Karadur Inacu  (karadur) wrote,
Karadur Inacu 

The Current State of Things

There's something almost unpleasant about coming downstairs and seeing unfinished reminders of the night before. In today's case, it's a couple bits of garbage from Tim Hortons, my work bag still sitting on the chair over there instead of being upstairs, and all of my things being pushed to one side of the couch, when I decided that what I really wanted to do was to lay down, and ended up passing out right there until sometime around 5 in the morning.

I had started to write, be it to be posted as an entry in here, or to show Jen just on her own, or to find somewhere else to put it and send her a link to about recent events. And since I still have it written out, I'm going to just include it in here, and see what my mind in a more properly functioning state of mind makes of it. First, though, some background information about the past few days.

On Wednesday night after work, I came home, feeling pretty tired and worn out, and was figuring on just talking to Jen for a bit in Skype before calling it a night, and going to lay down. She ended up more or less inviting me over, saying that the invitation was there, but it was up to me. Her vision of the night was for us to hang out for a bit, have something to eat, and for me to head back home after that. I liked the idea of hanging out, but I was pretty full, and pretty tired, so I wasn't much up for the idea of doing anything, and even declined at first, but the more I sat there, and the more I thought about how I didn't have to eat anything, and really could just sit there and enjoy her company if that's all I wanted to do, then that's all I had to do, and if I found myself getting too tired to keep my eyes awake, I could say so, and we could call it a night then and there. So I went over. I grabbed the doodles that I've been working on, and a margarine tub for of cookies to have as nibbly things, and off I went.

What, normally, would have been a couple hours hanging out turned into the rest of the night, and pretty well all of the next day, right up until ~9pm, and that's where what I was writing last night comes in. It's unfinished, and I'm not about to go through and change all approximate time references, so just keep in mind that when I say "last night" and such, it refers to Wednesday night, after work:

I experienced something truly amazing last night.

For a solid hour, if not longer, I felt good. I felt happy, and I felt whole, and I felt complete, and I had not a care in the world. All I wanted to do was lay in bed with Jen, and feel my entire body buzzing with warmth, and to hold her arm warily, but warmly.

And it kills me, because I want to not have to dance around the topic, but I know it's for the best, but it would still be so much easier to just say "This is a thing now", and be able to write about it cautiously but freely.

As I write this, I'm listening to the same song we listened to probably six or seven times in a row while we laid in bed, and it's interesting. I used to be able to do what I'm doing now - write and listen to music at the same time - but over time, it became harder and harder to focus on both things at once. Now, however, it's just what I need. I need the warm and sounds to keep me going - to give me something to focus on - because otherwise I sit here feeling a little off compared to normal, but with nothing to do for it.

Some entirely unexpected words were exchanged between Jen and I last night. Most of them from her to me, and all of them things that I still want to take and hide away and treasure, so they don't get damaged. We unexpectedly spent the night together, and I had a really nice time waking up before her in the morning and getting Conner some food and a bottle, and sitting downstairs to make sure he was alright while he ran around. We had omelettes with bell peppers in - quite the shock for me! - for a late lunch / early supper, then decided we should call it a night, because Jen needed some time to herself.

And I keep going back to it.

I keep thinking about last night, and how incredible it was.

For all that I wanted was to just lay out and be comfortable...

For both of us to start dozing off...

To wake up early-ish in the morning really having to pee, and unintentionally waking her up while trying to get up without disturbing her. I was so worried about spoiling the mood, and that for as nice as it had been to lay together, the fact that we were both awake would mean it was time for me to go home. And she didn't even say that I could wait for her upstairs, but indicated without words that that was what I should do.

To have regrets about the past that I'm trying not to get stuck in. Regrets based on current events, and things that could have happened if the time was right back when we were together, and would have been so much more incredible for us being together.

To walk home, and have a very lucid conversation with myself about how the one and only thing I wanted out of life right now was to find somebody - be it Jen, one day, or somebody else - to be as close as she and I once were that we could lay out in the same way as she and I did last night, but to snuggle while doing so, and for them to be there to just make the entire trip a hundred times better.

And I don't want to make it difficult for Jen, because she's having a hard enough time with things as is.

I was trying to describe it last night before we fell asleep, through tears. I was trying to describe how it felt so off to be laying right next to her, but to not feel that same connection. To know her, and to know who she was, and to know what she used to be to me, and what we used to be to each other, but to no longer feel the love, quite simply. To no longer feel so connected and intimate with her that she warmed my heart to just be close to, and was the one and only thing I both wanted and needed in that moment.

