Karadur Inacu  (karadur) wrote,
Karadur Inacu 

I Did a Thing

I feel so interesting right now.

For the fact that the reason why I feel interesting happened several hours ago, I feel like the sensation largely should have passed, but it's kind of a giddiness, in a way. Of something new, and different, but I don't want to say what it is in here, because there's only one other person period who knows what I'm referring to, so I'll shut up on that topic now.

It's still been an interesting night. And an interesting afternoon.

When the day started, I woke up at just about 11am, per usual. Came downstairs, worked on Flight Rising, ate breakfast, even though I didn't quite feel like eating, then busied myself with my own things. I wanted to be productive, and not just sit and not do anything in particular, so I worked on my resume. Tried to flesh out details of working at Taco Bell, and volunteering at Heart and Stroke some more, and tried to format the thing more nicely in general, but the problem is there's still what looks to me like too much white space at the bottom of the page.

I have an objective - "to apply skills from past work experience to a new job, and be an asset in a new working environment" - I have my work experience as being from Taco Bell and Heart and Stroke, from 2005 and 2003 to 2015 respectively, I have my education listed as Chatham Collegiate Institute, from 2000 to 2004, having received my grade 12 diploma, and I want to make mention of the award or whatever it was I received for something to do with the music class in grade 12, but I can't remember what the details were, and in all honesty, I got that only by default. And I don't know what else to do. I thought about adding a reason for leaving underneath both items of work experience, but Google results suggested I not do that, and I know that's something the interviewer would ask me anyway. I thought about listing my hobbies, and / or interests, and I was actually going to put crafts in there as one of them, but logically - and this partly comes from Google once again - any such interests I may list should be relevant to the job I am seeking. So there's that to figure out, and honestly, my best bet for the moment would be to show it to mom, dad, and Adam tomorrow and see if they have any suggestions or advice to offer.

After finishing working on that, I went back to reading random things - about Stuart Ashens on TVTropes - until Jen messaged me, and then we talked for a bit. We talked about how we both felt so done from the events of yesterday, and we both asked her how we were feeling, and at some point, I told her once again that I was sorry for overreacting, and asked if she was upset with me, and about the day in general, to which she said she didn't want to think about it too much, because her brain was already mush. Something in me didn't like that so much that I hesitated for a few moments, then sent her the last two messages I would send her for the rest of the afternoon and evening: "imma just do it", and "I'm sorry if this doesn't turn out well, but I want to do it, for me, and for you". Just as quickly as I finished typing those, I got up, went upstairs, got dressed, grabbed my keys, and fast-walked and even ran for a bit over to her house. I knocked on the back door a couple times, but she didn't hear me, so I went around and knocked on the front door, then motioned for her to come to the back, and when she did, I told her why I'd come.

"I've come here as a friend, to give you a hug".

She looked so absolutely unsure of what to do that I felt my entire intent might have been wasted, but we hugged anyway, as I explained that she legitimately didn't deserve everything that had happened to her. We talked for just a minute, still standing there on the back porch, before she said that if we were going to continue to talk, we should go inside.

Over the course of the next several hours, we talked largely about everything other than the reasons that had prompted me to head over in the first place. We talked about being friends, and how she wasn't sure we could even still be friends, with how she didn't want to depend on me, and how I was apparently unable to let go of my feelings for her, and in the worst of it all, it seemed like I was actually going to lose her as a friend too.

It's hard to believe that just as true as it is that that happened, it's also true that within the same afternoon / evening, we were there, in the kitchen, while I made Kraft Dinner with hot dogs for supper, and she worked on folding laundry. Then we watched a random video by jacksepticeye (or "Jacky Boy", as she's taken to calling him) and ate, and after that, got back onto other things. It was the second time that I would explain it to her, but I reminded her of something that she unknowingly taught me while we were together. That if you want something, and it's within reason to have it, to seize the opportunity and take it. To not let that chance pass you by in anticipation of it coming 'round again. With what happened tonight, and is the same thing I said I'd shut up about above, I told her that I wanted it to happen, because I wasn't sure if I'd ever have the chance again, and it did, and was quite a bit different than I always thought it would be.

