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I Want to Cut the Grass!

Am I going to let this overall good day be ruined because my help is not required? I hope not.

Back during the morning, when the mail was delivered, a package came for me. I was surprised, because I wasn't expecting anything, that I knew of, but it turns out it was a couple pedometers Jen's mom wanted me to order, which I feel like I ordered almost a month ago now... At any rate, I made sure they were working, and wrote a note to affix to the package along the lines of:

"The pedometers you wanted have finally arrived...

I think one of these was for Marlena? I'm not sure, but do let them know I said hi.

I'll try calling you later this afternoon to make sure you got them alright.

p.s.: If you need any help cutting your grass, let me know! Tuesday or Thursday preferably, though!"

We then dropped the lot off on our way out for the afternoon. She wasn't there, so I stuck it in the mailbox, and mom observed how tall - overgrown, nearly - her grass was. I got a little hopeful that it would mean I would have a decent thing to do for Saturday, and then we went off.

Just now, or rather a few minutes ago, I finally got ahold of her. As expected, because it was Friday, she was at her fat club. Per usual. So we chatted for a bit, and I asked about her lawn, but sure enough, she and Jen already have plans to cut it tomorrow. I would like to help, please. It's not going to absolutely ruin my day if I can't, but I'd rather not be completely estranged from these people I used to know because Jen and I are no longer together. I'd like them to know that hey, I'm still around, and I'm doing alright, and if you need anything, feel free to ask (so long as it isn't money).

I suppose she knows for the future, and it's not like her grass will magically not grow all through the rest of June, and all of July, so maybe, in the future, she'll ask me instead, or Jen will have learned that I'm willing to help, and decide she'd like to have the night off herself, and ask me to fill in for her. I just... want to be involved. If I had more money, I might have seriously asked her (Linda) if she'd be up for going to McDonalds some night, and I'll buy supper for Jen too, but... surprise surprise, because of these two weeks I've had / am still having off from work, I got just under enough to cover my expenses this past pay day, and am now facing four weeks and counting until I can expect to have money again. I think GST is in there somewhere, but that being what it is, I'd rather not know about it, so it can sit there untouched.

Is it right of me? Is it right of me to go to Dollarama and buy snacks for Jen and Conner despite the fact that we're currently separated? Is it right of me to want to go to McDonalds and buy supper for her, and some fries for Conner, so her mom can take some to her? Is it right of me to still want to be involved as much as possible, despite our status? I would honestly like to hear opinions, if anybody else happens to read this, because one part of me feels like I should go ahead with those things if it makes me feel good, but the other part feels like it's flirting to an extreme with the not having communication for two months agreement.


Who knows.

The fact that Jen hasn't said anything negative about the care packages mom and I have sent says a lot, in a good way, but toward the rest, it's probably up to me to answer. Supper from McDonalds would be directly dependent on her mom being willing to drive out there, as well as having money for herself (unless I had enough for everybody), as well as on Jen still being hungry, and not having gone to sleep yet. As to being involved, maybe it's just how I've been off work for a solid week now without many great distractions. I emailed Michele the other day, and she said I can relax and take time for myself until November, as they're all caught up there (but that I can call / email her if I ever need to talk, which I really appreciate), so that's out, and the only other thing I really had was work. Work may be stressful at times, and remembering what happened the night before I had this time off, it's the last place I want to be if I'm ever in that panicked-pending-meltdown state again, but I need to do it. I need to realize that, rough as any night may be, if things on my mind have me ready to just come home and do something stupid and get it over with, I can go online, and talk to somebody again, and just get it out that way. I was almost ready to do so yesterday afternoon, because I'd just realized my situation concerning money, but mom and I went out to get groceries, and I mentioned a few things, and even that was such a relief that the rest of the anxiety and panic went away after that.

Speaking of mom, when I just went upstairs to show her something I've been working on tonight, she commented that I have quite the sunburn on my face. And why might that be? Because we went to the lake today. I didn't understand why at first, but I thought it would be nice to get out, and it really was. We stopped at KFC to get lunch along the way, and when we made it there and got our chairs situated and everything, sat, ate, and she proceeded to tell me what she referred to as "The Story of [Her] Dysfunctional Family", meaning my grandma and grandpa, and her siblings. She said I'm the only one she's ever told the whole story to, and believe me, it was eye-opening for me as far as even more turning the idea I once had of going to the hospital around. She also showed me what I think were old journal entries that she wrote. And I mean old. ~21 years ago. Writing about her experiences in her own life, and the things she was facing. Just before she started, she commented that she's never considered herself a great poet or writer, but for the things I read, I find that statement hard to believe. It wasn't that she was trying to push her words to match a certain feeling, but that the words and emotions stood taller than anything else on their own.

