Karadur Inacu  (karadur) wrote,
Karadur Inacu 

A New Sort of Thing

...just to try to keep tabs on things in here...

As mentioned yesterday, I had my first appointment with Al Edmonds today. The original plan was to get dropped off at work, talk to Mary about coming back, and walk up to the church from there, but she ended up being busy, so I walked all the way up, nearly to Gregory Drive first, then sat in the shade outside for about half an hour, and played Professor Layton vs. Phoenix Wright. Two people pulled up during that time, the first of whom seemed to be a maintenance guy, and the second who would turn out to be Mr. Edmonds. We exchanged a few words as we went inside, then looked for a room to get comfortable in, and ended up deciding on the office. I ended up having to bring a chair in from the hall to sit in...

From there, we talked about things in general for a bit - what happened two weeks ago today, the various circumstances leading up to it, and feelings and thoughts since then, then I had to sign an agreement stating that I understood the terms of the service he was offering - namely that I wouldn't hold him responsible if something went wrong. Then we got down to business.

He instructed me to close my eyes, and think about things regarding Jen and what happened back on the 2nd, and to try and pick out the strongest feelings I felt associated with that. In general, we ended up being focused on fear, of losing her, and being on my own, and not knowing what to do without her - or any other person in a similar emotionally supportive role - around. Following that, we got into what I was expecting based on my reading and brief research.

He instructed me to try and let my thoughts wander. To look back into my past, and see if there were any other circumstances where I felt the same sense of fear, and hopelessness. Almost straight away, I remembered things with being in college so long ago. That year I took of computer programming, and how they were stopping offering the second year in Chatham, since there wasn't enough interest, so it would only be offered in Windsor. I still remember brief bits and pieces of that time. The uncertainty, and, indeed, fear of having to not only leave home, but also to have to move to a completely different city, where I knew nothing, and nobody. The time my parents wanted to talk to me about the idea, and I reacted pretty badly, already having been crying a fair amount, and telling them "You just want to get rid of me!". The plain uncertainty and almost assuredness in myself that, for me, I was no longer interested in computer programming, partly because it wasn't what I expected it to be (though I'm honestly not sure what I was expecting back then anymore), and partly because my priorities were about as backward as they could get, and I not only completely blew off the networking and maths classes, because they were too hard / I didn't understand them, but I also generally cared more for just sitting in an unsupervised computer lab browsing the internet, and downloading a ridiculous amount of stuff related to the interests and hobbies that I held at the time. Oh, and I'd also recently discovered Dragon Realms, before it turned into a site about Mac stuff (not sure if it still is...), and wanted to be on there whenever I had the chance. I still remember my number one priority for the longest time was downloading and burning onto a rewriteable CD one episode a day of Dragon Drive, that Forfaox (one of the site's admins) had uploaded. Yup. I still remember the password to the FTP: 4n1m3. I was so pleased with myself when I realized it said "anime". So anyway, there was that about St. Clair.

Following that, he asked me to try going back even further into my past, to see if there were any other times I felt that way. The next one I thought of? I didn't really think it applied, but he wrote it down anyway. Being much, much younger (single digit age, easily), and going grocery shopping with mom. It would happen here and there that we'd already be up at the checkout lane, and she'd realize that she forgot something, so she'd run off to get it as the cashier scanned through our groceries, and I got more and more scared that mom wouldn't come back in time, and I would be responsible for paying for them, and because I was a kid, and 50 cents was a lot of money to me, I wouldn't be able to pay, and would get in trouble. Amusing anecdote, which I think I at least told Jen before: remember book order forms in public / grade school? I remember looking through one once upon a time, and seeing a computer game on the back. Keep in mind, we didn't have a computer at the time, and as far as I was concerned, that would never change, but because it was something cool, and new, I wanted it. The price was right around $12.00, I believe. I still vaguely remember the night where, by night light, I counted up the coins I had, and was so excited that I had not twelve dollars, but just twelve coins. I can't remember what happened from there, but I do remember that. Back to the grocery store thing, on a similar note, I also remembered times when we'd be walking through a store together - the one that comes to mind is Walmart, just after it took over where Woolco used to be, before they built the one that exists now - and I'd lose sight of her. As a kid, that was a big deal! Losing sight of that person who made you feel secure...

