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Another Healthy Dose of Discouragement

My first, and currently only proper appointment at the hospital was today. After talking to this guy - Evan - about what brought me to seek their services, so he could gather more information, I was left alone, to fiddle with the lock on the door and count my money, before he came back and told me I could go directly across the hall. In that room was another person, who would be Dr. Ade-Condi (or something to that effect). We talked for a bit, and she asked me a couple questions, but overall, of the three people I've talked to to date, I've spent less and less time with each one. We barely even scratched the surface of the issues I'm having before she told me my best course of action would be to set up an appointment with Family Service Kent, and I still wonder if they saw the look on my face change from genuine interest and hope, to a forced smile, and obvious discontentment.

If I am to be referred there, in such a way that they're the only place in this city that can help me, then so be it. I may not want to pay, but I owe it to myself, and to Jen, at very least, to go there for one session, and see what comes of it. To think though, it frustrates me. She was displeased to the point where I'd almost call her pissed off that I didn't call Dr. Leigh right away, and instead called the number mom gave me, and was told I should call Family Service Kent from there. She was so certain and assured that if I called my family doctor, and set up a proper appointment, I would get actual help, and here I am, at the same point I was before. To be completely honest, half of me does still feel like I'd rather talk through my problems naturally than have to pay somebody for a shot at getting them sorted out, but as far as a one-time thing goes, I can definitely shell out the $30~$40 it costs for an hour. I'd want to go in there prepared, to be sure, so I'm not wasting my time and money, but it's still something I need to try.

If I ask myself why things turned out this way, I can come up with only one reasonable sounding explanation. From the questions both Evan and Dr. Ade-Condi were asking, my problems, while bothersome enough that they do affect my life, are not severe - worrisome, even - enough to fit whatever treatment they can offer in the hospital. When I was talking with Evan, he mentioned what I'd told the intake nurse about how I'd prefer counseling over medication, and indeed, I confirmed that, explaining that if there was no other option but to take medication, I would, but otherwise, I'd prefer not to. I don't want to be dependent on a pill to feel better, to put it simply.

But that's just my opinion anyway. She (the doctor) did say she'd be letting Dr. Leigh know that I was referred to Family Service Kent, so I guess if nothing else, feeling that I now have an obligation and requirement to go is another point of motivation, but... I will. As I was telling mom while we were going out to do running around, I feel like the thing that's helped the most thus far is just talking normally, and writing, both in my physical journal, when I was still writing things to Jen, and writing in here, as negative and hateful as some of the entries have been. Also interesting is that mom herself seemed disappointed and slightly frustrated for me when I told her the outcome. It's like both she and Jen were legitimately expecting I'd be able to undergo counseling at the hospital, and for whatever reason, if they do offer it there, I don't qualify. Mom told me something else interesting while we were going out too.

For me, I've seen Al Edmonds twice for theophostic counseling. The second time I went, we got to a point where he said he felt that he was out of his depth, and for me too, I felt that the way I felt about my problems could not be helped by the counseling he offered, by fact of simple incompatibility. Since then, I've yet to contact him again, even about just talking, and haven't really thought about it either. Mom, on the other hand, has told me several times of this Grace Knutson, who offers the same counseling, but more for women. She told me today that at some indeterminate point in the future, she's going to be going for her own appointment, and while setting that up with Grace, told her about my experiences. Grace offered some comment along the lines of not being able to understand why Al would say he was out of his depth, and that she would be willing to see me if I was interested, as she has offered counseling to men in the past too. I'm supposed to get back to mom about that, but here's the thing.

From my experiences with my two appointments, theophostic counseling is centered in religion. There is an inherent belief that the devil is responsible for whatever problems you may be having, by placing lies - false ways of thinking - in your mind. I'm not sure if it's something that just Al did, or if it's a common element, but both times I went, he prayed several times, asking god to show me the truth. I was instructed to let my mind go blank, and let thoughts just drift to the surface. Both times, I didn't know what to do. I tried to just not think. and it worked, to an extent, but in the context of religion, I can't. I wrote about it before, but for myself, I can't believe that all the problems I have are caused by the devil. I can see how that would be an obvious way of thinking, for somebody who does believe in religion, but my problems are the results of my own actions, and own experiences, and own path through life. While I may not be able to see the reason yet, there is some very real cause in my past for why my experiences with friends over the past many years have always seen me latch onto just one person. There is a proper, logical reason for why I think in black and white. When mom and dad first told me about theophostic counseling, I pictured it being something focused around starting with whatever problem you're facing presently, and trying to logically trace it back through your life, in hopes of discovering the root cause. Theophostic, however, doesn't like logic. You're not supposed to think, and try to look back and put the pieces together as you go. You're supposed to think about the way you're feeling at that time, and go back as far as you can in your mind, and look for the earliest memory you can have of feeling the same way.

