Proving I Did Something

It's not nearly the end of the day yet, but past this point I just intend to sit and force myself to relax with whatever. It's not the day I was expecting it to be, as I got completely sucked into a random task mid-afternoon, which took me much longer than expected in the end to complete, but ultimately, I'm glad I did it, and I just hope I can find the same sort of emotional motivation next weekend to tackle the next step.

What I actually did was went through a bin of stuff that had sat largely untouched since I moved in here, and ultimately sorted all of that out, as well as organized all of my paper files and government mailings. Whenever I get there, I want to go to Commercial Copy Center to buy and and attempt to make an envelope for all of my small things from going to visit Dan so many times before.

I threw away a good bit of stuff as well, but nothing of importance, and also found a fair few things - mostly from Jen - that I had forgotten about, which have been filed away in their own special place.

Originally, before all of that, I was planning to just try to chill out (as in a little bit of alcohol) in the afternoon, then walk some way up to Mom and Dad's to drop some DVDs and cookies off to Mom, then up to Wendys for supper, because their promotional burger and baked potato look amazing, then just resume whatever else for the rest of the night, but I couldn't.

Productivity and alcohol didn't mix in my mind for one thing, and dropping movies and cookies off to Mom was rendered moot when I decided I didn't have the money for Wendys this weekend after all, plus, I'm going over there tomorrow to do my laundry one more time, now that Theo's back with Adam and Trish.

I also want to do something proper different with whatever next day off if I am to go get that special supper, but for now, that's going to require reaching out and seeing what's available.

I'm not sure what else to say, but I guess I could divulge that I'm still planning a trip up to 7-11 when I'm done writing this. Some snacks from there will still be nice. Tomorrow marks the beginning of another week of work and not having this time to myself, so I intend to enjoy these few hours while they last~

An Update to Before

It almost happened, but then it didn't. And while I don't want to dwell, having to meet face to face changed a lot of the situation.

Did I make the right choice in the end?

Against all of my logic and reasoning toward being done, yes, I did. Emotion won out, and I would have lost alot of good in my life had things gone the other way.

Still, I said what I wanted to and made it clear what my stance was, and while there are some things that I still don't feel quite right about, but if we are to continue as friends, we'll definitely be talking more as we're able.

I would be lying if I said there weren't matters to be settled elsewhere too, but as of now, I'll be able to start on that Saturday, when I go to Mom and Dad's to do my laundry.

For now, it's been a hell of a two weeks, and the plans that I originally had for tomorrow have been postponed 'til Sunday, so I can go lay down as soon as I post this, and just sleep.

It's going to be nice.

On Unexpected Life Events

I wasn't planning to write one of these so soon at all, but I have the time right now, so I figure why not at least try to say something.

It's been a weird couple of weeks. I don't want to go into details right now, because I'm trying to just accept things for what they are and move on with my own life, but today was a rough time indeed. I woke up to what were some of the nastiest, most personal messages that I've ever received in my life, and from none other than a person who used to mean more to me than anything else. In some aspects, they were warranted, and I'll take it on the chin for not taking no for an answer the first time, but for the rest, I'm still blindsided to the point where I'm not sure if I should actually feel hurt, or just accept this as that it's time to move on.

I went for a ~3 hour long walk earlier to try and clear my head, and came to one conclusion: that I was at least ready to block said other person in Discord. Today may have been the end of us as friends. It's uncomfortable to think about and type that, after how long we've known each other, but I don't see how we could even be in the same room together after everything they said. I'm not trying to say it's all their fault either, as I most definitely share alot of the blame, but in this particular instance, they're the ones who sent the messages.

How to move forward from this? Wake up tomorrow and try to be better. Some sort of cliche advice like that. I'm really not sure yet, but I at least want to find some community to get involved in online.

I also feel like I'm starting to run out of energy for writing, so I'll just leave this here for now and see if looking back tomorrow brings any new thoughts to mind. I've done enough thinking about it for today.

An Open Letter to Steph

A preface: between Saturday, Sunday, and Monday earlier this week, I've been hard at work making cookies for Christmas. Chocolate and butterscotch chip, with chocolate chunks. I have three on the table in front of me as a matter of fact, and they look pretty tempting, but they're still semi-frozen. 3 batches a day, and one more round tomorrow, making ~12 bags of 3 dozen cookies each. I plan to wrap these up like Christmas presents and give them to various people, and originally I was planning to share some with Steph too, because she also bakes, but she's been getting ever more on my nerves and under my skin since she came back from leave, and I feel like tonight was the most abrasive of all.

