Karadur Inacu  (karadur) wrote,
Karadur Inacu 


What's all this now? It's not even 9:30, and I've already retreated to upstairs?

Indeed I have. Adam, Trish, and Ericka are getting on my last nerve, through no fault of their own, and staying downstairs for any longer was just going to make me more miserable. When I woke up this morning, all was quiet, per usual, but then I had my 10:00 appointment, and when I returned from that, music was blaring from the computer in the dining room, as Adam was working on a puzzle in there. That carried on through most of the afternoon, and then, after supper, switched to extremely loud movies. I was getting by at first, through just using my earphones, but enough is enough.

...I want to say "Save me, Jen!" Tell me I can come over and we can hang out and the atmosphere can be quiet and relaxed instead of loud and chaotic!", but nah, not yet. I'm actually getting to the point myself where, even if she did call or email or whatever me early, to say that she wanted to talk and see me again, I would be at a dilemna. On one hand, it's Jen. The person whom, estranged as we are, I still feel very much attached to and in love with, so it wouldn't take me very long to come around, but on the other, everything that I'm doing, and everything I want to do is based around still not seeing each other for another month. I've done things as of a couple days ago that I would have previously been about a million miles beyond devastated with myself for doing, and I don't want seeing her prematurely to impede that. My creativity has absolutely skyrocketed compared to where it was when we were together. Maybe that's because the things I've found to do take a considerable amount of concentration and focus, but I want to see those personal projects through too. And that's actually a gripe I still have with her concerning crafts, from quite a while ago (back when we were still friends).

While it was still cold enough out for there to be snow on the ground, I went over there one night to hang out, and wore my black and white cat hood. No sooner than I stepped into the bedroom and she was commenting on how cool it looked, but just as soon as that - and this is what I have a problem with - she was going on about how easy it would probably be to make one for herself, and how the pattern couldn't be that complicated and such. Now, to address this concern, this is completely removed from the fabric issue and anything to do with it. What I have a problem with is not being able to show her something I have that I like without her completely looking past that and saying "Ooh I want one too". Maybe that's just the way she is, due to her hobby of crafts - it's only natural to look at an item, try to figure out how it was made, and assess on some sliding scale how close you would be to having the skill to make one yourself. For me as well, in more of an insecurity direction, it's bothersome because I bought mine, and for her to make one by hand would mean hers is well above and beyond better than mine.

I suppose I'm just as guilty though, thinking about it. Just after she gave me the blue, pink, and orange friendship bracelet that she made, I became very interested in making those, because I thought they would be easy, and within a week, I'd gone out and bought about $25 worth of string. I had gone and completely looked past what she had been trying to do for me, and could see only what I wanted. Suppose it's something like insecurity for both of us? I don't know. I do know it was bothersome though.

So in other news, I had my appointment with the pre-assessment nurse at the mental health clinic today. The check-in forms I had to fill out took almost as long as the appointment itself, and I commented to the lady at the desk that I felt like I was back in school writing a test. I sincerely can't remember the name of the lady I actually talked to, but it was pretty standard fare, although I did leave with some concerns. I don't know what Dr. Leigh reported, but she had this impression that I was seeking relationship counseling, in which case I would most likely be referred to Family Services Kent. Yeah, them again. I'm sure they do wonderful work, and I know it's about as backward a way of thinking as it could possibly be, but I do not want to have to pay money to better my mental health. I'd rather talk through things with people, and try to dig myself out of my own hole. Even earlier this afternoon, I was considering why I'm still in such a way that I can only handle having one friendship / relationship at a time, and thought back to being friends with both Lee and Shawn, and Josh. Specifically, I remember one afternoon where I'd called Lee, and agreed I'd be going over there so we could hang out, but then Josh called just after. For whatever reason, I wanted to go to Josh's house over Lee's, so I left after some brief hesitation, and could literally hear Lee calling my name as I fast-walked down the street, around the corner, and out of sight. How exactly that relates to the way I am now, I'm uncertain, but there has to be some connection.