Third and final, after he asked me to look back even further, I remembered being in Kindergarten. For the life of me, I wish I could explain why it happened, but there was this day when all of the kids were sent to different classrooms, with me going to be with the Grade 6 kids. I didn't understand, and as I said above still don't understand why, but I couldn't handle it at the time, and all I remember was Mr. Mattison - the teacher (incidentally the same teacher I had in Grade 6) - giving me some chewy yellow candy from in his desk.

He - Al - asked me to go back even further than that - to preschool, even - and I got a little frustrated that I couldn't remember else, and I kept trying to direct the focus onto other, more pertinent things, but by the time he got it, he said that would have to be something for next time. That something? As he wrote down in the notes he gave me, it is quite obviously, the fabric issue. Woo. I swear, for the fact that it's something I've been dealing with for a couple of years at least now, to say those words, or type those words, or read those words, or anything else to do with them makes me uncomfortable. My next appointment is on Tuesday the 27th, for 7pm, which will be nice, and I'm looking forward to it a little more, now that I know what to expect, and because I feel that fabric, and being attached to things instead of people, and all the failed friendships I've had in the past, and why and how all of that began is where a good amount of the root(s) of my problems lie. But I imagine I'll be kind of uncomfortable as well, for the personal issues therein, and possibly having to explain having an attachment - a fetishistic one, in fact - to other objects. I suppose we'll figure that out when we get there.

For today, I'm glad with the way things went, but there's one main complaint I have for myself. It's a Christian church. His views are Christian. I can fully understand and even agree with what he was telling me about accepting and letting jesus in, because that provides a spiritual connection that will always be there, but... I couldn't. I sat in silence for a good while, and wanted to say something, and he said a few things about it, trying to get me to see his point of view, but how it would have to be my choice to do that, if and when, and I can't. I accept that for some people that works, and it's probably exactly, and the only thing that works for them, but I don't want to turn to religion for the sake of convenience to myself. His way of putting it with going back and trying to find other times in the past that I've felt the same things I did with Jen was "trying to find the lies that the devil planted". Again, I respect that he has different beliefs than I do, but I don't think I'm in this predicament because some metaphysical identity planted lies and non-truths in my brain. I believe that I am where I am because of any number of things, incredibly obvious, or microscopically insignificant that have influenced the development of my personality, how I relate to people, the things I value, and generally why I am the way I am. In other words, his take is based on spirituality, whereas mine is based on reality.

But it's better than nothing, and I greatly appreciate the time he took to be there for me today.

The walk back was warmer than the walk on the way there, talking to Mary was just a simple matter of telling her I would be ready to return starting the Friday after next, and since, I've just been sitting watching various Megaman Battle Network videos. I keep checking my email periodically, hoping to find something from Jen, or even Audra, because I wrote her a short note in recognition of the day yesterday, which mom took to her, and I'm incredibly curious to know what she thinks of it. Like my dad said though, this is exactly the sort of case where the saying "No news is good news" could apply. She could have called up and blasted me through the phone saying that she told me she was done, and who was I to be writing her things saying that I still loved her, and this and that, but nothing happened, and I'll take that as a neutral to good sign, because, simply, nothing happened.

On the way home as well, I noticed a sign outside Tim Hortons that said they have not only Oreo Iced Capps, but Oreo Donuts back as well. As anybody who knows the unfortunate demise of the last couple Oreo donuts I bought when they had them before could guess, I am excited. As excited as I can be, though I'd very much like to be able to send Jen a quick message in Skype saying "OREO DONUTS ARE BACK!" and leave her to smile / laugh and shake her head. I've already decided though, that next week, being that my appointment with him isn't until 7pm, so I'll probably be there until at least 7:30, I'm going to take a bit of my money from my pay, and buy some treats on the way home. I got my pay stub today, and was already planning where I want my money to go. Various expenses, and saving up for things... I'm especially looking forward to Thursday, for things related to... pictures... But that reminds me I should email Michele.

Is that all? I've said alot more than I thought I would, but hell, I can just throw an LJ-cut in. Pretty well, for the day overall, Jen is still on my mind as much as she's ever been, but I did something new, and productive for myself, and though it may not have gone completely ideally, it went well enough that I'm hesitantly looking forward to my next appointment. I think that's all I can really ask for...

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