Ramblings of an (In)sane Snow Leopard

The alternate title for this entry would be "Absence Makes the Heart Grow Fonder?", because yeah... I don't know that the past week (almost) has made me grow more fond of Squeeze so much as has required me to endure five days (so far) of rather intense anxiety and self-doubt. In a way, this is what I feared would happen by coming here. Being away from her for an extended period of time after spending two weeks effectively living together would make me start to doubt that I really felt the way I think I feel toward her, and I would either be an emotional wreck by the time I left, if not shortly after getting home, but that is fortunately not the case, as odd as that is to say. What I am instead experiencing is intense anxiety. It hurts. To describe it an oddly specific way, I feel as if somebody has been picking at my heart / surrounding area with a pin, and it's become all swollen, and the only way of attaining relief is to be back at home with her, to just hold her for however long it takes to replace these current feelings. I never thought missing / being away from somebody for an extended period of time could hurt so much, but I don't want to be so dramatic either. We've been talking for a bit every day, and I even called her on the phone for a brief chat when I came up for a break on Saturday night, but it's not the same. I miss you, Squeeze, and I wish there was something I could do to set those feelings for long enough to get through the next couple days...

Setting that aside for a moment, I think things have been going pretty well here otherwise. The meet on Saturday is the most obvious thing, so let's look at that. 85 people attended (maybe even 90, accounting for the few who didn't register), which is definitely more than before, and everybody seemed to be enjoying themselves. Were my thoughts not elsewhere, I might have had a better time too, but between that and being tired, I had to take a few short breaks, and even one that lasted for nearly 3 hours later at night. I was kind of let down about not getting any tips this time, but that wouldn't have been fair to the other people who brought baked treats, and... yeah. In a way, I'm not sure how I feel about the furmeets right now. It's not that I don't want to continue helping at them, but for one, I'm starting to get tired of always doing the same thing, and for two, if and when next time comes, I'm going to have to find some way of being more mentally prepared for being away from Squeeze for that long. That, or have her come with me for a few days, but thinking about that has my mind going places it shouldn't again. I'm reminded of a question she asked / indirectly showed me before. How can something that seems so right feel so wrong? I suppose being away from her for this long isn't exactly right, and I couldn't be expected to not feel bad as a result, and I also know thinking I should feel differently than I actually do is a big part of my problem, but just... this is what I mean when I say / think that I just want to be back at home with her. If just being around her is enough to make me happy... well, yeah.

On that random note though, I think this entry will be done, because I don't want to keep Dan waiting forever. So far as I understand it, we're off out to No Frills right now, then will hopefully be coming straight back here for a night of more relaxing, and maybe playing Scrabble. I also still want to set up my laptop in front of the TV and have a video chat with Squeeze so she can watch me play through Mario 3, or just use my camera to the same end, and I still want to record a video of the elevators later at night (because I'm weird) so yeah. Those sound like good ideas, and give me something to look forward to. It's somewhat of an abrupt shift to end this entry on as well, but I love you and miss you, Squeeze. I really can't wait for Wednesday to be here *hug* ~<3