Karadur Inacu  (karadur) wrote,
Karadur Inacu 

From Bad to Good

Quickish entry here to touch on some things that I was just talking to myself about upstairs.

I keep thinking about Jen. I keep thinking about the way things were when we were together, and how they'll likely have changed for her, now that we're apart. Camo stuff, for instance. Ever since the fabric issue, I was incredibly protective of anything with such a pattern, to the point where I felt panicked if there was anything being done with it outside of my control. This would include her mentioning having always loved camo stuff, in regards to clothes. Presently, I find myself thinking that she could very well have started to wear camo stuff again. I wouldn't be surprised at all, and indeed, she has every right to. That thought makes me a bit panicked itself though, and why? Because though I want my feelings on camo stuff to change, I want them to change for her, in such a way, and under the assumption that nothing will have changed between June 2nd and August 2nd compared to the way things used to be between us. The idea of her doing whatever she pleases kind of throws a wrench in that though. If she's either already started, or plans to start wearing camo stuff again before August, then my wanting to change is moot, because I'd have wanted to change for her. Understand so far?

So here I am, standing in the bedroom upstairs, looking out the window and feeling all anxious. Trying to figure out what to do, and, extremely pessimistically, telling myself that it would just have been easier in the long run if we were done and done back on the 2nd of June. That said, I could sense a glimmer of hope in the way I was feeling. That there was some good to be found in it, if only I could unearth whatever that good was. As of now, I think I've made semi-decent progress.

I look at it this way. It's reasonable enough to want to change for her, but for as long as we can't have any communication, it's unfair to me, because I won't know what changes she's made herself. Therefore, I need to rely on what I know, which, in this case, is my side of things. Concerning camo stuff? I need to look at the situation, and realize my over-protectiveness of anything having to do with that all started with the pant leg(s). I need to - hard as it may seem, take all the feelings I had then, and still have now over fabric and camo and everything else related thereto, put them all in a box, put a nice, sturdy lid on the box, and store it away someplace safe. Concerning fabric, I need to realize that until we've really talked about it - and I mean *really* - even if she does start to use fabric for crafts or whatever between now and August - such as fixing a piece of Conner's buggy - she'll hide that from me as best as she possibly can. I wouldn't be surprised if, when it comes to camo stuff, she was wearing such clothing now, for herself, and come August, when we meet up, though she would want to wear it, she would hold off, because she wouldn't be sure how I would feel.

I need to take a factual, critical look at the problems I face with whatever things that cause those problems, and figure out how to change them for myself, and only for myself, so that no matter what happens with Jen in the future, I'll already be covered, and that's EXACTLY what she, my parents, and anybody else would be talking about when they say I have to want to change for myself. I truly didn't see the difference or problem before, but I do now. The alternative is that I change for Jen, and while that might get me through for a little bit, it's only going to be a matter of time until I find myself with another seemingly insurmountable problem. I need to do whatever I can to be a happier person for myself - much as I legitimately despise saying that - and in turn, the relationships that I have, and will continue to establish with people will be that much happier.

That said, there are things that I still want to do with Jen. There's stuff related to camo, and there's stuff related to fabric, and if I could have my way, we'd sit and talk for an entire day, from dawn 'til dusk, but... I suppose I can hope. Looking at my calendar, the 2nd is a Sunday, and the 3rd is a Monday, both of which I have booked off, so if she's up for the idea, maybe we can just talk about our past, and how to proceed from there.

I'm pretty pleased, actually. Today has gone from being panicked and anxious and sick and tired of hearing Adam and Trish and Ericka that I was upstairs pretty well cursing Jen for everything that happened between us, and blaming her for alot of it, and generally seeing work as something that would be incredibly difficult to get through, but now, it seems a little more doable. Especially for the circumstances tonight. I forgot, that just before I had my two weeks off, the schedule had three people on weekend closes, which is still the case now. Last night, with Orlando, Tom, and I, I was on drive thru all night, and Tom went home at 3. Tonight, I'll have the option to be on line, and to be the one to leave at 3 instead, but I'm... undecided. Drive thru would be better for earning a bit of money in tips, so long as the dishes were covered, and being done right at 3 would allow me more time at home to work on Flight Rising and whatnot (almost to another million treasure!), but then, I wouldn't be able to walk home with Orlando. I don't know. I'll just wait and see what I feel like doing tonight.

Also, Orlando informed me last night that our "demolition date" is October 1st. Meaning we'll probably be closed mid-September. Meaning that I'll still have to book days off to take Jen out for her birthday. That is something to look forward to... I just hope she's okay with doing things on our own, instead of going out with whoever else...

So yeah. Jen? If and when you read this, I love you, and I'd really like to know what you think of it.

Otherwise, off to see what work has in store tonight. Rain, if nothing else...

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