Karadur Inacu  (karadur) wrote,
Karadur Inacu 

I'm... So... Tired...

I swear... it's only ten after ten right now, and I'm ready to just pack things up, head upstairs, and call it a night. Do you suppose that could be because I've been awake since ~7:40 this morning? I don't know what came over me... I woke up having to go to the bathroom really bad, so I went, and felt awake enough, and apparently just decided to be awake from there. That said, it has been a productive day. I have...

> Taken care of Flight Rising, including more grinding for Immaculate Tablets
> Put away the green rug that I'd previously brought to be used at Jen's house
> Fixed both of my PSPs. I'm hoping to offer the second one to Jen on extended (in other words, indefinite) loan, since there are games that I downloaded and got working specifically for her on there
> Ripped the entirely of that Top 10 Proofs CD series. My laptop disc drive must be dirty or something, because there were constant problems with it, yet the drive in the desktop computer worked flawlessly
> Started work on another personal project. Nature? Indeterminate
> Went out to do some running around with mom and Naomi, and bought a few things related to the above personal project
> Continued working on a different aspect of said personal project
> Had supper - shepherd's pie - with mom and dad
> Went to my appointment with Al Edmonds
> Stopped in at work on the way home for a fry box and a drink, and Tim Hortons for an Oreo donut, and Oreo iced capp
> Did even more work on that personal project. It's coming along nicely

I think the most interesting part of the day though was the appointment. It started just the same as the other one, but tonight, the topic of focus was insecurity, and when it came time for letting my mind go and seeing what sorts of similar memories drifted to the surface, I just kept going on and on and on, to the point where we were well past Theophostic, and more into legit counseling and trying to work things out. Mind you, I wasn't pushing for that or anything, it's just what happened, and indeed, after much listening, and writing things down, he himself said he felt like he was out of his depth. That he was still willing to listen, and to even set up an appointment to just talk, but, to my interpretation, that the problems I'm facing are better left to a proper mental health professional.

So that's a thing (yay roahmmythril).

For one, I have a lot of respect for the guy for doing what he does, and I can very clearly see how there are plenty of people out there who would be helped by his process. For two, I find myself mildly embarrassed, and feeling like I wasted his time. It is two people now (outside of family) who have availed themselves to talk if I ever feel the need, and as I was saying to him, it's nice to be able to actually talk, and have a proper conversation face to face about things instead of online with somebody, but if I do call him to set up another appointment, I'm going to have to at some point ask for sure if he's alright with just talking. No matter who I've talked to so far, I haven't expected them to help me solve my problems. Know what a sounding board is? People like that make a world of difference to me. What I would love beyond anything is to know somebody who would go on a walk with me - one of my aimless walks where I'm just in the mood to go out, and end up going alot farther than I expected - and listen to anything I had to say, no matter how negative or how alarming, and just let me get it out. I wrote an entry yesterday that was intended to be public when I started, but got more and more dark as I went along, for things that were on my mind, and the way I was feeling. At first, it was set so only Jen and Dan could read it, then I made it private, then I edited it a bit to make it less hateful and inciteful, and made it protected again, then, within the night, changed it to private once more, and that's how it's probably going to stay. I want to get these negative emotions out - all the things I've repressed and tried not to think about over the years - but I'm afraid of turning back into that hateful little ball that I used to, but pretended not to be. I used to consider myself a misanthrope. Laugh. I want to do something about the way that I feel, but I don't want anything bad to come of it, and if, say, I'm at home and the opportunity presents itself to grab a cushion off the couch and scream at the top of my lungs into it, I don't want anybody else to be around, because I don't want to alarm them and have them come down asking what's wrong and if I want to talk.

So what else is there to say now? This house is due to become really quiet in a couple days. Adam's already away in Wisconsin, and as of Thursday, Naomi will be going to stay with Ty and his grandparents for a bit. Yeah, I'll have work to keep me busy, and my own things to work on during days off, including hopefully going back to the lake with mom so I can start to tell her my side of things for the past many years, but all in due time, I guess. Before I know it, Adam will be back with Trish and Ericka in tow, and that living room, which has become my area when I'm not up and doing anything else, will be overrun with Trish's belongings, and Adam's belongings, and Ericka's things (I love her to death, but I do not want her sitting next to me constantly), and I'll be driven mildly crazy. I suppose I should enjoy the quiet while it lasts...

So now... if I am to get to one last personal thing that I want to do before midnight, I should do that now, and then maybe get to bed.

Oh! I forgot about last night. I laid down pretty early, and went to bed needing to clean myself up, but I couldn't be bothered, which was different, and kind of nice. Sleeping was here and there, because my thoughts toward Jen have been less and less positive lately. Suddenly, at ~3am, which made absolutely no sense to me when I looked at the alarm clock, I was awoken by lightning, and a sharp crack of thunder. Yes, the first legit thunderstorm we've had in a while. And all I could do was lay in bed, paralyzed by something along the lines of mild depression, thinking about how the loud noise probably woke Jen up to, and what she was doing, and how she was feeling, and if she was thinking about me, what with the storm. Does it really matter if she was thinking of me or not? What I ought to have tried to keep in mind was that we always used to enjoy rain, and thunderstorms, so for it to be storming so badly, I should have just laid back and enjoyed it, and reflected positively on the similar timed we've shared before.

But I've now written enough, and need to get on with other final things so I can go call it a night. I don't intend to wake up quite so early tomorrow, but if I want sleep, then that's what I'm going to have...

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