And I know it's not right to say things like this behind a person's back, but I feel like I need to get it out, you know?

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Here's the thing though. When Shawn came in and we were talking at first, he said he would be coming in early Thursday morning to give me my review, and I plan to write down my questions and concerns, and bring those up then.

As for Steph, I plan to just ask / tell (if need be) her to leave me alone the next time we work together, and try to ignore her thereafter. I can at least try to look on the bright side and tell myself that the worst of this stretch must be over now, and I have plenty of other things to take my mind off work in the coming days. Cookies as before, mud pie for Michelle, cheesecake for Tom, and some nice mozzarella-stuffed meatballs for Christmas Day

I still think I want to make a hokey New Year's resolution to either drastically reduce my hours at or leave Taco Bell, and find a new, non-food-related job though. Food Basics ironically comes to mind for starters, and I know for fact that there are other offers to be found, if I just take the time to actually look.

I've been writing for an hour and a half now though, thereby depriving myself of the time I was going to lay and play Mario, so I'm going to be done here.

It is nice to have it out...

Early-Morning Ramble #187

The (prior) dilemma: to go, or not to go for an ~8:30am trip to Food Basics. I wanted to, because they have a 99-cent sale going on right now, but as I sat and worked on my list, the desire faded, and as I sat and continued to slouch further and further down, I concluded that my indecision came from most of the stuff on my list being things that I only want, and not need. There are some other things that I could stand to spend the money on, like more cereal for instance, but I don't need, say, another four packages of crumpets, when I still have the ones I bought the last time they ran the same sale. Perhaps once I've slept, and once I've taken the time to pare my list back, I'll go and look into the things that I actually need.

So that's settled for now, but when I first thought about writing an entry before bed, it was because of two other things on my mind.

First - and definitely more lighthearted, to Jen, Orlando, and Michelle. You all owe me $30 on or before the 14th, because apparently my having to be the responsible one and making our booking for my birthday has left me in charge of the bill. I want to be more exasperated, and maybe even a tiny bit miffed, but I know Jen's got enough on her plate having to deal with Christmas shopping, and Orlando and Michelle haven't given me any of the money they owe in a laughably long time, so I feel it reasonable to assume they're out of the question too.

Where are we going? To Locked In, which is up in the mall, and then maybe possibly to Glitters for supper if everyone can afford it. Of course, my birthday proper is the day before, but as far as I know, Mom's making me a birthday supper of roast chicken with rice, broccoli soup, and some sort of pudding-fulled, chocolate-glazed bundt cake, and that's about all for the evening. I'd hoped to fit in some time for drinking too, but I'm not sure where or how that could happen between the those two days.

That's just the first thing though. The second is an... entirely different beast.

...
...

I was going to write about work here (big surprise), but the issue I'm facing is that words alone aren't enough. I could sit here for another two hours trying to describe the night I've just had, but all that would do is make me more frustrated, and I feel like I'm finally starting to mellow out a little bit.

To try and summarize though, I feel like I'm as far as I can go. I have to acknowledge that this won't be the first time I've said such a thing, but it's hard for me to want to indulge Shawn or Steph any further. If the job in the mall I was still waiting to hear about wasn't so tentative (if it happens, it'll be a part-time, temporary position), I would've given my notice tonight, and gone without pay for however long just to alleviate myself of the stress.

But there's something to hold out for, at least for a couple more days. Shawn is supposed to be leaving us a note of some sort the next time he's in, and depending on what that does or doesn't say, I may also want a face to face talk with him. Like always, I guess we'll see what happens.

...and now, although abrupt, it's going to be time for me to lay down. With luck, staying up so late will do something to lessen the fatigue I've been feeling lately. It's been the better part of a week where I lay down at ~8am, and sleep all the way 'til 4 in the afternoon, and am still tired to the point where I'm falling back asleep 4~5 hours later.

I'm planning to put my Christmas tree up in the afternoon. Maybe the colorful lights will make everything better~

About After-Work Activities

I figured it out.

