Today marks the day when, one year ago, Jen and I celebrated our one year anniversary.
Yesterday, without meaning to, I pulled out the card she made for me then. She had said that she couldn't believe a year had passed by already, and that it had been the best year of her life.
Not to be a downer already, but I look at the current situation, and wonder what happened. Moving was a lot of stress, and things as far as me having a problem with whatever were nowhere close to improving prior to that, but I think back, and I remember that the whole pant leg / fabric issue happened back during that year. This current separation aside, assuming it applies, I would consider that our darkest time. We talked about it on and off for at least two weeks before a conclusion was reached that I thought I could be comfortable with, and then, a year or more after that, anything related to crafts, camo-patterned stuff, or similar, brought up bad memories, and that bad experience again, which pretty conclusively points to the situation still not being resolved.
I know wishing isn't going to get me anywhere, as my dad used to say, but I wish I could talk to Jen right now. I wish I could sit down with her and have a serious talk about what happened that night, when she cut the pant legs, and how I felt about it from there. I wish I could have a serious talk with her about our inability to effectively manage difficult situations. Sure, a small percentage of the time, we were able to talk constructively, but most of the time, I would be too beside myself with the way I was feeling, and why I felt that way to think straight, and she would be concentrating just on trying to get me to feel better, or vice versa.
About a week ago, my dad loaned me this series of DVDs called "Laugh Your Way to a Better Marriage", by Mark Gungor. I was skeptical at first, because as he (dad) puts it, our relationship is currently severed, and even when we were still together, we weren't married, but I figured I'd give them a go. For the first couple sessions, I was actually keeping notes in Notepad of things I didn't think of before, or which I felt would make a difference to keep in mind. Last night, I watched one titled "How to Stay Married and Not Kill Anybody", or somesuch. Near the end, he has all the married couples in the room stand up, and face each other, and repeat after him. There are some religious overtones which wouldn't apply to Jen and I, but I swear, from the bottom of my heart, before he was even halfway through, I was in tears wanting to say those same things to Jen. I wrote an entry in my journal about it too, and the relevant part is as follows (paraphrased, as I said in there, where applicable):
I'm sorry, Jen, for not always being the kind of person I should have been to you. For not giving you the attention you deserved. For being too caught up in my own world, instead of our world. For demanding too much, and not giving enough. For not loving you like I should have. Please forgive me, with your love, your support, your patience, and your thoughts. I will strive to be the kind of person that I want to be toward you, for you.
I have to say retyping that in the past tense sucks alot, but it doesn't sound right otherwise. And you know what? It still applies. I wanted to say it in here, because of how important, strong, and meaningful the words are to me, but the whole of me hopes this entry slips under Jen's nose, and one day, I can look into her eyes, and probably start tearing up really fast, and take about twice as long to say it as it would normally as a result, but to say those exact words to her.
I continued on as well:
...I still have tears rolling down my cheeks... You are the one I want to be with, Jen. After crafts, fabric, and cigarette smoke, and any other issues that we've faced, you are the one I want to be with
I love you Jen, with all my heart, and I want nobody else but you.
I could be worried that I'm coming on too strong, but to hell with that. It's what I feel, and believe, from the very bottom of my soul.
...today is a special day...
I would be absolutely overjoyed if Jen was thinking of it too, and wanted to do something just to acknowledge it, as I have plans for her, but I can only vaguely guess how she's feeling based on how I knew her before. What I think? She remembers, and either she's like me, and is hopeful for the future, or is not like me, and wants to push all thoughts of it out of her head.
For me? I want to do something within the day to give a silent nod to it. I want to go out to Dollarama when Adam and mom go to get milk, and look for special paper so I can make her something. I would absolutely love to order her Boston Pizza or such online, pay for it at the same time, and have it delivered to her at home without her having to do anything for it, but so far as I know, they only accept payment at the door, and it's just the sort of thing that, while I alone would like to do it, I wouldn't want to if she's still set on the idea of us not getting back together, because it would ruin her night.
I have some plans for the day myself anyway. Watch Youtube videos related to driving to study up for when I actually have the money to go for the test, then help to teach mom how to do something she wants to learn, and start writing down what sorts of things I want help with, or which I'd like to change in myself, since I have an appointment with Al Edmonds at 2pm tomorrow. Mom, dad, and I were talking about the fabric issue yesterday, and mom just went off for herself about how that's exactly the sort of thing that he might be able to help me with. She told a story about a friend of hers, or a friend of a friend or something had this aversion to perfume that she couldn't explain. Through going to see him (Al Edmonds) she was able to uncover the reason for why that was (though mom didn't explain...), and afterward, she had no problem being around people wearing or just plain smelling perfume anymore. Honestly, I'm incredibly hopeful, but I won't know what's going to happen until I get there. It's going to be interesting walking up to the church tail and ears and all. If I'm to call him tomorrow to confirm that I'm coming, I should tell him he'll know me when he sees me...
I just know that the one thing I want to stop doing is sitting on this couch all day. Yes, I have been and plan to continue keeping a firm habit of earning the ~78,000 treasure I can get in Flight Rising each day, which takes around three hours, but after that, there's no reason to continue to sit here. Yesterday evening, I finally finished clearing off the shelves of things that weren't mine up in that bedroom, and rinsed the dust off of them in the shower, so there's absolutely no reason that I can't bring the rest of my towels, and other toiletries / personal hygiene products up. I keep hearing Adam talk to Trish every night, most recently about how it's only six days until he goes there, and that corner of the living room needs to be cleared out and vacuumed by the time they get here. Although I had mixed feelings for a bit, I put the bin containing my PuffyPaws wolf out into my enclosure in the backyard yesterday, and I'm sure these box fans could go out as well, since the bedroom I'm using is pretty small, and there's an air conditioner / fan sat right in the window. I'll need to figure out something to do with my portable air conditioner too, but as far as that's concerned, I'll try lending it to Adam and Trish for the summer, to use in their room, ask dad if it could be used anywhere else second, offer it to Jen to use, again for the summer third, and if there's still no interest, either put it up in the closet in my old room, or out in the enclosure too. There's just... stuff upon stuff upon stuff, and most of it could easily be dealt with, or put into storage.
Come tomorrow or Wednesday, I need to call Mary to talk to her about coming back to work as well. As of last Thursday, I had / have two weeks off for personal leave, because I couldn't cope with the stress of everything that was on my mind in addition to work, and though I know going back won't be completely stress-free, I'd rather do that than sit here aimlessly, and be making money for it, because it's nice to have money. It'll be alright, though if I'm honest, I would rather not just be back on closes, but that's where I got most of my hours before, so I'd probably have to settle.
I'm starting to ramble now though, so let's wrap this up, shall we?
I wasn't going to say it before but...
I love you, Jen. Even though we're separated, I love you. Even though we can't rightly celebrate, Happy Anniversary! If we could suspend not having any communication with each other for two months for just a couple hours, I would dig out that gift card mom gave me for Christmas, and put the rest on my credit card to take us out to supper. You are so much more than worth it, and I want you to know that. In my heart, you are still my weirdo, and that means even more now than the day we came up with that way of putting it.