Karadur Inacu  (karadur) wrote,
Karadur Inacu 

The Title is Not Important

It's kind of a weird feeling being here (at Squeeze's place) tonight. Maybe that's just because it's been an odd day, but I really think I'm feeling differently than I did before, and I don't know what to make of it. Just... consider the following...

By the time I got to bed last night, it was almost 10am. I'd once again been with Squeeze until ~8:30am. Before I got up to leave, we had been talking about pretty much everything once again - from the private and interesting to public and bad. She got up to go for a smoke when I was getting ready to leave, and when I went out there, observed that she wasn't looking so well. The answer I got was that she hadn't expected to have an "entire life flashback", presumably based off things we had been talking about just before we noticed the time and I got up to get ready to leave, but I still asked if she felt alright to get up, because I wanted to give her the hug I hadn't been able to when we were having a voice chat the night before, and... that lasted for a fair while. It wasn't really one of *those* hugs in my mind, although my body thought otherwise, but it was the first time we've both been emotional in that way. I can't say I enjoyed it, because that's the wrong word to use, but I noticed the significance in her not hiding that from me. It very nearly directly contradicts something she told me a good few months ago, so I just... noticed.

As a result of the above, however, I slept for less time than I would've liked to. I woke up at about 4:30, which would've made for 6 and a half hours of sleep, and then no sooner had I started to wake up, but mom was knocking on my door saying there was somebody on the phone from work for me. I quite grumpily got out of bed, and had a terse conversation with Manoah wherein he told me that Patience had called in, and he'd tried calling everybody else, and if I couldn't / wouldn't come in early, he'd have to stay until 8 himself. I told him I'd just woken up a few minutes ago, but that I could be in for 6 instead, and yeah. From there, I went back into my room, and tried to send Squeeze a message about the way I felt right at the moment, but couldn't get the words out, and then just laid there trying to think about what I could do with my time. I knew I had to go shave, and I also kind of wanted to go find something to eat, but I also wanted to write a LiveJournal entry, as well as the continued hoping that Squeeze would be around right then so I could talk to her and feel a little bit better, but in the end, all I did was shave, and just laid there otherwise. Then came the ride to work, and... fun things from there.

First off, I wanted to go out to Dollar Tree first, because it's been quite a while since I've started wanting to go out there for more milkshakes, so off we went, and all the while my mind was still stuck on not having been able to talk to Squeeze, and how, for some reason, I liked more than anything else at that moment the idea of going home from work at the end of the night, putting pillows in my windows, turning off all other sources of extraneous light (aside from my laptop), and finding something completely distracting to busy myself with until I was able to figure out my feelings. I still kind of feel like doing that right now, but the I feel that the fact that I'm here with Squeeze and Evo (yes, just him) instead says something. I just don't know what's going on. One new thing I thought of doing tonight is writing about some of the more recurrent thoughts I've had in here. It would be a way to get them out, and with any luck, to move on from them as well. The only other thing I can think of related to that is how I wish (as needy as that sounds) that I had a friend who took an active interest in how / what *I've* been feeling. I know Squeeze would say it's ironic that I consider her the most likely friend I have to do that, but under the circumstances it's not something I think I can ask for.

...I'm going to stop being distracted now, because I've got one paragraph left (and you know what I'm talking about...). There's one thing from when I was here last night that still sticks out in my mind, in just an... interesting (less good there though) way. Squeeze was going through bags of old things in her living room, and in a small box, found an old bracelet / anklet. I wish I could recall her exact words, but what she said was something like "Cutting this off signified the end of Bobby", in reference to one of her past relationships. I continue to be surprised by how otherwise mundane objects can be so emotionally charged, even when they don't directly concern me. When she held it up, and explained what it meant, and I took the time to notice how old it looked, as well as the frayed ends, all I could feel was my heart drop and my mind start racing. To use the words I came up with on the way here that I really liked, it hurt me deeply. The idea that whether or not us being more than friends continues, I could one day upset her so badly that she'd want nothing to do with me. It's just... indescribable. The really weird thing about it though is how I could easily tell her right now. I'm sitting here on a chair at the foot of her bed, and my legs / feet are up resting on hers. There's nothing stopping me, but I don't want to, because I don't want her to feel obligated to apologize for something she had no control over, and which I didn't know would happen until it happened. It's just... weird.

At any rate, I don't plan to spend the entire night just sitting here writing this. I don't know if Evo will be leaving before I do, but if he does, I might like to talk to Squeeze some more, and if he doesn't... we'll see then. On a random note, I left Mary a note about having time off in May tonight as well, so hopefully I'm not too late to ask. As I remarked to Squeeze last night, this'll be the first time where I've had more than enough money, but not enough desire. I like to think I'll get there by the end of the week, but for the time being, it's just... different. That does seem to be the theme recently though~

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