And I don't want to make her uncomfortable. Even for her reading this eventually, I don't want to say anything that would cause her to withdraw into herself again. I want to respect her, and I want to love her from afar, even if only as a friend, and I want her to know that though I admire her want and need to be independent, I'll still always be there if she needs a shoulder to cry on, or somebody to talk to.

And it's complicated, but I feel like we're going in circles now.

I need a couple normal days, I think. Ever since last Friday, so almost a week ago, things have been quite new and up in the air, and I haven't had barely a chance to sit and collect myself and catch my breath and just feel normal again. We have plans to hang out this coming Tuesday, so at worst, we won't actually see each other until Tuesday, but that's looking to be a fun day already. At least mom and I have appointments to get our hair cut, then I want to start making supper for Jen and I, then she's supposed to be working within the next few days on something for us to do, which, the more I think about it, sounds really exciting and like it'll be fun. For all the unexpected hanging out that we've been doing since making our two weeks agreement, I haven't remembered to bring my pokey once yet either, so there'll be that, and snacky things, and something to watch or some music to listen to, and we can just hang out, because I've come to really enjoy just hanging out and not even doing anything specific with her.

Looking back at things since Friday night, we've been talking alot. For a little bit every morning, then more once she's gotten Conner up for the day, and sometimes even after work, if we're both awake. It's been exciting and fun and our conversations have generally been pretty fast-paced, but last night was the first night that didn't happen. We chatted for a bit, and I told her about things I would eventually like to be able to do together, and we both talked about how we were feeling, but the same spark just wasn't there. As I already wrote yesterday, I started writing, at the same time as I was listening to music, then I found myself just really wanting to lay down, so I did, and passed out pretty well until Adam woke me up coming down the stairs to get ready for work. Went upstairs after that, and laid down properly, which pretty well brings us up to now.

How do I let go of the vague notion of us getting back together? How do I not take very hesitant thoughts she reveals and latch onto them, even if I'm not meaning to? How do I be strong enough in myself to tell her "You would make me the happiest person in the world", and still be okay with us just being friends? How do I once again set my feelings for her aside, and fully recognize and appreciate that she still wants to be strong for herself first, and to try to not - again, not deliberately - see the tiniest crack in her aura of independence and wiggle my own feelings in there?

To be blunt, I hope, and I would be overjoyed if the day came where Jen and I were more than friends again. I would be absolutely freaking ecstatic, and I would cry tears of pure joy, and I'd probably end up staying awake for at least a day and a half riding that high, but... it can't be. It can't be, it can't be, it can't be. Even if, to her mind, it could be, I need to tell myself that it can't be, because thinking anything else is unfair to either one, or both of us.

Toward the idea I described in the LJ-cut above about wanting to one day find that other person whom I love, and who loves me, to just lay out and relax like that and snuggle with, yeah, I absolutely want for that to happen. I get quite giddy at the thought, because it sounds so beyond perfect that I don't even know the words to describe it.

But that shouldn't be all I want in a relationship, and it's not. Being able to lay out like that and hold the other person close is to share something incredibly personal, just like it was for say, the first time Jen and I were doing things, and I blew up a balloon. I do want to share it, but because that idea is still so new and fresh in my head, it's hard to just let go of.

I do want to lay out like that again. I want to just get comfortable and for the only thing that matters within that moment to be feeling comfortable, but though it may be hard, I need to accept that for now, that's something that will happen on my own. I'm glad to know that our hanging out can continue, just as I'm glad to know that, on Tuesday, I can bring one of my unused clear storage containers over, to keep a pair of comfy pants to always have there in, as well as chocolate and other snacky things for when the mood strikes, but... the desire for more is still there. While it's been surprisingly easy to go back to occasionally giving her a hug, and then always telling her "Bye bye for now", I still feel like I'm forgetting to say one thing, and do one other thing at the same time. Force of habit is a hard thing to break, I guess.

I could sit here and be all slightly wistful for the rest of the afternoon though.

What needs to happen for today is...

I need to accept that this is where I am in life right now. That I have wants, and maybe even Jen has wants, but this is where we are, and trying to hope for or encourage anything else to happen is going to aggravate what was previously a decently pleasant situation.

I need to get on with my day, obviously via Flight Rising, and watching things on Youtube.

I need to consider if I want to take care of errands this afternoon before work or wait until Monday and Tuesday afternoon.

And most importantly, I need to just feel alright. If I'm not in the mood to talk when Jen wakes up and messages me in Skype, then I don't need to, but knowing her, she's going to read this, and we'll end up talking anyway, because we're still just like that, and seriously, for as long as we're even just friends, I want to be like that, where we still talk about what's important to the other person.




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