Karadur Inacu  (karadur) wrote,
Karadur Inacu 

Clearing out My Backlog

This is a rare pleasure. To sleep relatively late (~10:30am), and still come downstairs to a completely quiet house has been unheard of since Trish and Ericka have been here. That's why, instead of getting right to Flight Rising as I normally would, I'm going to take some time to write this, as more and more things keep getting added to my list to write about, and I feel like I'm not too far from the point where I tell myself I just won't bother, because of how they're getting old, and how everything as a whole is too much to handle.


To start, yesterday was a particularly good day. I slept even later than today - until almost 1 in the afternoon - which I actually wasn't pleased with, but whatever, then made decently quick work of Flight Rising. After that, I had breakfast, dealt with a confrontational note written on the jar of Nutella I've been using, and set about working on things for Jen. Wrote her a letter, by hand. Made her an honestly really cool envelope from a piece of scrapbook paper, by hand. Made little mailing and return address labels, as well as a thing to stick on the back saying "DO NOT OPEN UNTIL 08.02.2015" by hand, and subsequently rediscovered that superglue soaks right through white paper, even if it's thicker than normal. Within one afternoon, that that completely done, from writing the letter to making the envelope to actually managing to fold the three pieces of paper into neat thirds, and stick them into the envelope along with a couple friendship bracelets I made her, then seal the entire thing up. On my way to work, I stopped by 7-11 for three stamps, which may have been overkill, but I wanted to be sure it would get to her safely, and mailed that out en route. So sometime within the week to come, she'll be receiving an unusual, highly personal piece of mail that's going to sit and bug her from then until the 2nd of August, which fills me with glee.

After things at home came work, and even work went surprisingly well. It took a bit to get started at first, but once I found my rhythm, I was enjoying getting orders out quickly on my own. It won't be the first time that I tried it, so let's say I rediscovered that bumping the order I'm working on from both boards and making it from memory increases my speed a good little bit, because I don't have to keep glancing up. Mind you, that wasn't helpful the couple times Orlando came up to help me, but even he remarked the first time that he felt like he was just slowing me down. I declined to take a break too, meaning I was set to go home at 2:30, but I do want to have a talk with Mary about that the next time I see her, because if breaks are going to be mandatory, I'd like to know if staying to close one weekend night at leaving at 3 at latest the other is also a firm requirement. It was nice at first, being able to get stuff done and go home early, but I've come back around since, and realized that not only am I losing a couple hours each week from having to take a break, but going home early also contributes to making less money.

After work, I came home and did the usual stuff - watched something online and ate supper - then was going to head upstairs early and write this, but all I did was ate a couple chocolate bars and watched a couple more short videos on Youtube, then turned the light off, got comfortable preparing to start writing, and found myself growing more and more tired. Because it always happens that way. So I reluctantly set my laptop aside, laid down, thought back on the day and talked as if I was talking to Jen about the letter she was going to receive, and how I hoped it would brighten her day and bring a smile to her face, and drifted off shortly after that.

It's pretty ridiculous to think that at this time in only one week, I'll be working on Flight Rising and my usual morning stuff, then getting things together, and giving Jen a call to figure out when she wants to meet up. That it's been two months since we've seen each other. That all of my efforts and all the things I want to do and give to and tell her are a single digit number of days away. It is exciting, quite obviously, but all the same, the quiet question remains, "What am I going to work toward afterward?". Other productive things. Like my resume, and getting things set up with Family Service Kent. But all the same, I don't want to think about those yet, because I'm still focused on seeing Jen again.

...and now we're getting into the things I've wanted to writ e about for anywhere from a couple days to a week or more now.

Taking a big step back and looking at things overall, I feel like there have been a lot of major changes, or will be alot of major changes in my life between the beginning of June and end of September of this year. From moving out of the apartment and ultimately breaking up with Jen, to work closing sometime in mid-September, these four months - Summer of 2015, if you will - have been very eventful to me. And as if that wasn't enough, something else that has considerable implications for me was brought to my attention back on Friday night.