I went on a long walk home from work tonight. 13.5km in roughly two hours (I left at ~2am, and got home at ~4:10), with ankle weights, and with a fairly heavy bag of things. Google Maps link because I don't have the picture saved, and it'd take too long to do that right now.

Points of note:

:: After a while (at about the half-way mark), my arm really started to hurt from the weight of my bag, and I considered switching many times, but I held on all the way through. It's still sore now, but that's to be expected if anything. Also: it may be sore, but the satisfaction of having persevered is worth it

:: Similarly, at about the same point as above, the weight on my left ankle really started digging in for whatever reason, and led to some pretty constant pain. By that point, I was focused just on keeping my pace, and I couldn't even say where my mind was wandering to now, but between the two, it was enough

:: This image (found while looking through my old uploaded pictures here) is cute in retrospect. 6.7km? omg so long how did I even manage? What's interesting though is how I walked twice the distance tonight, but my speed remained the same. I feel like I've gotten faster over time, but maybe I was faster than I thought I was before

:: I did get stopped by one cop. Down on Lacroix, in between Richmond and Park Ave, I was asked a few questions, and continued on my way. The fact of why I got stopped is that I must have looked odd, as I decided to go out with tail and ears. First time in... ~2 years? But it was fun, and I could see doing the same the next time I go for a long walk (ps the next time I plan to go is Saturday after work to get some McDonalds breakfast because I'm working 7 days in a row)

Now we break out of bullet-lists (darn I like those), because I feel the above deserves at least a little expanding on.

At the same time, I don't know that there's a whole lot to say.

I conceived of the idea Friday morning of last week, when I was on my way to Food Basics after already having been to Real Canadian Superstore. My figuring was that long walks are in a sense my chance to go out and have fun doing something that I don't get to do very often, on my own personal time. In the past, one of the reasons I stopped wearing them was because I was out of work at the time, and I thought continuing to go out like that would harm my chances of finding a new job. I don't know.

Anyway, work and other job things aside (that is an entirely different entry that I definitely don't have time for right now), I concluded that long walks were my personal time, and that I could do whatever I wanted to (including wearing ears and tail) for them.

The best part is both Steph and Michelle were entirely unfazed when I stepped out of the back door. Michelle had this big smile on her face, and Steph said "I love Ben", which was at least the third time for the night.

But yeah.

I even wore the brand new ears that I got for free from I can't remember who, because my old ones were beyond repair (unless Canadian Tire sells acetone, and it'll dissolve the superglue but not the headband), and also really quite dirty. I suppose I never properly washed them before, because I was too worried about damaging them to try anything. Oh well.

It just sucks that Shawn - who previously told me very specifically that I would be working both closes and overnights now, so I could continue to get my hours - has me on for an entire schedule's worth of overnights.

...and I could go on...

Do I want a work rant? Sure, why not.

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I feel like I could still go on, but it's almost 6:30 again...

It may be worth noting that we even went to the beach earlier today. I woke up at 10am, and by noon, Mom, Dad, Jen and I were all out taking in the sun We went in the water for a bit, which was fun, then sat on the beach and collected glass for Mom. Normally we take our own findings home, but my jar is almost full now, and unless I find a big piece, or one in an unusual color, it's just not worth it to have to bring them home and all.

Also, laziness, but Mom didn't seem to mind.

Tomorrow is going to be busy though, so I should probably end this here. I'll be making two cheesecakes for Tom, doing laundry, continuing to download TV show episodes toward getting ready for Christmas, working on DVD menus (I can't remember if I've mentioned those in here before but oh boy don't get me started), having spaghetti and meatballs from Mom and Dad for supper before I get in trouble for letting them go bad, and finally starting on a general tidy-up, because Mom is planning to bring Callie over on Friday so they can spray their house for fleas. Alas, she'll probably just hide out somewhere, but that's alright too.

I'm especially looking forward to laying down after tonight's walk, but that's probably kind of obvious.

I wonder if I'll get that feeling of being in the waves again, like last time?

That would be cool <3

It's Been a Busy [period of time]

I haven't written an entry in a year and three months? That really sucks. I don't even know if this one will pan out. but I feel like the past couple days have been distinctly more interesting for me than normal, and my trying to share with people has not elicited the reaction I was hoping for, so I'm going to document as much of events as I can remember here, for posterity and all that.

