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Am I Being Selfish?

I have to say I'm kind of annoyed with myself for the past couple days. I don't like missing days in here, and yet look - another two have gone by. Truth be told, I can't think of a whole lot to say about Tuesday / Wednesday, other than working on my backups, but yesterday did bring an interesting series of events, which is the main thing that I want to write about today.

Since I've known her, Squeeze's computer hasn't been in the best shape. One of the fans inside has been extremely noisy, and recently, the entire computer has taken to just powering off at random, which is always fun. As such, last Thursday, Evo was idly talking about how much it would be if he ordered all of the parts to build her a new one online, and I half-seriously said we could split the cost of that. Nothing came of it just then, but she eventually went back into her room (we were out in the living room at the time) to download an episode of The Big Bang Theory that had aired just earlier that night, and while she was away, I received a message in Skype from Evo asking if I was serious about being willing to split the cost. I replied that I was, one thing led to another, and yesterday afternoon, he brought all the parts over, laid them out on her bed, and then I brought her back in here. Her mix of being dumbfounded and not knowing what to say made it all worth it, and that wasn't all, either. We eventually relocated to the balcony so she could smoke, and while she was out there, she sent messages to about four different people telling them about how spoiled she was and whatnot. I genuinely enjoyed seeing that too, and to make it even better on top of that, we got onto the topic of video cards while we were out there, and came to the mutual conclusion that Evo and I would order her a new video card that afternoon, so it could be delivered and installed on Monday. Indeed. She will be paying me back for that eventually, and it cost less than we were expecting it to anyway, but it was really nice to do that for her on a whole. There is, unfortunately another side to this, which is where the title of the entry comes in.

The night from there consisted largely of Evo putting the computer together, and installing Windows. Apparently the 48-in-1 ISO that I downloaded a while back was "very nice" which made me feel special, but then there were a good several hours worth of drivers to install and updates to download, which ended up being pretty tedious. Squeeze mostly busied herself with picking bits of skin off the bottom of my foot while that was going on, because we're weird and both enjoy that, but I should've taken it as a sign of things to come. Specifically, I should've thought ahead and realized that having a new computer for the first time in presumably a very long time, she'd want more to play with it. She spent most of her time in Second Life, but there was one moment where she did come back and kneel on the bed, and we started kissing, and it seemed like other things were going to happen. I even asked if we were getting into something that would see us have to go for another shower before bed, and she gave me a smile and a nod, and said something to the effect of "probably~". She wanted to go take care of something or other related to a store she owned in Second Life first though, so I sat back and continued to do things on my laptop. Ten minutes led to twenty, then thirty, then forty-five, and a good hour following that. Eventually, I got tired of waiting, but didn't know how / want to say "I thought we were going to do this?", so I got up to go to the bathroom, and laid back down with intentions to go to sleep after that. She did notice that for whatever reason, and asked in a rather quiet tone of voice "You're going to sleep?" I told her I was tired, and she said she'd be there in just a few minutes then. She was, for what that's worth, but by that point, I was firmly into feeling sorry for myself. I slept on top of the sheets for the longest time, and when I did eventually wake up feeling much too hot and sweaty, I didn't want to move, because no other position seemed suitable. I did turn the fan on at some point, then had a couple dreams about us talking about the way I felt, which helped ease the feelings somewhat, but overall, it wasn't quite enough. I'm not in a *bad* mood, but I want to finish writing this before I actually say anything to her, because I like the way it's coming out, and to complicate things slightly, I feel like the longer it takes me to finish, the more worried she'll get. Fun, that.

To wrap things up here then though, let's have other random things of interest all in one final paragraph. She said something interesting while going about various things on Second Life last night - that she'd have to update her profile to say that she was taken. Caught me by surprise because I hadn't thought of it that way before. It's not a bad feeling, but the idea that I have taken her in that way is interesting. Similarly, she asked for Evo's help in cracking her back earlier in the evening last night, and while she was still laying on the floor, I randomly decided to sit on top of her. He made some comment that I can't recall containing the word "girlfriend", and I responded positively, to which he adopted an expression of mock shock, and exclaimed that he thought we didn't want to put a label on it. Is she my girlfriend? I suppose so, yes. The word "dating" also came into play, in a good way as well. I can't remember if I wrote about it in a previous entry or not, but while we were on our way to her mom's place on Tuesday, she asked me if I'd ever been to Flapjack's - a restaurant over near the underpass on Lacroix street. I told her I hadn't, and she said we'd have to go sometime, which I agreed to. I mentioned that we also had to go to Spiro's for breakfast sometime, considering it's just down the street. She agreed with that, and commented that it made for two dates that we have planned, which is... cool, in a good way, but that's not the way I'd been looking at it before. I still don't want to get too caught up in labels for things, but it's interesting knowing that where we are at does fall under a certain heading. On rather a different note now, before coming back to the apartment, I wanted to go out to Walmart, to look for jellybeans for the furmeet next weekend. They didn't have any, but did have other things, which I just had to take a look at. Squeeze knows what they are, because they concern that thing she guessed by surprise, and yeah. I did of course have to just randomly buy one then (not before walking back over to the grocery side of the store to make sure Evo wasn't still hanging about), and then we went over to Dollarama so I could get chocolate bars to make cake, where I bought another two. Smaller ones, of course, but yay for me and such. They're under the bed right now too. I wonder if she knows that, or if she won't know until she reads this entry. I wonder how that'll go when I'm out at work. As it is, I'd kind of like to show her, but I don't want to as well, because it's still embarrassing. It's fun being complicated.

Specific things aside though, it's probably about time that I ended this for today. She's been laying next to me here for the entire time, and I feel kind of bad about that. Earlier on, she quietly asked if everything was alright, and my body picked that perfect time to send a tear rolling down the side of my face. Things on a whole are still mostly alright, but for today, I'm just going to wait and see where they go after I post this. I don't want to get into anything (of the sort that we started getting into last night) when I have to go to work in just a few hours, but I also don't want to just lay here for the rest of the day, so... yeah. That's all for now~