I was working drive thru, and my second customer of the night was Michele, and with her, in the driver's seat, somebody who I presumed to be her daughter. It was unusual to see her there, as I've never, ever seen her in the drive thru or dining room before, and indeed, before she pulled up, I was stood perplexed, trying to work out who would joke "You know! The beans that make you toot!" and laugh like they were expecting me to get it when I couldn't discern "bean" from "beef" over the headset. She had news to share. News to the effect of the office closing in August of this year. Oh, yes indeed. Not only is work - the place I have been employed at for almost ten years - closing in September, but the Chatham Heart and Stroke office - a place where I have volunteered for at least longer than I've worked - is closing in August. It's hard to believe. Staggering, almost. I wish I could say how long I've been volunteering there, both for interest's sake, and because it's going to be a relevant piece of information on my resume, but all I can think is that I started there back when we were at the old office back when it was up near the mall, and it wasn't until we were at the new office, on Queen St, that I started working, because I remember still not being adjusted to closing, and commenting to Michele about how much I disliked it. I want to say I've been there for close to fifteen years, but she'll have to dig out my application, or I'll have to go back into the earliest of my entries here and find where I started to mention it. Which is the even more staggering thing.

Now, just because I've gotten hung up on this before, I know I've gone through major life events before. Things with Lee and Shawn, and money, for the most part. That fact accepted in the context of what I'm about to say, every single major life event I've gone through has happened either since I've been at Heart and Stroke, or since I've been at Taco Bell, and both places are set to be closing within two months from today. Just think about that. It feels like the sort of thing that I'm the only one who could fully appreciate, but it is honestly on the verge of mindblowing.

Heart and Stroke goes back to when I was still on and off active at Dragon Realms. I'd sit in that back office in the heat of summer, stinking the chair up with my sweat because I wore shorts back then, going on there and writing blog entries and probably posting things in the forums when I was supposed to be working on P2P receipting. At the new office, I still remember a day where, I'd stayed overnight at Josh's house the night before, and not slept at all, because I cared more about sneaking onto his computer and downloading stuff than sleeping, and, at Heart and Stroke, I would go on Acmlm's Board, and Flash Flash Revolution, since we didn't have an internet connection at home. I mean, before I learned that Heart and Stroke was closing, I was already thinking about how it was kind of crazy that virtually everything that's happened in my life has happened since I started at the job that I'm at now, but with Heart and Stroke, it goes back even further, covering pretty well everything that didn't happen when I was younger.

Everything from Dragon Realms to going to the furmeet in London with Squnq back when Stitch and his mate / roommate hosted it as opposed to Cola and Madius... What felt like years of constant on-and-off insecurity and envy-fueled depression, including things with snow leopards, and any and all of my personal interests, and Feathertail, and everything that's happened with Jen in the time we've known each other... What I would like to do is take a day or two to myself once work actually closes to look back through my old entries, and write a retrospective about all the things I've been through, and how I've changed in regards to them since, and where I am now. I want to recognize that, inside of these four months, virtually everything I knew or which was a constant about life will be changing, and I don't know if it's life wanting to give me a fresh start, or just coincidence.

Also at work the other night, I saw one of the delivery guys from Pizza Tonite. Not Frenchie, as Orlando calls him, but the other one. We chatted for a bit, and I told him about how the place would be closing in September, which he seemed shocked at, and he asked if i was still living with my parents over on Wellington. I told him yes, and, not really thinking about it, just went right in to telling him how I was thinking about 74 King in the mid-distant future when it came to finding a place for myself. I told him I liked the area, and he agreed, then he gave me a $3 tip, I got him his food gave him a free drink, felt really sorry for him because he seemed actually kind of bothered that Taco Bell would be closing, and he went on his way. Is this actually going to be a thing? If reasonably priced single bedroom apartments are available there, is it seriously going to become a future goal to look into vacancies and the possibility of moving there? As I wrote previously, I do like the area, as well as the people, and regardless of work, I could get wherever I needed to go, but... it's so sudden. It's not that I don't want it, because all other practicality and whatnot aside, if I could move there within the next couple months, provided rent and living expenses were manageable, I would. Rent and other expenses are my biggest concern, I think, but overall, I don't want to live here until mom and dad start pushing me to find a place of my own. It feels empowering to have bought my own laundry soap, and bread to make toast for breakfast. It makes me feel really good to be able to provide for myself, and not have to rely on other people. I actually want that independence, and I feel like I'm finally saying that for the first time in my life. I don't want to have to rely on my parents, or Jen, or anybody else.