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So that's my long day and a bit. I definitely won't be going out and doing all the same things next week - in fact, if I write another entry anytime soon, I'll probably complain about not having enough for Christmas presents - but as far as everything that's happened, I still had a lot of fun and am quite happy with everything I bought and did. It's also interesting to note how both Walmart and Real Canadian Superstore open at 7. Maybe the next time I need to do some proper shopping out at that end of the city, I can plan to go after work, and try to have some fun with it once again.

For now though, it's after 6, and much as I would like to keep writing, I do need to go to bed. As far as I know, Jen and I still have plans for tomorrow, we're supposed to be having a games night with Adam and Trish later on in the evening, and if possible, I'd like to have a couple more hours to devote to collecting the last of the Korok Seeds in Breath of the Wild.

We'll also see if I'm able to scrounge up another entry sometime soon. Maybe one that's less "Here's what I did in detail", and more "Here's what's been going on lately, and where I'm headed for now".

Oh, and I said I'd include a grocery list, didn't I? Much as I question this idea now that I've made the list, I didn't write everything down for nothing, so let's see:

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It really should be time for bed now though. Like, really really. The afternoon is still going to be here mighty quick, and unlike before, I don't think my body would be alright with just five hours of sleep.

Until next time, this has been a weird LiveJournal entry. Goodnight.

I Work Too Much

That was a fairly productive better part of an hour, and I had every intention of writing this afterward, but now that I'm actually sitting in bed comfortably, I find myself with not quite as much energy as I did before. That said, it's been forever since I wrote an entry in here, and even if it's mostly concerning one particular topic, that's still alright. That being said, the topic this time is work, because apparently I spend almost all of my time there anymore these days, and so I have alot to say about it.

Tonight marked the last of eight closes in a row for me, and as much as it might make sense to think I was tired from the past week, it was actually one of the best nights out of them all, if not the best. I can't count the number of times whatever task I was engaged in caused me to start sweating profusely, but I'm all nice and showered now, and I've already got laundry gathered for tomorrow, and it wouldn't have been the same any other way. I also avoided line for virtually the entire night, helping only to bag a couple orders at the beginning of the night, and that was quite nice too, but overall, most of the satisfaction came from just being able to get alot of stuff done toward helping us get out in good time, and having it pay off in the end. We were out the door at ~3:40, which is one of the quickest closes we've had yet, and, well, for my interest of nothing else, let's have a list of all the stuff I did from 8 - close:

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I feel sorry for Taramya, because Shawn concluded that it would be a good idea to schedule her to work 5 - close tomorrow (5pm 'til 3am, plus time for cleaning up), but her aside, I just wish I could be there to see the state of things tomorrow. It's presumptuous to think that they'll be entirely screwed over, but I can't help seeing things go less smoothly than they did tonight, and I just know that Tom will tell Gabby that we got out in 40 minutes tonight, which I also imagine would make it less nice if they do end up being as busy as it was for us.

As for me? Tomorrow is the day I've been waiting for the better part of the past week for. Technically, there's been nothing to stop me, but I've been avoiding doing laundry and taking the garbage out since I didn't have a day off before now, and I can finally do all of that. Then Jen and I have plans for her to come here for a bit, from where we'll be heading to Glitters for supper, and I'm not sure what else after that.

...and now I have a dilemma...

I want to keep writing, because I don't want to have just written about work, but at the same time, it's 5:40 in the morning, and I'd like to be up for 1pm to start getting going on laundry and such else.

...I suppose it wouldn't hurt to lay down, huh?

The fact that I feel like I'm getting more and more tired now would seem to agree with that...

...I guess it's time for bed~

Time For Another of These

So this entry is kinda significant, and though I'm not sure how to see it through as such, I at least want to make it something that I can post for once, because I've started too many things like this recently just to lose focus partway through and close whatever program without saving.

But this is about positive things anyway.

You could say I'm writing this from a new location.

It's about halfway between Jen's place and work, and mom and dad's house (for less than a month to go at this point) is about halfway between Jen's place and where I am, and where I am is at my own place. For... well, this'll be the third night now.