All in all, I suppose if nothing else, I could call Grace, and explain my concerns, and what I'm actually looking for with counseling, and see what she says. If it's always going to be about discouraging logical thought though, then I may just pass.

I'm starting to feel my eyes drooping now, so I don't know how much longer this will go on for, but just after I left the hospital today, I had an interesting thought about my situation that has never come to mind before. For all the problems I have, I've never really talked to anybody about them. Oh, sure, Jen and I talked about things to do with fabric for hours upon hours back when that happened, and mom and dad and I have talked for hours upon hours about the two of us being separated, but there's a common theme between those two: the talking has always been done in an emotional, retrospective way. We've never sat down on a good day, and talked about something sensitive and emotional. For Jen and I, the only times we ever talked about our problems was when things were already bad, and we were already emotional. For the countless opportunities I had with her to say "This is bugging me. Do you mind if we talk?", I never did, and that's definitely a regret. For all the times that she could have said the same thing to me, the only occasions when she ever said anything were when she was ready to break up. To put it as mutually as possible, neither of us knew what we were doing as far as communicating properly.

But getting back on point, I've never talked to anybody. I've never really had friends to talk to about my problems. If, for example, I could have had somebody to talk to that time in April when we nearly broke up but were able to save things, I might have been able to see what else I was doing wrong, and actually change myself in a way that could still see us together today. I'm trying to avoid the obvious, so... If I had somebody to talk to that night I came home from work, and it was to be the first night we didn't sleep together after two and a half years, I could have gotten emotional with them, and never even bothered Jen, and still had the cigarette smoke issue to deal with, but nothing remotely as severe as what has happened.

So what's stopping me? What's stopping me from signing back into Skype, and sending Dan a message, and maybe firing something off to Will too, asking how he's been keeping? Quite possibly something Dr. Ade-Conde pointed out. She asked if I had any friends, and I began to tell her about Dan, but she interjected, asking if I had any local friends. The truth? Not really. I've started opening up to Orlando, and was going to tell him about letting Jen go the last time we worked, but Michelle showed up to give us a ride home (because Roy forbid the temperature drops to a comfortable cool in July), but he can't be the only person I talk to. The very fact that we only see each other when we work together inhibits the amount of interaction we can have as well. But I need to find a way to start involving myself with more people locally. I get mildly anxious at the thought, because how I'm going to achieve that is a different matter entirely, but I imagine going out and being able to do things with people on my days off, or actually having a support structure in the event that things go wrong, and it seems so much more hopeful. The only worry remaining in my mind is that I had that before, with Noir and Deoge, but insecurity over them going to college, and me having no plans whatsoever for my future drove me to stop talking to both of them. But - and this is a big but - to restate something I told Al Edmonds the last time I was there, imagine having even just one friend who wasn't like the rest. So out of three people, these two are going off to college, but there's this third, who isn't. Who is roughly the same as me as far as education. That would honestly make so much of a difference. My ideal circumstances, as far as a social circle and potential for insecurity goes, is to know enough people that no matter who's doing what, there will always be one person who is staying the same. Alternately, I could figure out how to just stop comparing myself to other people outright, but that will come another day.

For now, it's bedtime, and I really really really hope I can lay down without my back aching again. Yes, it hurts in such a way where, if I lay on my stomach, which is the position I sleep in, it hurts unbearably. Somewhat amusingly, I was using a vibrator I bought from Target before they closed to attempt to massage the soreness away, but it didn't work. Maybe, just maybe, if this does continue through to August, I can politely beg Jen for a back rub, and pay her back with the best one I can possibly give in return. It's not necessarily a pleasant thought, but... it is something to hope for~