That said, I have a list here that I made up at work on Friday night of all these changes, and for the sake of interest, I'll put it in here too:

a] Moving out of the apartment - the place I called home for ~2 years, and back in with my parents, expecting to see Jen some of the time, but to be at home the rest
b] The sudden, unexpected break-up with Jen
c] Fully moving back into my parents' house
d] Looking into counseling at Family Service Kent, which will be a life first for me
e] Having uncertain but positive thoughts about investigating moving to 74 King within the next 12 months
f] Meeting up with Jen in one week's time, after two months apart - with regards to friends / personal relationships with people, another life first for me
g] Heart and Stroke closing in August
h] Work closing on September

Once again, this is all inside of four months. Am I wrong to see this as kind of a big deal? I'm not freaking out about it or anything, but after so long of things being steady and constant - some more than others - for the longest time, everything's just changing, including myself, and it's kind of remarkable.

The previous time I started writing about these things, I started to get more and more tired just as I was getting into stuff about depression. I had gone back in my mind to Dragon Realms, and was recalling seeing somebody else's on-site journal post about their life going great making me feel like mine was crap, and having that same perception elsewhere too. I can still remember making my first post to the help and advice subforum over that, and - I cringe thinking about it now - lamenting how I doubted that I really was a dragon, because a majority of the "What mythical creature are you?" quizzes i took on Quizilla and whatnot gave me a phoenix as my result. I shake my head at myself to look back on those days, but I remember, that actually got me really bothered back then. I cried myself to sleep one night over feeling like I didn't fit in to the one place I wanted to, but even so, it was so much easier back then. I have a theory, and please, anybody who has read this far, please tell me what you think:

I believe that a person's psyche starts out entirely whole and undamaged. Over time, through various life experiences, it can be worn at, and repairing the damage isn't as easy as, say, applying a band-aid to a cut.

Back with those things that happened at Dragon Realms, to liken depression to digging in the sand, the worst I felt was as if somebody was idly wedging their shovel in, to move the sand aside. To look at things with Jen, on the other hand, since that will be the most recent depressive event in my life, it was as if the same person was stabbing the shovel with all their might down into the deepest part of the hole. Is it possible to ever recover from that, or have I become so desensitized to depression over the years that what happened at Dragon Realms would be normal to be now, and I only notice the really severe stuff?

Regardless for now, things that happened back in those days are going to be fascinating to think about over the next little while. Comparing my life to other peoples' at Dragon Realms is, for the time being, the earliest memory I have of that type of insecurity. That was back when my interests started to deviate from Josh's, and I kept them to myself because I didn't know what he would think. Both at Dragon Realms and Acmlm's Board, I was interacting with people almost exclusively online, and even with Acmlm's, the whole Xkeeper debacle saw it taken down, and I can still vaguely see that colors.php code in my mind, with the SQL to drop all the forums' tables, and the chill and hatred and despair and anger that ran through me all at once when I saw how little somebody else cared for something that meant so much to me. I made over 1,000 posts there, which, for me, was an accomplishment. To be that involved. And then it was stripped away. Exactly how much did those events contribute to me being the way I am today?

Those thoughts can all wait for another day though. Perhaps with a counselor at Family Service Kent, if and when they become relevant. For now, I think I've said everything that I wanted to say, which I'm actually pretty pleased with, and now it's time to get as much done toward Flight Rising as I can before Trish and Ericka get home and I put my earphones in and hide from them bothering me. It may not be an ideal solution, but it works~

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