We talked about general things for a bit, and laughed far too much at her mispronouncing some word, and things were fun again for a time, but she eventually commented that it was getting pretty late, and she and Audra had a Skype date, since Audra will be unavailable after tonight, so we needed to come back down to reality, and figure out how - if possible in any way - we were going to proceed.

I'd outlined an idea to her one of the times we were at the back porch while she was smoking, and she asked for more details then, later. We clearly need time to work on ourselves. We clearly need time to get over having been with each other for two and a half years, and be alright with being on our own again. One of the other things she asked while we were outside is if anybody that I talked to here had given me potentially false hope of getting back together, because yes, that absolutely did happen. Even if I said I didn't want to latch on to the idea, it did happen. But back upstairs, we came to an agreement. From tonight, through the foreseeable future, we will see each other only once every two weeks. Once every other Tuesday or Thursday, and if there's some week where she's not up for properly having me as company, we can still go out to Coffee Culture or Tim Hortons or such. To start, the time we spend together will be shorter than it has been - 3 or 4 hours - which to me honestly doesn't seem like enough time, but is something I'm willing to accept, because it's what she wants, and it's about time I started letting her have her way. Not to mention as time goes on, and we start to become more comfortable with boundaries that have to be laid out as friends, we'll be able to hang out for longer, and have more time to do things, which, compared to the alternative of her not being a part of my life entirely, is incredibly preferable.

And the rest of the time? It will be for us to work on ourselves. For her to once again be able to wake up in the morning and smile and feel good about herself, and for me to get out of this extremely narrow focus of vision I've had for almost three years, if not longer now, and worry more about myself, and less about Jen. It's not an easy thought. To just type it like that I get a bit anxious and panicky, but to hold on to anything else is to be unfair to her, and to expect things for me that are going to create that rift between us that causes us to lose contact entirely.


I look back on what I've written of this entry a couple hours later, and I still want to post it, but I'm not sure where I was going before, or how to come to a conclusion.

When I left Jen's place tonight, I figured she would be heading to bed after talking with Audra, and that we'd have to wait until tomorrow to talk again, at earliest. To my surprise, I received a message from her at ~1am, and we talked, almost all the way up until 4. We talked about the night in general, and there was alot of giddiness present for what happened for me, and for her, and for both of us, and we were more positive than we've ever been since we met up on Sunday. I even told her that, talking to her in that moment, I felt better about things than ever before, from Sunday until now, and she had the same, which is just... so amazing that I don't even know how to say it. I know I'm supposed to worry about myself first, and I know I should leave her be with her own things, but to go from crying and being emotional because we thought we were going to lose each other as friends to our friendship starting down a whole different, much stronger path because of the events of the night is not something I expected, and for her to say that she was feeling better than she ever had been before herself almost made me cry with happiness.

By all rights, she should be upset with me for deciding I'd just invite myself over to give her a hug, but she was also agreeing that she liked the way the night ended up. The night ended up the way it did because of what we did together, which is the difficult part, because I want to be able to say, especially because putting it that way could cause one's mind to wander, and I'm overjoyed that she's happier to have unexpectedly hung out for a bit today.

I am repeating myself now though, so I should just post this. To LJ-cut or not to LJ-cut? I suppose I will this time, since I didn't previously. Now where would be a good place to put it?

  • I Know What It Is

    I wish I could easily skim through all of my old entries here and try to pinpoint something. Specifically, I want to know when it was that I started…

  • Random Entry for November

    Prediction: I'll end up becoming too tired to stay awake before I've finished writing, and by the time tomorrow gets here and I'm sat with my laptop…

  • A Limited (But Lengthy) Update

    Been a long time since I wrote in here, and even longer since I recalled a weird dream, but I had a couple last night that still stand out, and I'd…

  • Post a new comment


    Anonymous comments are disabled in this journal

    default userpic

    Your reply will be screened

    Your IP address will be recorded