I had started to write, be it to be posted as an entry in here, or to show Jen just on her own, or to find somewhere else to put it and send her a link to about recent events. And since I still have it written out, I'm going to just include it in here, and see what my mind in a more properly functioning state of mind makes of it. First, though, some background information about the past few days.
On Wednesday night after work, I came home, feeling pretty tired and worn out, and was figuring on just talking to Jen for a bit in Skype before calling it a night, and going to lay down. She ended up more or less inviting me over, saying that the invitation was there, but it was up to me. Her vision of the night was for us to hang out for a bit, have something to eat, and for me to head back home after that. I liked the idea of hanging out, but I was pretty full, and pretty tired, so I wasn't much up for the idea of doing anything, and even declined at first, but the more I sat there, and the more I thought about how I didn't have to eat anything, and really could just sit there and enjoy her company if that's all I wanted to do, then that's all I had to do, and if I found myself getting too tired to keep my eyes awake, I could say so, and we could call it a night then and there. So I went over. I grabbed the doodles that I've been working on, and a margarine tub for of cookies to have as nibbly things, and off I went.
What, normally, would have been a couple hours hanging out turned into the rest of the night, and pretty well all of the next day, right up until ~9pm, and that's where what I was writing last night comes in. It's unfinished, and I'm not about to go through and change all approximate time references, so just keep in mind that when I say "last night" and such, it refers to Wednesday night, after work:
Looking back at things since Friday night, we've been talking alot. For a little bit every morning, then more once she's gotten Conner up for the day, and sometimes even after work, if we're both awake. It's been exciting and fun and our conversations have generally been pretty fast-paced, but last night was the first night that didn't happen. We chatted for a bit, and I told her about things I would eventually like to be able to do together, and we both talked about how we were feeling, but the same spark just wasn't there. As I already wrote yesterday, I started writing, at the same time as I was listening to music, then I found myself just really wanting to lay down, so I did, and passed out pretty well until Adam woke me up coming down the stairs to get ready for work. Went upstairs after that, and laid down properly, which pretty well brings us up to now.
How do I let go of the vague notion of us getting back together? How do I not take very hesitant thoughts she reveals and latch onto them, even if I'm not meaning to? How do I be strong enough in myself to tell her "You would make me the happiest person in the world", and still be okay with us just being friends? How do I once again set my feelings for her aside, and fully recognize and appreciate that she still wants to be strong for herself first, and to try to not - again, not deliberately - see the tiniest crack in her aura of independence and wiggle my own feelings in there?
To be blunt, I hope, and I would be overjoyed if the day came where Jen and I were more than friends again. I would be absolutely freaking ecstatic, and I would cry tears of pure joy, and I'd probably end up staying awake for at least a day and a half riding that high, but... it can't be. It can't be, it can't be, it can't be. Even if, to her mind, it could be, I need to tell myself that it can't be, because thinking anything else is unfair to either one, or both of us.
Toward the idea I described in the LJ-cut above about wanting to one day find that other person whom I love, and who loves me, to just lay out and relax like that and snuggle with, yeah, I absolutely want for that to happen. I get quite giddy at the thought, because it sounds so beyond perfect that I don't even know the words to describe it.
But that shouldn't be all I want in a relationship, and it's not. Being able to lay out like that and hold the other person close is to share something incredibly personal, just like it was for say, the first time Jen and I were doing things, and I blew up a balloon. I do want to share it, but because that idea is still so new and fresh in my head, it's hard to just let go of.
I do want to lay out like that again. I want to just get comfortable and for the only thing that matters within that moment to be feeling comfortable, but though it may be hard, I need to accept that for now, that's something that will happen on my own. I'm glad to know that our hanging out can continue, just as I'm glad to know that, on Tuesday, I can bring one of my unused clear storage containers over, to keep a pair of comfy pants to always have there in, as well as chocolate and other snacky things for when the mood strikes, but... the desire for more is still there. While it's been surprisingly easy to go back to occasionally giving her a hug, and then always telling her "Bye bye for now", I still feel like I'm forgetting to say one thing, and do one other thing at the same time. Force of habit is a hard thing to break, I guess.
I could sit here and be all slightly wistful for the rest of the afternoon though.
What needs to happen for today is...
I need to accept that this is where I am in life right now. That I have wants, and maybe even Jen has wants, but this is where we are, and trying to hope for or encourage anything else to happen is going to aggravate what was previously a decently pleasant situation.
I need to get on with my day, obviously via Flight Rising, and watching things on Youtube.
I need to consider if I want to take care of errands this afternoon before work or wait until Monday and Tuesday afternoon.
And most importantly, I need to just feel alright. If I'm not in the mood to talk when Jen wakes up and messages me in Skype, then I don't need to, but knowing her, she's going to read this, and we'll end up talking anyway, because we're still just like that, and seriously, for as long as we're even just friends, I want to be like that, where we still talk about what's important to the other person.