Karadur Inacu  (karadur) wrote,
Karadur Inacu 

I Know What It Is

I wish I could easily skim through all of my old entries here and try to pinpoint something. Specifically, I want to know when it was that I started really wondering about who I was inside, and took the first step toward pinpointing and any / all of the factors contributing to the way my mind worked, in hopes of resolving the issues I was having back then. Maybe there's a way, but that's neither here nor there right at the moment, because I don't need the distraction. What matters is that however many years later, I have the answer. There are still a couple small details unaccounted for, but it's such a feeling to know that I have absolutely no reason to feel bad about myself because I'm different from just about everyone else I've encountered in life so far. So where did this begin?

Be me, April 21st, somewhere between 1 and 3 in the morning (I can't remember now). I was waiting for a pizza (to cook in the oven), which was actually going to the the title for the entry that I started to write back then, but realized was going to take way too long because I literally wanted to start from beginning and write about every point of influence between then and now in as much detail as I could manage. I was in a particularly good mood, owing to having had a really good shift at work, and an equally good before-work part of the day prior to that. I remember taking my rent check downstairs, coming back up and inside and sitting on the couch, and while I can't remember exactly why past personal issues were on my mind now, I was able to talk myself all the way back through all the years of insecurity and self-doubt that plagued me for so long, and provide solid, logic-based reasons for what had happened to make me that way. Spoilers, but want to know where it all started? For one, not having a proper internet connection at home for the longest time. Given the interest I already had in computers, plus the internet not even being a thing when I was younger, curiosity was only natural, especially about the "bad" things people talked about being available online. For two, I got my first laptop, by a time when we did have a stable connection. Sure, I used it downstairs for the first while, because I didn't so much as consider any other options, but I still remember the first night I came home from work at Taco Bell, and took it up to my room to talk to a coworker who turned out to be a furry too. Wherever you are, John / Zaz, I still smile when I think about our first conversation. Back to the point, it was only a matter of time from there until I started not bothering leaving my room at all, and the rest is history.

Now, in terms of determining the main underlying condition, back when I was still writing entries in here on a regular basis, I happened upon a Wikipedia page for a particular disorder, which seemed like something that might fit me at the time, but also that I wasn't 100% certain of. To be fair, there were alot of pages like that, and it was hard to know if any one particular thing was more relevant than the others, when all the information was new, and there was overlap everywhere. Such is the nature of trying to figure yourself out on your own, when you're miles away from being in the right headspace to do so though. The important thing is I was able to identify with some of what I was reading, but shelved those thoughts when I found my identity and niche as the cat man (other peoples' words, not mine) and managed to make some real-life friends who were into the same thing, and wondered if maybe that was all I needed all along.

It's been a while since then. Five years doesn't seem like enough, and ten seems like too many, but some number of years, and much personal development later I looked the page up again out of general curiosity. I wasn't expecting much - just to see if the points that were relatable before were still the same then - but it was like finding something I'd been looking for my whole life, and I cannot describe the incredible feeling of validation and empowerment I got from reading and re-reading it. Imagine having your subconscious gnaw away at something for a decade, if not more, and finally not having to wonder anymore. Imagine never being able to fully put away the feeling that you're broken and need to be fixed, and suddenly having a whole Wiki article in front of you supporting all of your deficiencies, and differences compared to "normal" people. Problem now is I want to be more specific, but I can't. This is my LiveJournal, and I should be able to write anything in here that I want to, but these are the secrets that I want to keep. Not like it'd be hugely devastating if something came out (the how and why would actually be more interesting than anything else), but I know what makes me me, I'm happy with who I am in that regard, and I don't have to tell anybody else for all of it to be valid.

The most recent realization I've come to maybe isn't such a positive thing (ask me if I care), and because it involves something I do want to share: I, inacu [nolastname], am a misanthrope. The mentality is something I started wondering about years ago, but put to the back of my mind because I felt like it was too negative. Thinking about it nowadays though, it's an integral piece to the current iteration of the puzzle. I'm not just trying to be different or edgy, and it's not like I actively dislike everyone I meet, but I've definitely become more... pessimistic and cynical, to put it mildly. On a vaguely more lighthearted note, the thing that helped me realize this was the first song on The Furry Album. Listen yourself, and you'll probably get what I'm referring to, but because I want there to be one more search result on DuckDuckGo for the phrase, there's a "long rambling nutshell" at the end containing, among other things, the incredibly colorful descriptor "piss-blithering shaven apes". Now I feel like I'm being negative, but I still smile so much at that part. Caveat about the furry thing in particular is that if I anybody asked nowadays, I would identify as not being a part of the fandom. I used to be, when I was still figuring myself out. By no means do I regret that period of my life either. I have a lot of really good, happy memories from back then, and furry as a whole played a big part in getting me to where I am today. Now, though? I'm just a snow leopard. I don't have a character. It's not something I manifest online. Hell, it's barely even something I manifest in real life. I'm just... me, and like I said once before already, I'm happy with that. I guess the one question I still need to answer is why I'm not really comfortable talking about myself, even in a medium that's not likely to be seen by anyone else. I wanted to write all of the above, because the idea's been on my mind for a while, but looking at everything I've typed so far, a small part of me wants to just delete everything, and just be content having these thoughts in my head. I won't though. This needs to amount to something.