It's certainly taking some breaking in. I did have some significant developments earlier in the form of getting out a bowl and spoon and opening my milk and cereal in order to have a bowl of cereal for an after-work snack. And I also had a small moment of joy earlier when I bent down at the cupboard under the bathroom sink with a bottle of rubbing alcohol I bought, and found razors. Here I was thinking I'd have to wait until I saw Jen tomorrow to shave!

That said, do you think I have yet?

No.

Why would I do something sensible like that?

It definitely is taking some breaking in though. Other than the aforementioned, I've done practically nothing in the way of putting things away or getting them in order, other than spending ~3 hours here back at the end of March to put away things I had purchased at that point.

There were definitely some emotional bouts to be had getting this far though, mostly just to do with the anxiety of not actually being in the same place as Jen after getting used to that again. I was and still am always wondering about things between us as a whole, but she said that the next few months will probably dictate how things go, and though that could be a worrisome thought in its own right, I try to remind myself that we wouldn't still be the way we are if things weren't good. I hope so, anyway.

Overall though, the worst of anything I've been facing is loss of appetite from stress and anxiety of all the changes, and significant tiredness due to having gotten less sleep than I would've liked the first two nights I was here.

The first day, I had to get up and wait for a technician from Bell to come hook up my phone, and though I intended to have my alarm wake me up at 8, it wasn't loud enough, and I woke up with all of five minutes before there was a knock at the door.

Then, the second day, also known as this morning at this point, I had to get up early and go to work for a "rally" about the promotional item coming in May. I think everybody was expecting some big todo, but all it ended up being was a full-time staff only staff meeting about said item. Excitingly, we all had to make one, with prizes being given away for those which weighed perfectly (6.6oz). We were also told we would get to eat them, so we would know how they tasted, but then I heard somebody else ask Shawn (the GM) if they could leave off the tomatoes, and he told them no. Problem for me is it comes with lettuce in addition to tomatoes, but I went right at it anyway. I marveled at how clumsy some of the newer staff were at dispensing sour cream, and when it came my turn, I just hoped to not be too over-weight. When I reached the other end of line, though, and placed the thing on the scale, I was quite surprised to see the display read "6.6". And that's how I won a "mystery prize", aka. a coupon for a free combo at the KFC up on St. Clair.

Tina also made one that weighed perfectly. I'm really incredibly proud of her, actually. She was always on backups at the old store, and now dishes at the new one, but never on line except for the odd couple orders here and there, then she comes to this meeting, makes a perfect Quesalupa, and wins herself a thermos. Well done, Tina. I hope you enjoy your thermos.

All of that said, I do intend to sleep in tomorrow.

We're all going out to Real Canadian Superstore and probably Walmart later in the afternoon, so there's going to be that, then hanging out with Jen later on, and probably starting the next picture in my connect-the-dots book. I should remind Jen to take a picture of the first one so I can post it here...

I also intend to sleep in, but if I wake up early feeling rested, then I wouldn't mind using the time to put on some music and start going through all the various supplies and whatnot that I've purchased.

It's 4:05 anyway, so I should probably lay down. But then there's that, so maybe I won't just yet.

I should also go out to the fridge and open and smell one of the larger cartons of chocolate milk that's in there. Back on Monday, we went out shopping, and Jen bought me two cartons at Shoppers because they were on sale. When we got back here to drop things off, I did fortunately put the $18 package of boneless chicken I bought in the freezer, but initially thought Jen was going to put the chocolate milk in the fridge, when she only put it down on the floor in front of the fridge, and I didn't think about it until it was too late, so it sat there from ~7:30pm until ~1am.

Jen would cringe, but if it still smells and tastes fine, I'll drink it.

Yay.

It's probably time to end this though.

Mom gave me her queen size bed, and though it's really nice having a bed this big, it also means I keep non-bed things, such as a bin top that I'm using as a mousepad, or a bottle of water in it, and I need to clear all those things off before I can go to bed.

I'll figure it out eventually.

I'll have to write another update sometime.

For all I know, I may even get back into writing these regularly. That would be cool, but at the same time, I'm not sure.

...as if on cue, I'm starting to get drowsy. I suppose that means it's time...

Three Days and Counting

Interesting news tonight.

Interesting enough that I'm writing in here, apparently.

