Karadur Inacu  (karadur) wrote,
Karadur Inacu 

It's a Weird Feeling

What are some words that I could use to describe the way I feel right now? Anxious, obviously, but it's in kind of a strange way, which leads me to sadness, but at the same time, hopefulness as well. There's also a certain amount of annoyance toward how I have to work tonight, because ideally, I would want as much time as I need without distractions or obligations or anything else of the sort to write about the past four days. It started with the voice chat Squeeze and I had on Saturday night that made me uncomfortable, but turned into something entirely different by the end of last night. Keeping in mind that nothing related to any three letter words happened, we even showered together, and I enjoyed that. I was incredibly nervous at first, but then we got in, and I started doing my thing, albeit with different shampoo, and alot of the tension was quite figuratively just washed away. There was even one point where I was just standing under the shower head, directly facing her (entirely naked, mind you), and the sole thought on my mind was "This water feels so nice". She also more or less washed my back, which was unexpected but helpful, because I don't usually touch it, and that was more or less everything. I had to make a point of washing my bracelets, because they'd be in a difficult state right now if I hadn't done anything with them, and... yeah. I have to say writing about that has been a bit weird. I really wanted to at first, because of how significant it seemed, then I started getting caught up in the details - specifically, thinking about more than I feel is reasonable to say in here - and I felt incredibly anxious, then I got to thinking about other related things that were said / asked last night, and now I feel a strange calmness. It's better than anxiety, to be sure, but it also makes me really want to finish this and other things here in time to be able to go over to see her for a bit before work.

Getting back to other things though, it has just been a really interesting / enjoyable several days. Considering how things have gone in Toronto with regards to sleeping, I genuinely didn't believe I wouldn't have a problem with sleeping in bed with her. If nothing else, being that physically close to another person / feeling them constantly breathing on me would have to be annoying, yet you look at the past four days, and how last night, I had to cuddle one of my other body pillows in order to fall asleep, and the exact opposite seems to be the case. I really enjoy(ed) waking up in the morning with her next to me, and reaching over to give her a light squeeze (I actually capitalized that at first...) / hug, and to brush her face and hair. Also, as I remarked to her, when I'm sleeping on my own, I tend to pull the blanket up right over my head, and make a little opening in front of my face to breathe out of. When I first told her about / showed her that, she said she did the same, but guess what neither of us did? That's right, and it felt entirely right / normal. I think on that somewhat random note, this is going to be done here though, so I can go take care of the dishes before 6:00. I'm thinking that if I get those done quickly enough, I can head over there right after, and make the most of my time. Now if I could just feel slightly more awake...

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