Personal life aside, since I think that's about all for now, what about work, and family, since there have been developments in both areas?

Starting with work, things have leveled out more than they've improved, but I'm not at all saying that's a bad thing. Myself and the other two full-timers have assigned aisles now (mine are 7 through 10), which is exactly what I needed. Call me territorial or whatever, but no matter the job, I've never liked having other people in my space. I'm happy to work as part of a team, just separately, and as far as I can tell, the powers that be are happy with the way things are going. I'm happy for another reason too, being that between assigned aisles and having worked there more than a year now, the supervisor that frequently rubbed me the wrong way before has largely been tolerable since. Unsurprisingly, nothing ever came of the promises that were made on the back of the supervisor position being given to the other guy ("you're going to get a key to the store, but you need training first"), but it's been long enough since all that happened that I've stopped caring, and also that I've realized / decided being a supervisor would likely just interfere with me doing my job. I don't care about the extra money, assuming a raise is even involved. There's that expression that if you love what you do, you'll never work a day in your life, and while I assume there's lots of stuff about the job that I still haven't learned, I really do enjoy just throwing stuff on the shelf. Heck, it's not the first time, and won't be the last, but last time I worked, I punched out for my hour lunch break, and worked through the entire thing. That's not to say every day has been a breeze though...

Going back a few weeks, I was feeling almost as overworked and unappreciated as I did at Tim Hortons. I'd been working since the beginning of the year with only single days off (save for one week when one of the other guys was on vacation and I actually managed to get two in a row), and was really hoping for two. I couldn't see any reason myself why that shouldn't be possible, because one of the other full-timers always has Sunday and Monday off, but when I asked the grocery manager about having the same arrangement, he said that he likes having me work truck days, because I'm a hard worker, truck days being Sunday, Tuesday, Thursday, and Friday, for reference. Obviously I left that conversation highly frustrated, but over the couple days that followed, we were able to figure out a solution. I'm still only getting one day off at a time, but I've got two days off in a row coming in July, a week's worth of paid vacation to look forward to sometime in October (I plan to get through as much of my Christmas baking as possible), and the knowledge that I can book two days off in a row if / when I'm feeling the need for a break again in the future. I was also able to tell the grocery manager that I really like the job, and don't want to lose it on account of something silly like days off, and hear from him directly that he likes me too. Not a huge thing, but it does make a world of difference to know I'm appreciated. The only thing that remains is not knowing if I'm supposed to be getting a one-year review, but as of now, I'm content to just wait and see how long it takes them to figure it out. My hire date was May 14th, my first shift was the 31st, and I've easily worked 2,100+ hours by now, so all the reasons are there as far as I can tell. Fair enough the store's switching to franchised in a couple weeks though, so everyone in management probably has their heads full of fifteen other things at any given point in time.

As for family, there's really only one thing to talk about. After being in and out of the hospital for about half a year (mental care, not physical), Dad's come home for good again, except now he has Alzheimer's / dementia. To be completely honest, I feel very little about the whole thing unless I force it, but it's still weird. I want to know what happened to him. I want to know if this was something that had already started back when he refused to leave his room, before he went to the hospital, or if it's something that started to take over his mind while he was there. I want to be able to talk with him and try to figure out how he's feeling, but for one, I haven't got a clue what questions to ask, and for two, even if I did, I don't know if he has the mental capacity / awareness to be able to answer them. Back before he was discharged, Mom let all of us know what was happening, and suggested we might want to think about writing him a letter. Adam wrote him one almost straight away. Not sure about Naomi, because she's still in the US, but that was back in March, and I'm no closer to writing the first word. Hell, more like I've abandoned the idea, so I don't feel guilty every time I think about it. I wrote all of "Happy Birthday Dad!" in his birthday card a couple weeks ago, because I couldn't think of anything else, and I have the feeling the same is going to happen for Father's Day. I just... don't know. He comes here with Mom once a week to watch a couple episodes of the original MacGyver, as well as on my other night off for a movie, if he's feeling up to it, and maybe I should say that's better than nothing, but I still can't help feeling like I should be doing more. Who knows. Maybe this is the primary reason I've been seeing the personal changes that I have been recently. A need to distance myself from everything and everyone, so just in case something goes boom, I'll be relatively unaffected. I could also be talking nonsense because it's way past bedtime, but I think I deserve more credit than that.

It is about time I wrapped this up (6:55 already...) and tried to make myself tired though. Tomorrow needs to be laundry day, because I might be busy on my next day off, then Mom and Dad are supposed to be coming over. I'd also like to put in some time working in DVDs for Dad, as well as getting back in to Phoenix Wright. I recently picked up Justice for All again, and am up to Turnabout Beginnings, which I remember is the intro to the single case I started playing the series from the beginning again for, so that's exciting. I've even been bringing my 3DS to work, so as to have the option of playing on break, but then I work through my whole break, and days go by without it being touched. The next thing to do is establish that Melissa is actually Dahlia, and yes. I really am excited for it.

That's all for now though. Oh, actually, if anybody else is reading this, and has made it this far, do your ears a favor and go listen to Monstercat Instinct Vol. 7. I haven't stopped since I found it, and that was almost a month ago. Now though, I'm going to post this (and edit it to hell and back after the fact ha).

Until next time-

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