't. If his own biological father can't do that, how can I expect anybody else in the world to do that? But like, if anybody ever did do that, it would mean more to me than I can express

I would never have guessed, but to use the same words that she did, it means more than I can put into words to hear that. It's still alot to take in and fully comprehend with everything else on my mind, but that I had that effect on somebody really is a precious thing. With that said though, I need to head off to work now. As uncertain as I may feel emotionally, I really am looking forward to going over there after work again tonight, but there's work to be done first, so I just need to go there and get the night underway. Hopefully having more good things on my mind this time will be a help~

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