Karadur Inacu  (karadur) wrote,
Karadur Inacu 

It's satisfying, but also kind of weird.

For the first time in a couple days, I have done everything there is to be done in Flight Rising, pending looking into the Coliseum, because I've been thinking about that more again lately.

So why haven't I gotten to it? Other priorities, mostly. Everything since about Saturday night after work is just a blur, and if I had to guess why I've been feeling kind of off lately, it's because of that deviation from routine, not having anything concrete to focus on other than work to break up the day, and other general lapses in memory from things that have been going on.

Jen and I have been seeing each other a lot lately. Going back to Saturday, I saw her in the afternoon because she kept going on about lasagna in Skype, and I decided it would be fun to go to Giant Tiger and buy her a frozen lasagna so she could be satisfied. After work the same night - I got done early - we talked for a bit more online, and I ended up going over there to have supper with her. Lasagna and garlic bread, which was really quite tasty, especially when she showed me her idea to make a sandwich, which was even better. We saw each other again on Sunday, for just a general hangout night, but when we finally started noticing the time, it was after 6am, and she deliberated for a bit before pretty much saying what the hell to me staying the night. We obviously saw each other on Monday, because I was still there in the morning, and I think after work that night, I just stayed here and did whatever, though there's a very good possibility we hung out for a bit longer.

Noticing a trend yet?

Continuing on, Tuesday was our first official proper plans to have supper and do things together and everything night. The macaroni I made was incredibly cheesy and tasty, and it makes me feel really good that she liked it enough to want me to make it again, because it was quite easy to put together. I got to try out something she put ~10 hours of work into, and looking back now, I can say I liked it, and do want to try it again, but for the first time, I was naiive, and should've listened to her advice to not be overambitious and try to take the entire thing in one go, because I felt quite strongly like I was going to be sick for a solid 5 minutes, if not longer. Past that, we watched stuff online, and she wanted to go over to the bed to have a cigarette, where I joined her, making a little shelter out of pillows to protect myself from the smoke. I have to assume we were just comfy enough on the bed that we didn't want to lay down after that, because the only other details I remember are her saying she wanted to get more comfy, and me asking if it was alright if I came up and laid beside her. It was ~1am then, and the next time I noticed the clock, it was 5 something. We'd fallen asleep - I'm sure supper had a fair bit to do with that - and it was nice. We actually snuggled our way off to sleep, which was pretty unexpected, but not entirely, because it had already happened on Sunday night. Even if it didn't directly mean anything, it was so incredibly nice to just hold her and feel her body against mine, and to drift off to sleep like that.

I can't remember exactly how we came to it from there, but before 6, we were up again, back sitting at her computer watching something or whatever. I know we went back to sleep, and were out until about 1:30pm, but I still distinctly recall both of us being awake for the better part of an hour.

Now here's where it gets interesting. I still find her attractive. I can't speak for her, but let's assume for the sake of argument that she still does me too. As a result of our snuggling, and me wearing just loose-fitting comfy pants, she may have felt something once or twice, and it may have put ideas in her head and made her feel a certain way.

All I can say for certain is that if I had any less respect for myself and for her, we would very likely have ended up getting up to things right then and there. But the thing is, I thought about that long before. Back during the two months, I found myself wondering what it would be like if we were to encounter that circumstance, and I decided without hesitation that I respected her more than that. I know friends with benefits is a thing, from her, no less, but that's not me. Had she said, that night there in bed, that she wanted to be with me again, in a very believable, serious way, then she would have immediately had my full attention, and we would have had a serious talk, to make sure she meant it, and if everything was still good from there, I would have done things to her that past me would have had a hard time even imagining. I would have been so ecstatic and giddy going into work that same night that nothing else would have mattered. Put me on drive thru for my entire seven hour shift? Okay! Have it be busy enough that we're still close to an hour getting out? Fine by me! But what actually happened is that she asked what would happen if we were to do things, and I, after much delay, answered along the lines of "If that happened, it would make me feel like we were together again, but I know you wouldn't agree, and it would be complicated", and we laid down relatively normally again.

I want her.

I really, really want her, for her. For who she is to me.

But every time it comes up - both in a sexual way and not, just to clarify - she says that it's complicated, and that we are both better off just being friends, but she still can't help but wonder.

And I want to be kind of rude about that and ask her "In your mind, what makes us better off just being friends, with how things have changed and are changing compared to when we were together before?", but from the 2nd all the way up until now, I have felt and stood by that I do not want to pressure her, or force her into anything she's not comfortable with. I would just like to know, to her mind, what's holding her back. Is it that she still wants to be independent? Is it that she's worried I would relapse back into the way I used to be? Going back at least a week, there was a night where I tried to explain to her that I wasn't perfect, and that even as friends, we were still going to have some difficulties to deal with, but what is it? What is it that leaves her unable or unwilling to see my outstretched hand, and reach out herself to grab it?

These are difficult questions. They come from the heart, in that I would very much like to know why we can only be friends, but if I have the reasons, I'm going to have something concrete to work at changing, even if I don't mean to. I also don't want to scare her off of the way things have been, because as she herself commented, it's really nice still being able to have that level of comfort with each other. It's just incredibly confusing for me because it really, really does still feel like all the potential is there, but she doesn't know what she wants. For the record as well, this is something I could - and probably should - have talked to her directly about, but for me, it's not that sort of thing just yet. They're thoughts that have been kicking around in my head for a little while, but to talk directly to her would be to say "I want to figure out how to move forward from this", when all I really want to say is "I've been thinking about these things, and it's come to the point where I need to write them down and get them off my mind".


This is not Skype, but I still feel compelled...



So in other news, thirteen days and counting. The new schedule was up at work last night, and shows that September 1st is the last day we'll be open, and also the day on which cleaning the place out will begin. Unfortunately, I have the day off, despite my request to work it, but when I looked at the schedule more closely, I came to wonder if I may not prefer things just the way they are. Monday is the last day that we'll be open and serving customers, and my last scheduled shift is Sunday. Orlando also closes on Sunday, but not on Monday. So do I want my last shift to be with Orlando, or do I want to ask Tom about switching shifts with him earlier in the week, and closing with Sara on Monday, so I can truly have the experience of telling that last person "Have a good night!" and closing the drive thru window for once and for all. It's a dilemma, but more than anything, with just less than two weeks to go, now is when I need to start looking for a new job. Because despite shock from nearly everybody who I've told or who has heard that I'm not returning to Taco Bell, I'm not. It's a fine job, but I want something new. I want to look back in another ten years and see myself having started out knowing barely anything, to just being that guy who people come to for answers, and who has that comfortable handle on the job. I keep thinking about Giant Tiger, very possibly because I've been shopping there alot lately...



I'm just going to end this here, because I've gotten sidetracked looking at job listings online, and talking to Jen... This one for Real Canadian Superstore looks decent, anyway...

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