It's been forever, and there are... reasons (internal sigh), but that's nothing more than writer's block at heart.

Anyway!

The new Taco Bell opens tomorrow! This is a pretty big deal, because I've had no luck finding work since the 5 months that it's been, and I would like to have a steady source of income again. I mean, unemployment is great and all, and I could probably work out a way to live, on my own, making only ~$588 every two weeks, but it's not the same as actually having a steady paycheck and making more than the bare minimum. Also, I just need to be part of that sort of environment again. Under other circumstances, I would be sheepish to admit this, but I actually kinda like (?) the busyness, and rush, and finding your rhythm and working with it.

That said, Taco Bell reopens tomorrow, but my first shift isn't until Friday. I am a little disappointed about not being able to work the first day, but there's little I can do about changing that. On the plus side, not working tomorrow means I'll still be able to go get those special donuts from Maple City Bakery, as well as go look for certain things at Dollarama. I would also like to consider going to said newly reopened Taco Bell for some food, but I would want that to be after Tom starts, which isn't until 4. Perhaps something can be worked out?

I suppose it's kind of cool anyway, because just earlier today, Jen was out, and I was wandering through the kitchen to go to the bathroom, talking to myself about how I hoped to be back in work soon. And, though it may cause certain wide smiles to be cast upon me, I also laid upon this very futon (at that time converted into bed form) while Jen was down in the bathroom for her bedtime smoke, and tried to visualize everything that I used to do for just one order in drive thru. Take the order, pour drinks, give order to customer waiting at window, obtain payment from next customer in line, begin taking next customer at speaker's order while making change for customer at window, turn back to almost-filled pops, cap them off, ask customer if they want a tray, inquire about condiments, go to pick up the order, and repeat all again. And I did that with a certain style, and quickness, all with a smile on my face, and it was fun. But listen to me go on here.

In other what-I-guess-could-be-considered-significant news, I'm looking for an apartment right now. It's finally come time, and I've considered many times how nice it will be to finally be to have all of my things in one place again, and to have a home, and be secure as such. Perhaps too fittingly, I've also been thinking - no, reminiscing - on times past alot lately. Directed moreso to myself, but remember what it was like when your room was just your place, and you had everything you needed in there, and you didn't rely on anybody? Do you remember all the times you walked out to Walmart, or Canadian Tire, or even Zellers when they were still open, because you refused to ask for a ride? Do you remember that feeling of independence? Even better, to put the past and work together, do you remember the endless nights you took long ways home from work as exercise? Yeah, Sobeys isn't open 24 hours anymore, and there's only 7-11 in town now, but I'm itching to get back out there again.

At the same time, so this point does not go unacknowledged, I also would like for things between Jen and I to continue, and to be good and positive, and to one day be able to kiss her goodbye when I'm over before I leave for work, and to have her as that special person in my life again, and her me. Having said that, things between us are... strange? Yeah, let's go with that. They just are what they are, and I would hazard that neither of us knows what the other may be thinking about everything, but at the same time, I feel like they're alright.

...and on that note, is everybody ready for vagueness?

There's a place out at the end of town near Walmart that has many tasty things. Both Jen and I have made numerous comments about wanting to go back there for supper, and I had kinda a thought in mind. There's also another place out that way that Jen wants to go back to. We went there once, and it was kinda weird, but also alright, if that makes sense. What I want to do is, within the month, go to this place, purchase two things for myself. One makes all sorts of merry noises when held against flat surfaces, and especially annoyed Jen when I held it up to the bathroom door at the apartment, and the other, the same type as one of the things that Jen wants to look for. And on top of that, pending a change in situation in the future, I would want to coordinate with Jen to give her money or just make arrangements for when either of two friends comes to town to visit. Thus, my thought was to go to the second place, possibly browse through Real Canadian Superstore and Dollarama if we have time, then go to that first place for a nice supper.

...I wish I was better at talking about this type of stuff. I really do. At the same time, for certain things, it's coming to the point that I find myself really wanting to be able to write about it somewhere. It's all coming into focus slowly, and that paragraph up there will surely be the start, but that's all I've got so far.

...and now, I think I need to go to the bathroom, then sit and ponder where my uniform pants are just in case the ones I get on Friday don't fit properly.

There're off over there. In a bin. I think...