At any rate, my next appointment is for Thursday, July 16th, at 1pm (instead of 10am yay), with Dr. Ada-Conde. Mom seems to think they're a gynecologist, which is pretty amusing. All I want to be certain of for now though is to get my point across that I am NOT seeking relationship counseling. The problems I am facing now were present - for the most part - before Jen and I even met each other, so even if we were still together, they would not be resolved. There absolutely were problems in our relationship, such as a mutual inability to effectively communicate, leading to many things going unresolved, but those are things that, should the time come, I would want to sit down proper with Jen, and talk about what we could both do differently. Just... thinking back, I absolutely DESPISE the way I would be when something was wrong. I would get all quiet, and generally be disinterested when she was trying to engage me in conversation or whatever, but I would give no other indication that anything was wrong. I would wait for HER to notice, and to start worrying herself, then ask if she was worrying too much / if something was wrong, and after that, I would STILL delay for up to a couple HOURS before saying anything. They're strong words, but I hate myself for that.

In a similar way, I absolutely do hold it against her for, ever since a little bit before April, not talking to ME if something was on her mind, and going to Reddit or Audra or wherever instead, to tell random strangers on the internet. She has an alternate LiveJournal account where she's posted a copy of everything that she's posted to Reddit. I don't know what any of it says, because all the entries are private, but that's messed up. To date, I have posted ONE thing to Reddit about our relationship, under the account name "arkadru", in /r/suicidewatch. Go look it up if you like. I have nothing to hide. I have an alternate LiveJournal account myself, under the username "rudarak", but the last entry in there is from August of 2012, and is about being depressed after coming home from Toronto.

...I remember something I mentioned at my appointment today too, that really makes me wonder. Last weekend, on Saturday, it rained. Saturday was quite dead, and everything got caught up early, so I was allowed to go home at midnight. I walked in the rain, and along the way, was thinking about things between Jen and I, and that time, my mind flicked to a different way of looking at things. That surely there's truth in saying that I did make her life so miserable - so unbearable - so unhappy - that she would choose to end things - or I would not be here right now. That for as happy as I was being with her, she was nowhere near as happy as I was. I cried, from about halfway down St. Clair all the way home. After our compromise about crafts, and figuring out how we would handle moving and living separately, I thought things were good, but they weren't. It kills me too - and I know she'd object, but I'm going to carry on - how I didn't even get a chance to start adjusting. The day after the first night we were apart - the MOST difficult day for me, after having literally lived with her for two and a half years - she says she's done. I don't know what August is going to hold, but if it's anymore of that same me being perpetually in the wrong and her always being right, I may well not stand for it. Just the other afternoon, when Trish was washing dishes, Adam must have stuck up behind her and clamped his hand over her mouth, because the next thing I heard, she was tearing him a new one over how he was to never do that again. And life went on. So it's okay to be unkind, even when you're in a relationship with somebody, so long as you have a reason to be. If, for example, I could recreate that night where the fabric issue started, I would not stand up for myself and tell her I didn't want her to cut fabric anymore because it bothered me, but say, for example, the time she was shredding lettuce for taco salad before, and kept asking if I wanted to help, because it could be the last time I ever got to do that, and I got bothered more and more every time she said it. Instead of continuing to be bothered and eventually quietly telling her that I would appreciate if she didn't do that, I would stand up right then, and tell her that while I realized she was joking, what she was doing was bothering me. To hell for feeling guilty because I am, in a manner of speaking, a fun ruiner. I'm entitled to not be made to feel bad, even if it's not being done intentionally.

Just to be clear, I'm not saying that I am free of faults. I could still write a book about my issues, and where they might have started, but I absolutely, 100% REFUSE to believe that Jen and I being separated is all my fault. Even with the cigarette thing, which was the issue that night I went there after work to get food, she admitted herself that she didn't think when it came to smoking around things, and that could have been the end of it, but no, it wasn't. It was still my fault because I didn't say something about it in the way that she would have wanted me to. I just... for the first time in ages: *sigh*. It's an "I don't know what to do or think" sigh, by the way. NOT "she's wrong and is incapable of realizing it".

I love her, with every fiber of my being, but even being separated, she drives me up the effing wall.

I wonder how she's doing...?

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