After that, we walked along the beach looking for beach glass, and came away with a fair bit. All I could think the entire time though was how Jen once told me that was something she liked doing, and how I would love to do that with her one day, in a place that's relaxing, and quiet, and private. And then, almost assuredly, from all the bending over she'd have to be doing, be requested to provide a service when we got home.

I told mom about a funny idea I have for when Jen and I are able to see each other again, too. I won't repeat it here, for obvious reasons, but the one serious part of the idea was to write her a note. A note about our past, and the problems we've faced, and what I would like to do to change them for me, but also how I would like to change them for us, because she was there when they started, and it feels only right to want her to be there when they change. Aside from that, also how I would be humbled for another chance to be with her - to be together, as mates, or boyfriend and girlfriend, or a couple, or even more, if you want to look that far ahead - but that I would want to start again as friends first. Mind you, I would like for us to, even then, be the sort of friends who can talk about anything - even private / personal stuff - like we used to. I would like for us to be the sort of friends where, come Christmastime, I wouldn't buy her quite as much stuff as I did before (for the sake of money, too...), but I would still want to get her more than other people. I would like to be the sort of friends where, on Valentines Day, if neither of us had somebody to go out with, I would take her out, as a really close friend, so we could at least have each others' company. Perhaps in the same night, but also as I described to mom for something on our birthdays, buy some alcohol, and actually get drunk together. For all the times she's talked before about wanting to drink, but having nobody to drink with, I would jump at the chance to do that with her, for myself as well, being that I did enjoy drinking together before, and would like to do it again, for whatever special occasion, but wouldn't want to do it on my own, because it wouldn't compare.

...time to be a downer again though. I realize all these ideal circumstances I have going through my head are based on things for both of us still being the same as they were before. As in, we're still the only two people in the city that we really associate with. For her, I'm almost positive that's something she wants to change, and for me, as unfathomable and undesirable as it may seem, it's something I need to change in myself too. In a kind of selfish but not quite selfish way though (can't think of how else to describe it), I would really like it if, because of the way we were around each other compared to with anybody else, we would still want to have our own time, and our own things to do together.

Mom said something interesting as far as she and I possibly getting back together, too. Before that happens - if it ever does - we both need to figure ourselves out. Why we face the issues we do, why we are the way we are, and so on. In roughly the same way as before, part of me is inclined to agree, but the other part of me says "You don't know how long that will take, for you or for her, so anything after that is just as indefinite". At times like this, I really wish I could be over there with Jen, and we could be laying on the floor upstairs, cigarette smoke and all, talking about our futures, and how to get what we want out of life. I described to mom too my current ideal day that we're able to see each other again. If I am to go through with my funny idea, do that, give her the note, ask if she's hungry and possibly figure out food, then actually sit - or lay, preferably - and talk like we used to, but about changes, and wanting things to change instead. For hours, even. Mind you, just like I was a downer once in this entry, I must be again to point out that this ideal scenario I have going through my head is based upon my changes, and new things that I've been feeling, and not hers. I would love to talk all night if that's what ends up happening. She could very well insist that I head home by a certain time, so she could get to bed herself and be up in time to get Conner off to school in the morning, and we could resume sometime after that.

For now, I guess I could write in my paper journal to her about that, but if I do, it will have to wait until tomorrow. I haven't been downstairs this long in at least a week, and for the fact that I want to keep on my waking up at ~9:30am schedule, I should get upstairs soon. Then lay and play more Professor Layton vs. Phoenix Wright, because that was getting all climactic and tense earlier.

Overall though? I don't know. I know it's not a helpful thing to say, but I just don't. I think it's a matter of wanting another opinion, but putting absolutely all the weight of that on one specific person. I love you, Jen, and I honestly wish I knew how to not be this stubborn. What will you think about this entry if you read it come August?